Don't believe the doctor.

So today was the trip to the doctors. So i was telling him about my stomach pains and how my glands are totally swollen. But of course i didn't say that i had been purging or restricting. So he felt around my tummy and said i had to do a pee sample, so i went and peed in the little cup. But when i came back he said, 'Please make sure that you eat enough becuase thats why your bowel might be slower because your not eating enough' So does that mean that my sister told him about my eating? Also he said that i look 'washed-out' so he said that i could be anaemic and took a blood test. He also thinks i might have glandular fever, but i doubt it because i think it is to do with my purging but i won't tell them that. He also asked me about my period which i found strange. He didn't weigh me though, so i don't know what his train of thought was. Probably thought i was pregnant, PAH, who would have sex with this fat ugly beast. I really don't know what to expect when the results come back, i'm really anxious about it. Blah.

Oh yeah i have also gained 1.5 pounds in 2 days, what a fat fuck. So i am fasting tomorrow, since i am off school because i am ill, well i'm ill all the time but you know.

Right i don't understand one thing. I have very sore chest pains right nowm like the ones you get when you've been restricting for a while, but all i have done that past 2 days is eat. Gah, i don't even know what is going on with me.

hbcodusah hpdicsunkmfxuwehdzxah s I don't know why but i feel so pissed off and angry. I just want it to end. I just want to be thin.

Bekah
xxx

Someone shoot me please?

So yesterday was amazing, i had 68 calories and i burned all that off and i was like -500 and something. I felt so great. But i woke up in the middle of the night shaking like crazy. I then vomited everywhere, but since there was nothing in my stomach it was just all bile, gross. It burned so badly. After i had puked everywhere i got on the scales and hadn't lost a fucking thing. That pissed me off so much, so i took too many laxatives and had a super massive binge, yes i purged inbetween, and yes i have been on and off the toilet for about 3 hours and i have severe stomach cramps. My glands are all swollen, so i look like a hamster. I am also a fat whore and will just keep gaining weight. I feel my family laughing at how fat i am.

Wow, so i am going to the doctors again tomorrow, with the sister. I just hope to fucking god my glands go down by then. Oh so just to ensure that i just fucking ate a whole bar of chocolate and purged it and took more laxatives so now i am going to be up all fucking night on the toilet. Argh i just wanna cut but one is infected and i don't know what to do.

Someone shoot me please?

Bekah
xxx

I'm sure i'll get along somehow, everything is going to be alright.

So guys, hey!
Today SUCKED. So what made it so sucky was that i was forced to eat some chocolate. It was one square of a yorkie(60) so i took it to save all the 'you never eat' speach. So i started eating it and i eat like slowly and i take little bites, so my friends started to mock me because of it. Like what? I hate people watching me eat, but people talking about HOW i eat is just 10 times worse. I wanted to purge so badly. I was so happy i had P.E afterward so i could work it off. But that does not mean that it was not consumed. My limit was 200 today and i am 70 over. DAMNIT! So angry at myself. So tomorrow another 200 limit day, i wanted to fast but that is just not gunna happen because of the family.

On weight, i am a fat ass, as you all know. I haven't lost aything in ages, it is doing my fucking head in. So, i have decided to start weigh-in days, which are going to be on fridays. So every friday (or saturday) i will post my weight.....maybe.

I am also going to try going 21 days without binging, purging and cutting. I really am setting my self up for the perfect storm right? Oh well, i am going to try. The first three weeks are always the hardest, so if i get past these 21 days, i may never binge, purge or cut again. Well, you cannot garentee that but i am sure that i won't have the urges like i do now. So if i stop binging and purging i won't really have a reason to cut right? And hopefully i will be like 10 pounds lighter haha! So for the rest of this month i want to loose 10 pounds. Yes it is a lot, but i feel if i set myself a goal i will fight hard to get it! I will get it! So first of october i will be posting a much thinner bekah!
Bekah
xxx

The sweet little girl, isn't so sweet after all.

Dude, today fucking sucked.

