I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT ANYBODY FOLLOWS THIS NEW PLAN, FOR ME ONLY.

So here are my new goals for 2013:

I am currently 114 lbs and i am counting 2 pound gain at Christmas.

End of January - 108 lbs
End of February - 102 lbs
End of March - 98 lbs
End of April - 95 lbs
End of May - 93 lbs
End of June - 90 lbs

Food plan:
Eating clean,
allow ONE treat on fridays,
calories MUST be lower than 700,
if more MUST be exercised off,
NO purging,
NO binging,
IF binge does occur, MUST cut your self, i deserve it,
NEVER eat when alone.

EXERCISE (weekdays):
30 minutes of yoga EVERY day,
10 minutes if stationary bike EVERYDAY,
Abletics up to 6.
(Weekends):
10 minutes cross trainer,
10 minutes stationary bike,
30 minutes yoga,
Abletics up to 10.

Add me on myfitnesspal, and keep track of my progress: Rebecca_28. This new plan won't begin until New year.

I am sick of it. Sick of all this fat. Sick of all this food. I am sick of being sick. SO FUCK IT. Fuck fat, fuck food, fuck everything. I am ready to give up on my comforts. My exams until January are DONE. Yes i know i have to revise, but these christmas holidays are the perfect time to lose some pounds. I am going to start YOGA! Yes! I am so excited! I'm also thinking of running again! I will get mother fucking abs and when i do i'll post a lovely picture of them!

So plan is in the holidays:
30 mins yoga
20 mins cycling/running (need to build it up so i don't die haha)
50 squats (3 sets)
Up to 6 ablectics.
Food around 700 calories (high i know but it is to prevent binges and i will slowly get to under 500 again)

What do you think? I like my plan to be honest! Of course this won't apply of christmas day which is going to drive this whale fucking crazy!

AGJSNlandjxna! Guys i made 2000 followers on Instagram! I can't believe it! So go follow me if you like, @tearsofananorexic i post regular pictures of my ugly body and i rant a lot haha!

Stay strong my wonderful followers!
Bekah
Xxx

The day after the night before..

Last night, where to fucking begin.
It was crazy, i got so drunk. So drunk i could barely stand, or keep my head up. I also had a pee in front of several people and puked 3 times. Oh did i mention that i kissed not one but two people last night. When i say kiss i mean like tongue in throat. Like what. I don't even know. One of them was the boy that i have been on and off for a while, but the other i haven't spoken to him in forever! I was completly taken advantage of. It is very embarrassing. It is funny i'm not going to lie but wow. And i was still a little drunk this morning and texted the other boy! I was fucking flirting and i don't even like him really. I am such a slut. I have most certainly paid for it today, so hungover. I ate so much today it is sickening. Gah i hate myself so much right now.

I hope everyone else had a calm and peaceful saturday night!
Bekah
xxx

Progress for this week.

No progress. 4 pounds lighter but no difference. Ew.
Quick update so yeah i'm going now, wish me luck for tonight, i'm nervous!
Bekah
Xxx

Hey!
Thanks for your comments on my last post!

Anyways, this week has been good food wise and i have lost 4 pounds. Yes i am back to weighing myself everyday sorry! I have been around 500 calories all week, which i know is a lot of calories but it has saved me from binging. I am also a week free of purging YAY!

I have a party tomorrow night. I am so nervous! I am nervous because there will be alcohol and that has calories, ew. Also i get drunk way too quickly. So god knows what sort of state i'll be in. I am also trying to avoid this boy, we have been on and off for a couple of month. Blah like we just always end up together at things like this. So tomorrow i want to fast until i have to go to the party. But i guess that ain't happening because i am spending the day with my sister. UGH. So tomorrow i will probably break my purge freeness. I should really be more positive but i can't oh well.

Omg the weirdest thing just happened. I went to log on here and i went on to the page and i was logged on to my old account. My old blog was just the same as this one but it became really ED related, so i made a new one from scratch. It is weird because i have never logged on to that account in about 8 months, i have also never been on it on this computer before. This is also my own computer, so my family wouldn't of been on it. It is so weird! Like i have no idea what is going on!

Stay strong lovelies <3
Bekah
xxx

New progress pictures, BEWARE FAT WHORE.

