Rant

Argh I fuming hate the mother right now. I hate her because I was having salad for dinner and she asked if I wanted a roll, I said no. She asked me again but basically demanded that I had it. She then asked if I wanted butter, I said no. Well guess what she put fucking butter on it. She said 'I forgot haha,' I was so annoyed and I then I heard her saying to my dad 'I knew she would notice' Erm what the fuck. Then my dad said 'it's only fucking butter get over it' omg it is more than butter, I am on the verge of tears because of butter. Argh.

Well I had a horrible night last night. I finally got to sleep at 6:30am. Yay! I fucking hate my life right now. I want to cut, I'm going to cut. I don't fucking care anymore. Fuck recovery.

Maybe a picture or my disgusting legs? Don't judge.

Bekah
Xxx

I havent been on for a while sorry! But this 2468 diet is going very well! I am 184 calories today! So happy i was so strong. I feel so empty and skinny right now!
Maybe i might even see 116 by the end of the week!
But i am going on hoilday with the family next week. So that just means FOOD FOOD FOOD. Fuck my life. Afterwards im gunna fast. But this holidy is like a hike up a mountain holiday so i will be burning a few cals.
Can you acctually believe i am concidering taking my razors with me, so pathetic.
Sorry i dont have much to say, well i havent really been doing anything really. Oh yeah the docotors, i didn't go. I told my mum i was feeling better that i didn't need to go. I guess i freaked out.

Bekah
xxx

Yesterday I had a falling out with my dad. Like I got so pissed of with home for no reason! So today he decided to make it up to me and he took me to Edinburg!! I had such a lovely time! I got some new CDs and a movie 'girl interrupted' ive heard it's about depression so it might help me realise I'm not the only one...
But that isn't the best part! I went to see the dark night rises! Omg it was fucking awesome! Yes I have this weird obsession over batman, but who cares! I love being a geek, it's way more fun! So we went in at 1:10 and came out at 4:20 so it was pretty long haha. I had a numb bum, ouch!

So today went well! Cal intake 616, so I succeeded my limit for the 2468 diet, remember I am doing it backwards just because I am that crazy! Really that is a good intake for a day out with a parent! Woop! So tomorrow limit 600 cals. Mother is off work but I am sure I will be strong!

Gunna get into my Jamie's now and listen to my new CDs!!

Bekah
Xxx

Well the binge hasn't stopped. I can feel the extra fat on me, layers and layers of it. Even my neck is fat, no joke. But I binged this morning and I purged (sorry) and now I feel more in control, maybe that is because I purged. Anyways, I do feel a lot more positive.

Yesterday, though was a disaster. I cried in front of my sister, I told her about how I feel lonely all the time, she said she is there for me and stuff. I almost told her about me cutting myself, but I couldn't. I couldn't face the disappointment. Also yesterday, I fainted. I have no idea why, because I have been binging. So that got everyone worried. Also my stomach has been a pain, I'm not sure if it's because of purging but I'm going I the doctors on Monday. I really do not want to go to the doctors, what of they say I don't eat enough and then my mother is on my back like a hawk. Or what if my blood pressure is low, or they see my scars and send me to a loony bin. So now I am so fucking anxious. Why!
Maybe I will get some pills for my anxiety.

In weight loss news, I think I am going to start the 2,4,6,8 diet. Maybe that will go better than ABC!

Bekah
Xxx

I'm sorry

Well last night was rough. I took a lot of pills, I was so depressed last night I felt alone like nobody cared. I've been eating lots as well and maybe I did it so I would have to wake up and look at my ugly self in the mirror. Don't worry, I vomited them up. So I am okay but I felt so weird once I'd taken them, I took 8 if you were wondering. I haven't told my family. I don't want them to know because they will probably send me to the loony bin because I am suicidal and I self harm. Seriously why did I have to be such a fuck-up.