I binged and puged non-stop for about 3 hours. It was horrific. I was sitting on the bathroom floor stuffing my face then purging straight afterward. Like what the fuck is wrong with me. Okay so i am going to list absolutly everything i b/p on today: 2 large bowls of cereal, 6 chocolate bars, pasta with prawns, strawberry milkshake, ice cream, peanuts, pineapple cake and caramel shortbread. It always sounds worse when you write it down. God, i am so disgusting. Now my knuckles are all fucked up and so are my eyes, i have burst blood vessels, yay. My throat and stomach also hurt like hell. So when my parents came in from there long day at work and they asked, "How are you? You have a nice day" I said, "I'm fine, yeah i did was lazy but i had fun" PAHAHAHA. I honestly think i am the worlds greatest liar. What i should of said is, "No, i'm not fine. I am a fucking fat whale, i ate the whole kitchen then puked it up again. Oh yeah i also cut my upper arm today deeper thanever before and it never stopped bleeding for like an hour, wanna see?"

My mum is always so proud of me for some reason. Like she thinks i am a sweet little girl. The good daughter. Just because i'm not out drinking voldka and smoking cigaretts, like my sister does not mean that i am good. I am a batch of the new breed of rebel, that starves, purges and self harms. I really wish they could see the demon inside me. My sister is the only one that knows about my eating disorder. She is the only one i can trust. Well apparently she can trust me too because she said to me just after i got my diagnose, "Please just eat, please gain weight so you i dont have to tell mum about this, it will kill her, promise me you will eat" Wow so she is fooled. And i am more than happy that she hasnt told my mum about it. Because i mean yeah my mum really has been freaking out about my eating. So to her i am in 'recovery'
So to just sum all that up. I AM THE BEST FUCKING ACTOR EVER.
But i swear my dad sees right through me. "You are are fucking psycho", "You are a lazy cow", "You shouldn't of ate so much you fat pig" I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD THAT HE IS JUST THE VOICE IN MY HEAD, OUT OF MY HEAD? Like he just makes my eating disorder worse. Blah i really hate him.
OMG ANOTHER PIECE OF MY FABULOUS ACTING.
(Mother and father are having a very awkward argument about nothing important at all but a glass ends up being smashed)
Me: (walks in with a smile on my face) So whats for dinner, i am so hungry!
LOLOLOLOLOL. I fool them so well.

God i am so fucked up.
Bekah
xxx

The girl with many issues.

I am so sorry for not posting as often. The truth is i am so depressed. I dont want to open my eyes in the morning. I weigh so much i just want to puke every where. I cannot look at myself with out bursting into tears. Okay i am 53kg. FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE. I am just in this horrible rut of: starving, binging, purging, exercising and cutting. I can't even do those things right. I have been self-harming so much latly i am so sorry. I just deserve it. I am so sick of it all.

I am sick of having non-existent bones. I feel/ look for them every day and its just the same. Covered in layers of fat. I just want to be 40kg. SO FUCKING MUCH YOU JUST HAVE NO IDEA.

I am sick of covering my scars. A part of me just wants to tell everyone. But i know that they will all judge me even if it is not to my face. I will just be known as the 'fat anorexic girl, who starved and cut herself and attempted sucidie even though nothing was wrong with her life'.

Thats the thing, nothing has ever happened to me that makes me so depressed. I have never been raped or bullied. My parents haven't divorsed, I have a caring family. But I just can't seem to see that. I just see that my dad thinks i am a disapointment, my friends think im boring, therefore never invite me anywhere. I see that i am going to be alone forever. Because who wants to be wih a girl that has so many issues, FOR NO REASON AT ALL. I hate it when people say that things are going to get better because i just cannot see it. I just see he black hole of depression that is sucking everything in and i cant do anything to stop it. I am just letting it happen, and i dont care.

The only thing i look forward to now is cutting my skin at night, that is how bad things are.

I am sorry if i dont update often, but i am trying to let you all know that i am still alive, barely.

Bekah
xxx

Hello.
Okay I am off school today. I feel like there is an alien inside of my stomach. Argh. So I was going to fast but I binged instead. Fuck. No self control. I guess there is always tomorrow. But at least I have some laxatives.

Short update sorry. Will post later with some more info on how shit I feel.
Bekah
Xxx

Okay I just went to the doctors. I am 54 kilos. FUCK MY LIFE. So I've gained like 4 kilos over the weekend on my fucking binge. Hdianwksmdi. Oh yeah I'm also constipated which will probably add to the fatness. I just keep saying 'I've gained muscle' nope that's not true I'm just one big fatty. Now I have to eat dinner which I really do now want to. I want to fast until I faint. I do want food or anything in my body. Kill me now.