I am really down right now, i just feel so shit. Today was sort of okay with food, bleh. But my mother changed food plans at the last minute and it pissed me off because everything was perfectly planned out. She then tried to give me bread, which is my biggest food fear, so i stuffed it up my sleeve. It's a new thing i've got into which is just as addictive as everything else i do that is bad.
So here it goes, my progress pictures of 2 weeks and it's shit. I'm a gross fat fuck. I probably blinded y'all sorry.
Bekah
Xxx

LOL, I AM SUCH A FAT WHORE STILL.

I am sick of being in this fucking rut of getting fatter.I have composed some new rules.
1) All voluntary eating MUST be healthy. (fruits, veg, even yogurt)
2) All involuntary food must be eaten at very small amounts.
3) No binge eating
4) If you even think of eating outside of the meal plan/calorie intake, MUST do 10 crunches.
5) If craving food, drink 1 liter of water.
6) Only if food cravings are so bad and you have been in net calories of - numbers in 4 days, allow a mug of hot chocolate or milk (soya)
7) If you even slightly go out of the meal plan/calorie intake, you will cut your self. (i'm too fat to recover)
8) There is always something else to do rather than eat fatty!

I suck at life okay?
If anyone wants to give me some good low calorie meals, comment below please!
I am vegetrain so no meat! I will love you forever!
Hope y'allare doing better than i am!
Stay strong!
Bekah
xxx

I feel that i only ever post on here when i have binged, so you guys will keep on thinking i'm a failure. This last week has been going great, until my fucking period decided to show up. So i basicly just ate the whole kitchen and didn't purge. WHAT A STUPID GIRL. So here i am, being all fat and pathetic.I still want to keep on eating really.
I passed my german speaking yay!!
I don't really have much to say. Sorry i will post when i get more energy!
Goodbye lovely followers!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

WORST MEASURMENTS EVER.

So i measured everything today and OMG i am sooooooo fucking fat lol. I am debating whether to post them because you will all laugh at me saying how fat i am. Okay here they are (PLEASE NOTE I AM BLOATED FROM DINNER)
Thigh: 18 inches
Butt: 35 inches
Waist: 27 inches
Hips: 32 inches
Upper arm: 10 inches
Wrist: 5 inches.
IN OTHER WORDS FAT. Please don't laugh. I will update on saturday. And i will post my 'progress' pictures.
Today's intake was 530 calories, blah too much. I have been starving myself for so long and i am no where near thin it is driving me crazy. I need it off.
Dear fat,
please evacuate my body immeaditly.
Thank you.
Bekah
xxx

I've had enough okay. So no more binging and purging. No more purging AT ALL. I am sick of being in this rut of disgustingness. I need to shrink, NOW.
So here's what's going to happen. Limit of 500 calories FOREVER, no more. 100 sit-ups a night, 150 bicycle crunches, 20 minuites of cycling and more if i am feeling very energetic. NO MORE SCALES. I am now going to post progress pictures every saturday! That will be starting NEXT week. But this will discourage me not to binge/purge on friday and saturday which are the main binge/purge days. Then if i feel that i actually look smaller, i will step on those scales and tell y'all what i weigh. But right now, that information is confidential.
I need to be thin. I have had enough of being stuck at the same weight range with the same flabby areas. It has come to the point where i have finally gave in.
I don't care if i am weak, i don't care if i faint, if my hair falls out, if i die. I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
Watch me shrink bitches, you will be jealous.
Bekah
xxx

She made me eat apple crumble and i hate her for that. It frustrates me so much when people talk about how much i eat, or what foods i like. JUST STOP. I don't like food it makes me fat. I don't taste things, i chose not to. Nothing has a taste, it is all the same to me. I have tought myself not to like food, to hate chewing, to hate swollowing, to hate the feeling of being full. To hate myself after i have ate.
To be honest i hate myself all the time. There isn't even a slight moment when i am happy when i lose weight now. I just feel like i am getting bigger even though i am getting smaller. That makes no sence but i feel bigger right now than i did a week ago when i weighed more. That doesn't mean i want to be that weigh that again. HELL NO. I just want to get smaller and smaller and smaller. Until i don't make foot steps in the snow, so delicate and fragile. Righ now i am a fucking blue whale and i make fucking buildings collapes when i walk past.

