Hello.
Today has been a roller coaster.
I started my day off with binging and purging twice, then self harming a lot. I then searched the whole house for any medication that hasn't been hidden and I found 4 ibuprofen, not enough.
So I am currently holding on to them so I can take them with more stuff nearer the date.
Well after that my therapist shows up and we do this shitty collage thing. While today the collage she mentions hospital to me again and she says that she thinks it will really benefit me right now as I'm obviously really struggling and the date is fast approaching. She basically talked me through what inpatient is like blah, blah, blah. Also because of my medication drama I need to be monitored in case I go manic,yay.
Well after she left I binged and purged again. I purged blood but I couldn't give two shits about that right now.
Oh and tonight I had to go out to a fucking meal with my friends. Can you sense how enjoyable that was for me? Dinner was awful, I couldn't eat it and I almost cried. Then I fainted. Great.
Did I mention how the majority of the conversations we had were about self harm and suicide. No, they are not aware of my current situation. So that was awkward as fuck.
I think the worst of the whole night was that they were talking about what a fabulous night they had on Friday. A night which I wasn't invited on. I just don't get why they invited me to this shitty meal but not a great night out with alcohol on Friday.
Not to mention how much Friday sucked for me as I had a two hour Mental Health Assessment and falling out with my best friend (who is aware of my current situation and still hasn't talked to me since).
Oh but they invited me to the beach this Friday, oh lucky me. I probably won't be able to go because I have fucking therapy and may be getting admitted then so fuck.
Anyways, since I'm in such a fabulous mood all I can think about is my trip to my sisters tomorrow. That includes a 45 minutes train ride with my mother there and back, shopping, eating out and walking around in a busy city with lots of people. NO. I cannot deal with this okay, It is too fucking much. I can tell that tomorrow I'm going to struggle a lot. Since the whether has been so nice as well, everyone is going to be in shock if I wear long sleeves. Yet, imagine the shock if they seen my arms without sleeves. To be honest, I hardly have a bit of clear skin left due to all the self harm scars and fresh cuts.
I really don't know how I'm going to get through tomorrow I really don't. I just want to die right now so it doesn't have to happen.
Well, clearly I have had a brilliant day and I'm sure tomorrow will be twice as good.
From your kind but yet very,very,very suicidal friend,
Bekah
xxx
Tuesday 16 July 2013
Monday 15 July 2013
Tough days, confused minds.
Hello.
Today has been really tough. It's been very warm here in England and I've spent the majority of my day inside. That's because my whole body is covered in self harm scars. That means I'm unable to wear summer clothes. I have to say I get a lot of weird looks when I go out in jeans and a jumper. I mean it's not like I'm warm either because a lovely side effect to eating disorders is that you're cold all the time.
Well that isn't the only sucky thing about my day. I seen my therapist today. Since I'm suffering with Social Anxiety we had to go out and try and face some of my fears. We tried this last Saturday and I refused to leave the house and cried quite a lot. So today we went to a cafe. I shook the whole time and she was talking but I was for sure not listening. All I could think was 'everyone is starring at me', 'they all think I'm a psycho'. Well I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was a psycho because I am really.
Next time we go out I have to order, then the next time I have to eat out. Eating out is one of my biggest eating disorder fears. I don't even eat in front of my family so this is going to be really tough. I just need to keep thinking that I can't be like this forever. I need to fight it or I will become it.
I was supposed to be meeting my 'friends' today but they said they were going to the beach and that just set off alarm bells in my head and I said I couldn't make it. The beach, is a fear I am not ready to conquer.
Gosh, why am I making myself out to be like some sort of winner over my mental disorders. I'm not, believe me. I'm actually at my worst state. My depression is definitely at it's worse. Suicidal thoughts never leave my head. I did actually write a letter to my therapist today but I didn't give it to her. Why?
CONTEXT: Last week they found out that I was collecting pills to overdose on and they immediately told my mum that she needed to stay off work because I was a danger to myself and that they would have to visit every day, maybe even twice a day to make sure I'm okay. Then I needed another mental health assessment which was when medication was decided.
REASON: I didn't give the letter because she mentioned cutting down how much I need to be seen by them and she's letting my mum go back to work.
I WANT MY FREEDOM BACK.
I know if I give the letter, my risk at hospitalization will increase as I've been trying to kill myself by strangling myself with shoelaces, not looking when I cross the road and I've been tempted to go and buy more medication to overdose on.
I have no idea really what would happen if I gave them this letter or even informed them of the way my mental state it.
