Hello!

I'm starting ABC today! But I am spending the whole day with the mother! So in gunna have to do some heavy exercise! I am already -234 with breakfast burned off! So If I have only fruit and veg for dinner and lung then exercise I reckon I can stay in minus cals!

My bowel issue is getting better, yay! I also took the test and I'm not pregnant! Thank god! So now I'm just like where the fuck is my period? Well if i go 2 months without it, I'll start being concerned but it can be irregular sometimes right?

I made my red bracelet! I was so chuffed with it! But then it had to go and break! Piece of shit jewellery maker I am ha. I'll post a picture anyways! I feel so positive today, I don't know why! I just have this mind set that I will not give up this time, no matter how hard it gets. I want this. I want perfection.

Bekah
Xxxx

FML

Well my one day binge didn't happen, it turned into a super weekend long binge. Including disgusting take- aways. I feel like the greese if dripping off me. The calories are infecting me and making me fat. I cry and cry loads about this. You know what, is this going to make a differecne? Crying like a failure. I was even considering moving my goal date back a bit. FUCK NO. I will just have to work extra hard. I want to see 114lbs on friday. I recon i am 120, but i am not getting on the scales because that will just trigger me to cut. So is it possible to lose 6lbs, in 4 days? Well i hope so, because i am going full steam ahead.

You know what, i have binged so much recently, that i am not even hungry. I don't even want food. So hopefully this will stay until the end of summer.

Right all of this shitty food has defo not been good for me. I have had some bowl problems, gross i know! But seriously it fucking sucks. I am sercretly and weirdly hopeing that i loose these extra pounds from it.

I am also two weeks late.

Bekah
xxx

Day started off, good. Worked out in the morning, was -344 cals. Then I got to my sisters, no mention of lunch. Then we made dinner, so healthy and low cal that I was jumping or joy. Then I had a ridiculous smile when she said 'we have no treats in sorry!'

Horror struck. 'do you want to go to the shop?' Fuck no I don't are you fuckjng insane! I replied 'yeah sure'

Worst mistake ever. This lead to the biggest binge in mg entire life. I hate myself so much. I can't even cut because I'm at here house and I can't purge either.

I need to stay strong this next week. Restrict, restrict, restrict! I want to be minus cals all week. I do not want to be infected with calories any longer. I feel so greesy and full. I also feel plumb and wobbly. Well I feel like shit, I guess things are normal then.
Bekah
Xxx

Well I do feel like crap today. I'm -70 cals but I just feel like I could of done better. My legs look huge. Im not even kidding. I think all the fat from my recent binges has gone straight to my thunder thighs.

I haven't felt empty in ages and even though I have been good, I just fell grossly full an bloated. I just want to be perfect. I know for sure that I won't be 114lbs tomorrow. So I will just h e to wait another week and hopefully see 114 or 112.

Sisters house tomorrow. She is still a bit Ill so maybe se won't be feeling food so much! Therefore she won't stuff me full until explosion. Other than her making me eat, I am looking forward to staying there! I do love spending time with my sister. We're gunna paint nails and make bracelets! I think I might make a red one!

Being feeling so numb today. Like I'm in a bubble filled of my thoughts about calories and self harm. I don't like I've actually spoken to anyone today. I don't even think I could speak, am I still alive? I surly don't feel it. Even after cutting. I'm sorry, I really am rubbish at recovering.

I'm a mess, I need to wake up.

Bekah
Xxx

WHAT? Are those minus calories?

-305 calories today! So happy! I feel empty and beautiful!

I went shopping today and i bought a pair of UK8 trousers! They are a little tight, so my mission is for them to fit me perfectly with a little room!

I am soooooo happy today! I feel so good that i restricted and didn't binge! First time in about 2 weeks!

I have now found a new way to take my mind of eating more food. Because sometimes when you eat a bad food you think ,'what can i have next?' NO that is no more. I now count how many bites i take of the food. My dad shoved a licorice allsort in my face, it is only one so i am praying it didn't have many calories. So i used my new technique and i took 16 bites! How ridiculous is that! I mean licorice allsorts aren't exactly big! So that made me wonder how many bites do i take when i eat like bread! Hope to god that this will work!

Well today being nice and strong i declined ice cream and strawberries, horray! But the annoying mother got right up my nose! What annoys me more than her even asking if i want any is when she says. 'You sure?' (Imagine a really high pitched annoying motherly concerned tone) YES I AM SURE! Why would i of said no in the first place if i wasn't sure!

My dad also pissed me off today. The first time i was tired in about a month today, so i fell asleep on the sofa. BAD MISTAKE! My dad stormed in and started yelling at me because i hadn't hoovered! What the actucal fuck! I was so annoyed, he didn't even apologise that he had woken me up! What annoys me more is that he goes off his head is anybody wakes him up and he was bascily making out to not be a big deal. Argh, asshole.

To make things worse, i have had a massive break out of spots because of all the crap i've been eating! Great!

Meh, what happened to my good mood?

Sorry about the rant.

I hope for a successful week and to see 114lbs on friday!

Bekah

xxx

Yeah i failed. EPICLY. My friend sucks. She forced me to have dinner and many other foods. But really i screwed up as soon as i woke up. I have cake for breakfast. Then i cut, deeper than ever before. I also cut on my wrist for the first time....why am i such a fuck up? So i ate, and ate and ate today.  But i did exerice, my net is 433. But my intake is 1215. Meh, i suck.

So my cuts hurt, they wouln't stop bleeding. I am so disapoined in my self. The same with the binging.

Maybe i should stop saying that tomorrow i will be better, becuase am i ever really? I am with the mother tomorrow so that makes things difficult, to restrict but i think i will go to the gym for an hour! Burn some of my digusting fat off!

Limit tomorrow? 500 i think. That seems so much, feel like i fail if i eat 500, maybe 300? That sounds so much better. I had 300 calories today. You know what also sounds a lot better. I weigh 95lbs. I need to implant my UGW in my head when i want to binge. Think about all the things i hate about my self. stupid/ugly/fat/wobbly/lumpy/giant/idiot/pathetic/worthless/depressed.

I cry in my pillow tonight, for a better tomorrow.

Bekah
xxx

Well today didn't go well. I have been saying that so much lately that i am just sick of being disappointed with myself. I ate...like a normal person today. I didn't stick to my plan because it is almost impossible with the mother hanging over my shoulder. She made me binge, she dangled a piece of chocolate in my face, so i gobbled the whole bar up. Along with cake and peanuts. AGAIN, my 21 days starts tomorrow.

I am meeting my friend tomorrow, were gunna go shopping then go back to her house for a bit. I am going to be strong tomorrow. 'No thanks, i'm nit hungry', 'My mum is making a big dinner', 'I had a massive breakfast/lunch' I am really concidering on fasting tomorrow. It is doable if i use all the right lies in the right places! Strength is all i need.

Okay so tomorrow i want to buy some laxitives for those binge days that i have so often. But i am going to be with my friend! So would this exuce work,'My mum asked me to get them,.....(mini rant about how weird it is buying laxitives and why she couldn't of got them her self)....' Plus is their an age limit on buying laxitives?

My stomach is seriously grossing me out so much right at this moment. I cannot feel my hipbones, where are those gorgeous things!

Bekah
xxx