Bekah
xxx

OMG GUYS, I GOT 100 NOTES OF MY DISGUSTING LEGS ON TUMBLR! AND 99 RETWEETS ON TWITTER. I think i almost cried.

So today i got home and wanted to eat everything, i ate some peanuts then purged them. Sorry.
But everything else went to plan.
I also played badmintona and i swear i am the worst badminton player ever but it was fun!

Tomorrow, skipping dinner yo. So i will have a 'bigger' breakfast. Maybe some cereal or yogurt. Both are around 130 calories.
And i am dancing tomorrow so that is like -640 calories. Bye bye flab.

Gah today i had the worst time, i got feedback from my art teacher and she told me i was failing and art is my best subject. So yeah my whole life is now going to be devoted to that. That doesn't mean that i didn't have a panic attack. I'm not good at anything. The only thing i'm good at is starving myself and i can't even do that right.

One of my friends asked if i was on the 'water diet' today because that's all i ever drink. Then she asked if i was starving myself, it was so awkward. They were all shocked when i said that i drank 2 litres of water a day as well! That is the recommended amount! Not that i stick to the 2000 calories i am recommended but anyways...

Stay strong lovlies.
Bekah
xxx

I only ever feel good when i am hungry. So yes i feel like a whale right now. I just had a massive binge, gah too much food. I took 3 laxatives, which isn't enough but i ran out. That pissed me off.

I had a bleeding nose before and it triggered me so so much to cut and i did. I'm sorry. Monday is a new day. I will not get on the scale tomorrow because i am such a fat failure. I will weight myself once i feel a little thinner, i just feel like i have gained 1897435343975374501 pounds.

I have school tomorrow and i am not in the mood for it.
I have planned my meals for tomorrow and this is how it looks like:
Breakfast: 8 strawberries (24)
Lunch: Skipping.
Dinner: Tofu stir fry. (295)
Total: 319.
I will also be doing an hour of badmington plus other exercises when i get home from school.

I don't ever want to binge again okay? I promis i will post progress pictures soon.

Bekah
xxx

I have had such a weird day.

So i started doing my homework and my computer crashed, it's working again though yay! But still i could of had a lot of homework done.
I was bored and home alone this morning, so i was just causually dancing around to music and never guess what. This whore sprains her ankle. So now i am hobbling around, gah!

So apart from that i am now, 116 lbs! So a pound down yay! So i guess i should tell you guys cals ect. I forgot yesterday oops!

Breakfast: Fat free yogurt with fresh mango (85)
                  Green tea.
Lunch: Small banana (55)
             Green tea.
Dinner: Tomato soup (118)
              Bread roll (105)
              Diet coke (1)
Total: 363 calories.

So tomorrow i am going to visit the grandparents and they always have biscuits and stuff so i am going to have to gather all my self control for this one! If they force me to eat i limit myself to only 2.

Clean november has been great so far, you can join in if you want. Just remember it is more about being healthy than restricting. So no skipping meals or fasting! Really i can't promise that once school starts again that i will skip lunch again. It is just too easy!

I may post some progress pictures when i get to 112, maybe.

Stay strong lovelies!
Bekah
xxx

Hello! I missed you guys!

Again it has been so long since i last posted! But not a lot has changed. I am still a fat pig EL OH EL. I am 117 pounds, ew. Like what the fuck is going on with the lose/ gain cycle it is pissing me off!

Anyways i wished i had posted earlier about clean november so you guys could join in if you wanted. Clean november is eating all GOOD foods. So vegetables/fruits/protein ect. It is not all about restricting it is about being healthy, while restricting. I know restricting isn't healthy but i don't care! I find when i restrict i am eating some bad foods so clean november is the start of the new me. This also means no purging, which is going to be sooooo hard to give up. Oh and i am giving up cutting too, i had been like a week clean until 2 days ago. But i am staying strong again. If i manage to stay on track i won't have much of a reason to cut.

Oh and i have starting to ease in to becoming vegan. I am eating tofu, which y'all should try it is amazing low calories and has lots of protien in! I am also using soya milk, with the ceral i don't often eat but oh well it's less calories than normal milk!

