She made me eat apple crumble and i hate her for that. It frustrates me so much when people talk about how much i eat, or what foods i like. JUST STOP. I don't like food it makes me fat. I don't taste things, i chose not to. Nothing has a taste, it is all the same to me. I have tought myself not to like food, to hate chewing, to hate swollowing, to hate the feeling of being full. To hate myself after i have ate.
To be honest i hate myself all the time. There isn't even a slight moment when i am happy when i lose weight now. I just feel like i am getting bigger even though i am getting smaller. That makes no sence but i feel bigger right now than i did a week ago when i weighed more. That doesn't mean i want to be that weigh that again. HELL NO. I just want to get smaller and smaller and smaller. Until i don't make foot steps in the snow, so delicate and fragile. Righ now i am a fucking blue whale and i make fucking buildings collapes when i walk past.

Bekah
xxx

OMG GUYS, I GOT 100 NOTES OF MY DISGUSTING LEGS ON TUMBLR! AND 99 RETWEETS ON TWITTER. I think i almost cried.

So today i got home and wanted to eat everything, i ate some peanuts then purged them. Sorry.
But everything else went to plan.
I also played badmintona and i swear i am the worst badminton player ever but it was fun!

Tomorrow, skipping dinner yo. So i will have a 'bigger' breakfast. Maybe some cereal or yogurt. Both are around 130 calories.
And i am dancing tomorrow so that is like -640 calories. Bye bye flab.

Gah today i had the worst time, i got feedback from my art teacher and she told me i was failing and art is my best subject. So yeah my whole life is now going to be devoted to that. That doesn't mean that i didn't have a panic attack. I'm not good at anything. The only thing i'm good at is starving myself and i can't even do that right.

One of my friends asked if i was on the 'water diet' today because that's all i ever drink. Then she asked if i was starving myself, it was so awkward. They were all shocked when i said that i drank 2 litres of water a day as well! That is the recommended amount! Not that i stick to the 2000 calories i am recommended but anyways...

Stay strong lovlies.
Bekah
xxx

I only ever feel good when i am hungry. So yes i feel like a whale right now. I just had a massive binge, gah too much food. I took 3 laxatives, which isn't enough but i ran out. That pissed me off.

I had a bleeding nose before and it triggered me so so much to cut and i did. I'm sorry. Monday is a new day. I will not get on the scale tomorrow because i am such a fat failure. I will weight myself once i feel a little thinner, i just feel like i have gained 1897435343975374501 pounds.

I have school tomorrow and i am not in the mood for it.
I have planned my meals for tomorrow and this is how it looks like:
Breakfast: 8 strawberries (24)
Lunch: Skipping.
Dinner: Tofu stir fry. (295)
Total: 319.
I will also be doing an hour of badmington plus other exercises when i get home from school.

I don't ever want to binge again okay? I promis i will post progress pictures soon.

Bekah
xxx

I have had such a weird day.

So i started doing my homework and my computer crashed, it's working again though yay! But still i could of had a lot of homework done.
I was bored and home alone this morning, so i was just causually dancing around to music and never guess what. This whore sprains her ankle. So now i am hobbling around, gah!

So apart from that i am now, 116 lbs! So a pound down yay! So i guess i should tell you guys cals ect. I forgot yesterday oops!

Breakfast: Fat free yogurt with fresh mango (85)
                  Green tea.
Lunch: Small banana (55)
             Green tea.
Dinner: Tomato soup (118)
              Bread roll (105)
              Diet coke (1)
Total: 363 calories.

So tomorrow i am going to visit the grandparents and they always have biscuits and stuff so i am going to have to gather all my self control for this one! If they force me to eat i limit myself to only 2.

Clean november has been great so far, you can join in if you want. Just remember it is more about being healthy than restricting. So no skipping meals or fasting! Really i can't promise that once school starts again that i will skip lunch again. It is just too easy!

I may post some progress pictures when i get to 112, maybe.

Stay strong lovelies!
Bekah
xxx

Hello! I missed you guys!

Again it has been so long since i last posted! But not a lot has changed. I am still a fat pig EL OH EL. I am 117 pounds, ew. Like what the fuck is going on with the lose/ gain cycle it is pissing me off!

Anyways i wished i had posted earlier about clean november so you guys could join in if you wanted. Clean november is eating all GOOD foods. So vegetables/fruits/protein ect. It is not all about restricting it is about being healthy, while restricting. I know restricting isn't healthy but i don't care! I find when i restrict i am eating some bad foods so clean november is the start of the new me. This also means no purging, which is going to be sooooo hard to give up. Oh and i am giving up cutting too, i had been like a week clean until 2 days ago. But i am staying strong again. If i manage to stay on track i won't have much of a reason to cut.

Oh and i have starting to ease in to becoming vegan. I am eating tofu, which y'all should try it is amazing low calories and has lots of protien in! I am also using soya milk, with the ceral i don't often eat but oh well it's less calories than normal milk!

I got a diary yesterday! So i am going to be logging food on that as well as myfitnesspal (add me: Rebecca_28) i have set my goal weight at the front and others as well. My first goal weight is 112 lbs. I hope to be this by the end of november or lower. I am sure i will be able to get this if i stick to clean november. NO, I WILL STICK TO CLEAN NOVEMBER!

If anybody wants to get in touch with me just e-mail me: bekahtrotter@yahoo.com
or kik me: i_want_skinny
add me on instagram? @_am_i_perfect_yet_
add me on twitter? @nolifewithana
or tumblr: www.tearsofananorexic.tumblr.com

i know i have a lot of social networking sites because i have no life okay? Don't be scared to talk ask me anything just go on any of my pages! I am on twitter and instagram more often. If you add me on instagram you'll be able to see ugly pictures of my fat body?

Okay i'll leave y'all alone now.
Stay strong lovelies!
Bekah
xxx

Hello everyone!
I'm so sorry i have been gone again. Everything has just been so hard lately.

I am at 114lbs again, so i need to get to 112 by monday hopefully. But i am on my period so that messed things up. I binged today and i had been doing really well too. I purged and exercised blah so hopefully i'm okay. I probably will gain, i don't really want to get on the scale tomorrow...
I have been pushing everyone further away again and my mother is on my back like a hawk i'm like fly away okay.
I am still having axiety attacks ect. I have exams this year and the pressure for that is just sending me crazy. I am crazy really.
I do feel motivated though, even though i binged today, i feel like i am finally getting somewhere. I just need to be 110 by december, if i'm not well i will just want to die.
Just a short update because sometimes the longer you leave posting the more you have to say and i don't want you guys getting bored.
Bekah
xxx

Sorry for being so distant lately.

So this boy is like got some sort of sexual frustration because that is all her talks about! I have to say i'm not going to be getting into bed with him because of several reasons. He told me he really liked me today, with many other compliments. I don't believe any of them. I feel like he is lying to me, doing it out of sympathy you know?

So today i purged outside of my own house today for the first time today. It was pizza. The boys house i was at today, well he was offering around food and he basicly shoved it down my throat. I almost cried. I had a really bad day today, binge wow. I feel like thats all i ever talk about, me binging and failing all the time.

Tomorrow is a new day, lets go a week without binging okay?

Bekah
xxx