Guys i'm fat as ever. I feel so gross, ew ew ew! I cant even look at my self anymore I cannot bare it!
Yesterday went fabulous, I was minus calories. Today however, I was not so strong. And the mother is off tomorrow so I am gunna have to eat. Shit. Hy do I do this, why am I do weak.
Talking of weak, I cut. I cut fat whore in to my leg. Well it's true I might as well me branded with it.

Anyways, I haven't seen my sister since my brothers birthday. I'm not sure of she has told anyone I hope not! I just have to watch out what I'm saying around her now.

I have been so anxious about school. Like wtf it's 3 weeks until we go back. All I do is sit around and say I'm gunna fail all my exams. I'm getting so frustrated because I cannot concentrate on anything. That's why I binged today, so I could concentrate on my work. It just made things a lot worse. All I could think about was the calories seeping into system, the fat bubbling on my body. I though about purging but I didn't, I sort of wished I had now. I feel so bloated. What I'm gunna have to do is just be strong tomorrow, test how strong I am. If I give myself a challenge I should rise to it and kick it in the ass. So challenge tomorrow; eat little breakfast, skip lunch and say no any fatty foods. So maybe a lot of challenges? Oh well I will beat then! Tomorrow I will be strong!
Bekah.
Xxxx

Weekend madness

I have had a really weird weekend. I went to my sisters in Friday, we were sunbathing in the garden and she asked to look at my phone to search for a recipe. Well I had forgotten that the previous night I was search for 'effects of anorexia' just out of interest. When she seen it she was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. I just said I was just anxious about everything. Then she started saying stuff about how my body is perfect and that I shouldn't worry. Then she was making dinner and she was joking around and she said 'what are you so upset over' I said nothing. Then being her jokey sells she said 'are you scared of cheese? Are you scared of bread?' I laughed but little did she know that i am scare, I am scared of calories. She also stared saying that she would miss me so much if I wasn't here and that I'm here best friend for life. I wanted to burst into tears. I know she is concerned. I think I'm gunna go tithe doctors about my anxiety, it is just getting worse.
So Saturday, mother was off and we met my sister about lunch. We were in town shopping around. I hate these sort of days because they always contain food and lots and lots of it. So I binged and I wanted to purge but I can't when there's lots of people about so I just gained weight instead. Oh yeah it was my brothers birthday party that night. I wore my playsuit. OMFG I looked like a beached whale. I felt like shit no matter how much my sister told me I look pretty. So I got wasted. I was so drunk by 9pm. The playsuit was also bad in other areas since it is so hard to pee in when drunk. So I had to take the whole thing off then I couldn't get it back on again, it was such a disaster! But then in my drunken state, I was shouting 'i don't give a shit if i gain weight' while eating Doritos and peanuts simultaneously. So this morning I am hungover and I feel like a whale after shoving two slices of French toast down my throat.
Today is my brothers actual birthday so here comes the cake, that I might be able to purge if I run the bath water.
Tomorrow will be good and I am gunna fast until 6pm, and hopefully shed these extra pounds. I havent weighed myself because I think I might take a hammer to the scales.

Goal to loose 5 pounds this week. Wish me luck! listen to the song skin and bones by marinas trench. Omg, it relates so much to my life!

Bekah
Xxx

Binge, Purge and weight loss?

I was weak and gave into tempation yesterday, then i purged most of it up. Then i exercised for the rest of the day. I honestly felt like shit. Even though i had this downfall, i am still going to carry on with ABC! Despite my binge yesterday, i lost weight! Weird huh? I am now 118lbs. Still sucky weight but its coming off! But i honestly think that my scales are broken, because i was looking through pictures of me at 114lbs and now and i honeslt look slimmer now! Its so weird! As long as i'm getting skinnier i am happy!