I'm not improving in any way so I'm surprised that they think I'm okay. I've self harmed everyday since, wow I can't even remember. I haven't stopped purging either. I just don't know.
I guess you could say I'm confused about many things right now. I'm not sure if I want recovery or not. I just want someone to tell me what to do because I honestly cannot decide by myself.
Stay Strong Beautifuls
Bekah
xxx
Today has been really tough. It's been very warm here in England and I've spent the majority of my day inside. That's because my whole body is covered in self harm scars. That means I'm unable to wear summer clothes. I have to say I get a lot of weird looks when I go out in jeans and a jumper. I mean it's not like I'm warm either because a lovely side effect to eating disorders is that you're cold all the time.
Well that isn't the only sucky thing about my day. I seen my therapist today. Since I'm suffering with Social Anxiety we had to go out and try and face some of my fears. We tried this last Saturday and I refused to leave the house and cried quite a lot. So today we went to a cafe. I shook the whole time and she was talking but I was for sure not listening. All I could think was 'everyone is starring at me', 'they all think I'm a psycho'. Well I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was a psycho because I am really.
Next time we go out I have to order, then the next time I have to eat out. Eating out is one of my biggest eating disorder fears. I don't even eat in front of my family so this is going to be really tough. I just need to keep thinking that I can't be like this forever. I need to fight it or I will become it.
I was supposed to be meeting my 'friends' today but they said they were going to the beach and that just set off alarm bells in my head and I said I couldn't make it. The beach, is a fear I am not ready to conquer.
Gosh, why am I making myself out to be like some sort of winner over my mental disorders. I'm not, believe me. I'm actually at my worst state. My depression is definitely at it's worse. Suicidal thoughts never leave my head. I did actually write a letter to my therapist today but I didn't give it to her. Why?
CONTEXT: Last week they found out that I was collecting pills to overdose on and they immediately told my mum that she needed to stay off work because I was a danger to myself and that they would have to visit every day, maybe even twice a day to make sure I'm okay. Then I needed another mental health assessment which was when medication was decided.
REASON: I didn't give the letter because she mentioned cutting down how much I need to be seen by them and she's letting my mum go back to work.
I WANT MY FREEDOM BACK.
I know if I give the letter, my risk at hospitalization will increase as I've been trying to kill myself by strangling myself with shoelaces, not looking when I cross the road and I've been tempted to go and buy more medication to overdose on.
I have no idea really what would happen if I gave them this letter or even informed them of the way my mental state it.
I'm not improving in any way so I'm surprised that they think I'm okay. I've self harmed everyday since, wow I can't even remember. I haven't stopped purging either. I just don't know.
I guess you could say I'm confused about many things right now. I'm not sure if I want recovery or not. I just want someone to tell me what to do because I honestly cannot decide by myself.
Stay Strong Beautifuls
Bekah
xxx
Sunday 14 July 2013
Blog make over!
Hello,
So now that I've changed my blog name/display picture they may be some confusion to who I am. I used to be 'My Secret Called Anorexia' and this is now my recovery blog.
Wow I say recovery like it's an easy thing. Recovery is always going to be a hard road and I am fighting even if it doesn't seem like that and I'm still losing weight but whatever.
I just hope that I don't lose any followers. I am here for you guys and you can ask me anything and I will be here to answer.
For a while, my posts are all going to be me updating on what's happened or I could just jump right in there to the here and now. I think I'll do that actually with a little update because well the past is the past and we don't want to focus on that, I need to focus on the future!
Well I've finished all my GCSE's, It was actually a month ago that they all ended today. Also a month ago today since I took my overdose. So a month in treatment already, wow. Anyways, I'm not just waiting for results but I'm trying not to focus on that too much.
I'm just focusing on recovery. Well, that's the only thing that I have to focus on or off to hospital I go. Ever since my last suicide attempt and my therapist finding out that I was holding a large amount of pills waiting to swallow them all at once on the 30th, I've been on 24 hour supervision basically. My therapist comes daily and it sucks. I hate it. It was only yesterday when I was left alone for 3 hours that I realized how fragile I am. I know that I can't do this on my own but at 16 years old it's really difficult to not have ANY time to your self. Sometimes, I just wished that they would put me in hospital to get away from my parents.
