Well I binged last night and purged. Fail. Anyway let's put the past behind us and start a new, again.

Can you believe that my mum actually forced me to show her my stomach last night. Then she gave me another lecture on how my so skinny, that I don't eat enough, blah, blah. It is so boring now!

I had a whole week off school. Yeah I only have one week left before my work experience. Crap, yes I just realised that I have so much course work to do for English, geography, science and god knows what else. And I only have one week to complete it! How the hell an I gunna finish all of that when I am my allowed to take it home! Oh god man I wanna be sick, this is awful. I am such a lazy bitch I really could of got out of bed and went to school. I suppose I am just gunna have to be behind. What an idiot I am.

Gunna have a lovely stressful week ahead of me. Hopefully this will distract me from food!

Bekah
Xxx

Leave me to get skinny in peace.

I wasn't even up for 5 minutes and my mother was already harassing me about what I was going to eat! 'what you gunna have this morning?' yes I had cereal, I really wished I had gotten up Later.

After being interrogated about food, my mother didn't even say anything to me. She only demanded that I eat today. Which I won't. I will make something then throw it out, I really do not need to eat I have so much flab.

I weighed in this morning at 116lbs, do I am loosing it yay! I so want to be back at 112lbs by next week. If I stick to my low calories and exercising every day, I am sure I will.

Well my cereal was 130 calories, which Is disgusting. So I did a 5 min jog, 10 crunches, 25 squats, 25 lunges, 30 jumping jacks, 10 burpees, 20 second plank. I am not sure how much that would of burned but I hope it is most of that 130. I know I haven't done that much exercise today but I still feel a bit lame.

I will make 112lbs by next Friday! I will make it.

Bekah
Xxx

I am so sorry for the three updates in one day but I have just taken some progress pic, even though I have gained weight. But I can see some ribs starting to show!! How is this possible ha! It may just be my eyes though, can't wait till I can see them properly.

Bekah
Xxx

DIg me a hole so i can die in it.

635 calories today. Over my limit i know but these parents are doing my head in. I tried to fast and i only ate soup so now they are so concerned because i haven't ate much after that. I feel weak and drained, but i swear its because of the bug i have not the lack of food. I have done this before and felt fine, so why would it make a difference now. Well since that day my parents haven't took an eye off me. I heard my dad mumble to mum in the kitchen ,'She's going to end up a skeleton' I have to say i want to be a skeleton, i do not want fat on my body. It's gross, bones are natural when flab is just gross. I don't know if i am making it obvious that i am trying to aviod carbs. 'Do you want some toast?' I will say,'No bread is heavy on my stomach so it makes it hurt' what a pathetic excuse right? She is going to force me to eat cereal tomorrow moring. She was trying to convince me to have some before bed, but that is just absurd imagine how much weight i would gain. Eating before bed is never a good thing, because you will never burn it off. So i just said that my tummy was too sore and that i would have some tomorrow. Maybe i will wake up later tomorrow, make the ceral and throw it out.

Yes i have been off school for a week. I must off missed so much, i'm not going to think about it though becuase i will just get stressed and have a panic attack or something. I honestly feel depressed. I have been stuck in this house for so  long without speaking to anybody else but my parents. That is just depressing, but the thing is i don't want to go out.
1) because i don't trust myself with food outside the house, i know i will binge.
 2) because i have no energy, i walk 2 steps and have to sit down again.
This bug must be a really mean one.