It's my brothers birthday on saturday! So he is having a little family party at his house. I should really be looking forward to this but i'm just getting some more panic attacks. I am worried about the food, there is going to be cake there and i will be forced to eat it. This means it will break my ABC again and i will gain like 50lbs. Another worry is wtf am i going to wear? I have this really nice playsuit, but its quie short and tight and i feel like a whale in it, but it goes with this cardigan, which i will have to wear to cover my scars on my arm. But the other option is this really nice black and white dress, its not too short and its a bit big on me, so i will feel more comforatable. But it doesn't really go with a cardiagan it goes with a demin jacket, which i would have to take off! Ugh, maybe i shouldn't go at all and stay at home and cry over my fattness like i normally do.

I feel like such a loner. I haven't seen any of my friends in 2 weeks. I just feel to embarrassed to go out in public because i am just way too fat. I also don't want them to see my scars either...
Well i'm not the only one to blame, none of them have asked me out.

Some good news? I am clean 4 days! I am so proud of myself! Yesterday would of been one of the days were i would of hacked my legs and arms up but nope nothing! I just execised lots, now i can barely stand because all my muscles hurt so much!

Oh i got this app, igoalinformer, which tells you like how many calories you have to eat to get to your goal my a certain date. Well i typed in my stats and i thought lets put in 85lbs by december. It is totally possible! I can't believe it! So i could be at my UGW, by december. And you would never guess how many calories i would have to eat? 1657 calories everyday! Wow, that is so many. So since i eat less than that, i could be at 85 sooner! It is just ridulous isn't it! It's sort of scary though, that if i stay good i can be at my UGW! Well i guess, i've lost 5lbs in 4 days!

So UGW by december? Lets try my fucking hardest!!

Bekah
xxx

ABC start pictures!

Okay, they suck and I want to cry when I look at them ): there gunna come up huge as well since im posting off my phone, so don't go blind! The first 2 pics are at 123lbs yesterday. The 3rd one is from today at 121 and I was sucking in a little! Sorry for the bit of boob!

You know my instagram? Well I got some super haters today. And some said to me 'you have lower belly pudge' seriously wtf! Is it her business what I look like. Well no matter what that is now added to my list of insecurities!

Bekah
Xxx

Heyy!!

I am so unbelievably happy today! I have lost 2lbs already!!! Okay so i guess this is the time when i post my beiginning weight? 123lbs. *CRY* i never ever ever ever want to be that ever agian! But 2lbs lighter isn't bad after one day of ABC! So i am now 121. I'm just gunna have to wait and see what my weigt will be tomorrow, i am not predicting anymore, i always just get pissed off when i dont reach my goal.

Well i got my period yesterday. LAME. So do you gain a few pounds when it's the time of the month? Just trying to tell myself that i wasn't reall 123lbs.

Okay i watched this programe last night it was called, Eat, Fast and live longer! It was amazing. It basicly told the whole nation that to calorie restrict and fast is good for you! Apparently if you fast for 4 days every month, it will decrease your risk of cancers and disease! Awesome right? So now when everyone is complaining saying that fasting is bad, we all now have proof that it is actually good for us! Its the same with calorie restriction. They said as long as your diet is full of nuitrents it is okay to calorie restrict. WOW. So who ever says this is bad now, i'm gunna point them to this programe!

No panic attacks yesterday! It has to do with food my anxiety, because yesterday i ate like 300 cals and i felt fine. The amount of food i eat is also linked to how happy i am. Weird huh?

Anyways, i am gunna post my start pictures later on tonight and i am going to upload progress pics every week! Lets hope i see some difference!

Bekah
xxx

398 calories today!!! I can't believe how well today has gone! I feel amazing! I feel so strong and tomorrow will be even better since I'm not with my mother!

I can feel hunger again and it feels great! I am in control now (: I just hope to see some results soon!!

Bekah
Xxx

Today was how I expected, filled with food and anxiety! But I made it through. I just thought I will have all my last treats before I start my diet, so then I wont have as bad cravings during the first week!