Well I'm starting on anti-depressants next week. The anti-depressants that I'm going to take however have risks of increasing mania (i'm bipolar type 2) and they are unsure whether I was misdiagnosed or not. So it's basically like wait and see if I go manic. So that's going to be fun. But anti-depressants can actually increase suicidal behavior. So that will also be a blast. I really don't want to take medication to be able to control my mood for the rest of my life. I'm going to be dependent on them. Well, I don't think I have a choice in the matter anyways, I never have before.
Okay, I'll stop boring everyone now.
If you want to talk or anything here are ways to contact me:
Instagram: @shehaslostcontrol OR @paleandbruised
Twitter: @sadsweethear
Tumblr: tearsofabulimic.tumblr.com
KIK: myemptysoul_
I am here for you and I will listen.
Bekah
xxx
So now that I've changed my blog name/display picture they may be some confusion to who I am. I used to be 'My Secret Called Anorexia' and this is now my recovery blog.
Wow I say recovery like it's an easy thing. Recovery is always going to be a hard road and I am fighting even if it doesn't seem like that and I'm still losing weight but whatever.
I just hope that I don't lose any followers. I am here for you guys and you can ask me anything and I will be here to answer.
For a while, my posts are all going to be me updating on what's happened or I could just jump right in there to the here and now. I think I'll do that actually with a little update because well the past is the past and we don't want to focus on that, I need to focus on the future!
Well I've finished all my GCSE's, It was actually a month ago that they all ended today. Also a month ago today since I took my overdose. So a month in treatment already, wow. Anyways, I'm not just waiting for results but I'm trying not to focus on that too much.
I'm just focusing on recovery. Well, that's the only thing that I have to focus on or off to hospital I go. Ever since my last suicide attempt and my therapist finding out that I was holding a large amount of pills waiting to swallow them all at once on the 30th, I've been on 24 hour supervision basically. My therapist comes daily and it sucks. I hate it. It was only yesterday when I was left alone for 3 hours that I realized how fragile I am. I know that I can't do this on my own but at 16 years old it's really difficult to not have ANY time to your self. Sometimes, I just wished that they would put me in hospital to get away from my parents.
Well I'm starting on anti-depressants next week. The anti-depressants that I'm going to take however have risks of increasing mania (i'm bipolar type 2) and they are unsure whether I was misdiagnosed or not. So it's basically like wait and see if I go manic. So that's going to be fun. But anti-depressants can actually increase suicidal behavior. So that will also be a blast. I really don't want to take medication to be able to control my mood for the rest of my life. I'm going to be dependent on them. Well, I don't think I have a choice in the matter anyways, I never have before.
Okay, I'll stop boring everyone now.
If you want to talk or anything here are ways to contact me:
Instagram: @shehaslostcontrol OR @paleandbruised
Twitter: @sadsweethear
Tumblr: tearsofabulimic.tumblr.com
KIK: myemptysoul_
I am here for you and I will listen.
Bekah
xxx
I'm back
Hello skinnies!
I'm so sorry that I'v been away for so long. It's been a very long and complicated journey since the last time I posted.
Things have changed significantly.
4 weeks ago, I took an overdose and had to be taken to hospital. Now I'm on constant supervision and have to be seen daily by my therapist. I am so close to being sectioned (forced to go into a psychiatric hospital) as I refuse to get help.
I was also diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa. I know, how things change.
I'm in recovery now. Well, forced recovery. It's hard and I hate it. I know I should be trying harder as I don't want to go to hospital. I'm not even trying really. Not from bulimia anyways. Depression can go fuck it's self but I need my eating disorder.
I'm so sorry for not being here for you guys. I really need to catch up with blogs and get into the rhythm of blogging again because I really do miss it. I think I may delete all my old posts and do my blog a good ol' make over.
Just stay strong my lovelies and I will post more often, I promise.
Bekah
xxx
I'm so sorry that I'v been away for so long. It's been a very long and complicated journey since the last time I posted.
Things have changed significantly.
4 weeks ago, I took an overdose and had to be taken to hospital. Now I'm on constant supervision and have to be seen daily by my therapist. I am so close to being sectioned (forced to go into a psychiatric hospital) as I refuse to get help.
I was also diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa. I know, how things change.
I'm in recovery now. Well, forced recovery. It's hard and I hate it. I know I should be trying harder as I don't want to go to hospital. I'm not even trying really. Not from bulimia anyways. Depression can go fuck it's self but I need my eating disorder.
I'm so sorry for not being here for you guys. I really need to catch up with blogs and get into the rhythm of blogging again because I really do miss it. I think I may delete all my old posts and do my blog a good ol' make over.
Just stay strong my lovelies and I will post more often, I promise.
Bekah
xxx
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