I hate my friends. Yes i did just say that. Wanna no why. Because there all bitches. Not one of then has asked me how i am feeling. Even after i had a massive break down of tears when we were walking. Oh yeah and my bitchest friend of all i just concernd about are bloody report for duke of edinburgh. She keeps on texting me telling me what i have to wright about and that it has to be in for tomorrow. OMG, I haven't even been at school, i didn't get told about the fucking report. Now she i blaming ME, for failing because i am ill. Oh yeah then she has to go on about how much work i have missed and that i am going to have a fun time catching up. Its like she is braging because she is ahead of me. Because i am normaly the smart one, so always has to win and it pisssd me off. This is what she just text me:
'shit, i'll just get the wrath of mr hill..wonderful. Especally since me and (other friend) have been left to do it all. Your gunna have fun catching up with all the work...'
Is it just me or is that class A bitch. Not one hope you get better soon. Actually that was a lie she text me saying:
'better today?'
Nit even a hello. Argh she boils me piss so fucking much. I seriously want to text her back saying 'you know what your a fucking bitch'

I am so sorry for all of the teenage drama. Rant over.

Bekah
xxx

Even my body, that makes me eat, is not feeling food. So how the helll did i binge.

After my beautiful amount of calories yesterday, i binging today. What is wrong with me! 716 calories today. I have sure not lost anything today. After yesterday i had lost 2lbs. I was 116lbs. I just know i've gained again. I can feel my body shaking because i hae had so much food. My stomach is still all weird and i still feel ill. So i don't think food is agreeing with my stomach, so i sort of hope i am sick by myself. So i don't have to purge, i like it when my body decides to be sick, when i actually want to purge. It saves me a job, sort of ha.

The rain has been unbelievable today. Its thundering and i'm not gunna lie i'm a little scared in the house by myself. The TV keeps on dying on me saying 'No satellite singnal is being recieved' Which is pissing me off. I thought well i will do some exercise then, i started jogging then almost passed out. So i guess i am just going to sit and look at thinspiration and hate myself even more than i alreay do. Have a nice day.

Bekah
xxx

Worst feeling when you see you've gained weight.

119lbs, how the fuck did that happen. You have no idea how shit I feel right now. I ate soup yesterday that is all and I am 119lbs. Last week I was 112lbs, I have gained 7lbs. How disgusting is that! I am mid fasting at the moment, I don't even feel hungry probably because I have so much stored fat that I don't need it! I can't even believe that I weigh this much. I swear that from now on I will never see that weight again. I will not give up, I will keep on loosing until my UGW of 95lbs. Oh god that seems so far away....

I have a password on my phone now, so I am keeping some thinspiration in my pictures. So everytime I have a craving I will look at those pictures and remind myself what I really want. I know the peanuts or the chocolate will seem like a good idea at the time, but what do they bring, 15 minutes of happiness, then so much guilt afterwards. Being skinny will bring days, years of happiness so why would I, do I want to eat stuff that is going to make me depressed.

302 calories today all because of the mother, it was going to be 220 but she forced me to eat a banana. Well she was trying to make me eat some toast. I refused, so we settled on a banana. I still feel so bad. My limit was 300 calories today, I feel like I have cheated even though I am only 2 calories over.

My mother is going to make me eat tomorrow, I will just say that I can't et much because my tummy is still upset, hopefully she will believe me and won't make me eat much. Therefore staying under my 400 calorie limit.

What myfitnesspal told me a great thing today. Wish 5 weeks would come fast!

Bekah
Xxx

I'm ill and fat. Yesterday i was off school, and i binged like all day i am sure i was well over 2000 calories. I am off ill again today. But today i am taking advantage of being ill and i am going to attempt a fast. I haven't had anything yet. But i feel my mother might force me to have something for dinner. So maybe i will have some soup or something like that. So can that count as a liquid fast? That will only be 160 calories today if i stay strong.

Doesn't it seem like i am ill every month? I am sick of being sick. I want to have some energy to do some exercise but i do feel like shit. I am so annoyed with my self because i am going to miss my dance class tonight.

After eating so much sweet things this past week, i have the biggest ulser ever. I can never eat anything sweet without getting an ulser. It is so sore. But i guess its just another excuse not to eat today right?

I'm now going to look at some thinspiration and watch some batman, maybe have a little cry in between. I don't think a day has gone by in the last week when i haven't cried. I feel so pathetic and fat of course.

Bekah
xxx