I was sitting at my sisters house today almost crying before she brought out dinner! I was hyperventilating and freaking out, which sucks. After dinner I wanted to purge so much! I felt so fat. I honestly wanted to go home and crawl in to a hole and never come out until I am perfect. But that is so never gunna happen so I sat their thinking about ABC, and how fucking skinny I'm gunna get (:

I am really looking forward to tomorrow! I feel really strong and I know I can do this! But, my mother is off work tomorrow! That sucks balls. So I am gunna have to eat through the day, which I didn't want at all. So I am planning on having grapes for breakfast and carrots for lunch and lentil soup for dinner! She doesn't really eat lunch anyways, so she cant complain to me! I honestly don't think she is worried about my weight anymore or the way I eat! Probably because I have been eating like a pig and have gained so much weight! So I am taking that to advantage, so now that she isn't worried I have her were I want her! She 'thinks' I eat lunch when I don't, so now I can go one step further and skip dinner. I plan on doing this by saying I am going to someone else's house for dinner, even if I am not, so I will just go for a walk or something instead! Even if I am at someone elses house(unlikely, I'm a total loner) I will just say that mother has already made my dinner! I think I will do that on my fasting days of ABC!

Anyways, last night was so bad for cutting. I wrote 'am I perfect' on my arm and lots more on my legs! But then I decided that enough was enough! I my razors are now down the drains! To be honest I miss them, I really could of done with them tonight....

Maybe more positive?
LETS GET SKINNY BITCHES!!!! <3
Bekah
Xxx

My anxiety is getting worse. After everything i eat i have a mini panic attack then to 10 crunches. This makes me feel like SHIT!

Familyness this week end. This means, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD! And lots of it. I want to cry!

I am starting ABC (again) as of monday! But i have some ana buddies to help me out on instagram! Going to stay strong this time.

I also got this new app for tonning abs and thighs ect. I hope it will show some results if i do it everyday!

Sorry for the short update. I feel really out of it. Really...depressed. I haven't left the house in 3 days. Thats all because i feel so fat. Oh yeah i stepped on the scales, i gained 7lbs. I am now 121. FUCKING FAILURE.

Bekah
xxx

Yesterday sucked. I binged purged and cut. Failure. But today is a new day and I am not going give up! I am doing a six hour fast today! So I am just having dinner with the family! Things are going well so far and t 11:24! I have been on my bike for 40 mins and I felt really good (:

So my goals have altered! I want to be 108lbs by the end of this month! Which is possible! So then after I reach that I want to be 100 by December! Or maybe 95? But things sound much easier than they really are!

I need to be strong when I am weak! No chocolate, no fizzy drinks, from now on for a whole month! Starting my 21days from now! I will be strong.
Bekah
Xxx

Today I was over 1000 cals. My sister wanted to make chocolate fudge cake. Worst thing ever I wanted to burst into tears. But, we did get an exercise bike so burning 200 cals on that and with walking and sit ups my net came to 500 something. It said I would bee 103lbs in 5 weeks. That's not good enough. I don't feel empty anymore!

Tomorrow I am seeing my sister again! I'm sick of her giving me food! So the plan is, stay strong until I get to hers, no breakfast, no lunch. Then just have dinner which is some pasta thing. So before I go, I will do an hour on the bike which would be 400 cals, I'll then do sit ups and I'll walk to hers. So hopefully I will be in minus cals!!

Mother has been annoying me again! She has gained a new irritating feature! When we sit down for dinner she gives me this a huge grin, like it's going to rip her face in half! I never smile back I just give her 'wtf are you doing, where only eating dinner' look. Then,When I start eating, cutting everything up in to small pieces, taking sips after almost every bite, she stares at me. I mean not in like an unnoticeable way! Her face may as well be in my plate the way she looks at it! Then she will ask,'did you enjoy that' well what I want to say is 'no you just made me eat 500 odd calories and fucked up my whole diet now I'm gunna gain and it's all your fault, leave me alone!' in stead I said 'it was lovely' immediately leaving the table to my bedroom to exercise! What a fake person I am.

I am 2 days clean from cutting. I need to stay strong and pray of 114lbs on Friday!

Bekah
Xxx