I got a diary yesterday! So i am going to be logging food on that as well as myfitnesspal (add me: Rebecca_28) i have set my goal weight at the front and others as well. My first goal weight is 112 lbs. I hope to be this by the end of november or lower. I am sure i will be able to get this if i stick to clean november. NO, I WILL STICK TO CLEAN NOVEMBER!

If anybody wants to get in touch with me just e-mail me: bekahtrotter@yahoo.com
or kik me: i_want_skinny
add me on instagram? @_am_i_perfect_yet_
add me on twitter? @nolifewithana
or tumblr: www.tearsofananorexic.tumblr.com

i know i have a lot of social networking sites because i have no life okay? Don't be scared to talk ask me anything just go on any of my pages! I am on twitter and instagram more often. If you add me on instagram you'll be able to see ugly pictures of my fat body?

Okay i'll leave y'all alone now.
Stay strong lovelies!
Bekah
xxx

Hello everyone!
I'm so sorry i have been gone again. Everything has just been so hard lately.

I am at 114lbs again, so i need to get to 112 by monday hopefully. But i am on my period so that messed things up. I binged today and i had been doing really well too. I purged and exercised blah so hopefully i'm okay. I probably will gain, i don't really want to get on the scale tomorrow...
I have been pushing everyone further away again and my mother is on my back like a hawk i'm like fly away okay.
I am still having axiety attacks ect. I have exams this year and the pressure for that is just sending me crazy. I am crazy really.
I do feel motivated though, even though i binged today, i feel like i am finally getting somewhere. I just need to be 110 by december, if i'm not well i will just want to die.
Just a short update because sometimes the longer you leave posting the more you have to say and i don't want you guys getting bored.
Bekah
xxx

Sorry for being so distant lately.

So this boy is like got some sort of sexual frustration because that is all her talks about! I have to say i'm not going to be getting into bed with him because of several reasons. He told me he really liked me today, with many other compliments. I don't believe any of them. I feel like he is lying to me, doing it out of sympathy you know?

So today i purged outside of my own house today for the first time today. It was pizza. The boys house i was at today, well he was offering around food and he basicly shoved it down my throat. I almost cried. I had a really bad day today, binge wow. I feel like thats all i ever talk about, me binging and failing all the time.

Tomorrow is a new day, lets go a week without binging okay?

Bekah
xxx

The fat whore has male attention.

The day started off with a binge/purge session. My stomach is still in knots from all the sugar i ate. My throat hurts and is so dry. So you can imagine that going out with my friends wasn't exactly my first intestions today. I felt so gross and fat. I took over an hour to get dressed. I changed about 10 times before i left and i looked so obese. But i managed to burn all of it off and i am in minus calories but UGH, i do not feel good.

So i went and met my friends around about lunch. The friends i have that live in town are 2 boys and 1 girl. I am going to give some pretend names so 1st boy is 'danny' 2nd 'harry' another boy which i will induce later 'liam'. (the girl is irrelivent in this story)

So harry, has liked me for a while, has asked me out via text, which i never replied. But i do NOT like him that way. I am just not attracted to him.

Danny, is the only 'close' friend i really have. I can tell him anythin and he is bi.

Liam, is harry's brother, whom i have a lot in commen with and have been texting him a lot lately.

So i was sitting in the park with danny and he said. 'I think we would make a very nice couple, we have a lot in common, good friends always end up being in a relationship eventually, maybe not today but one day we will end up getting together'
HOLD UP. Okay so i never said i didn't like him, but i don't know if i would be in a relationship with him. So following this was mass flirtation. This included, butt pinching, hugging, several compliments. The compliment i can just not take well, it's so awkward. I just feel like it's sacrasm.

So Liam, i went around to harry's house and he was their. So we were talking and stuff. Then we was flirting a lot with me. The compliments, the butt pinching and holding hands! AWKWARD. So later on, he said, 'I love you, i would save you from a mob of zombies. Like you're really cool. I would like you to be my girlfriend' LETS NOT MENTION THE LOOKS DANNY WAS GIVING HIM. Oh did i also mention, that liam is 3 years older than me and i like him back?

So a lot of boy attention today and i am not going to right down all the rude and sex related comments i was given today. Oh which included liam asking me to stay at him house tonight....

Wow, why do they even like me. I am a gross fat whore. Blah. It probably is just all sarcasm.

Bekah
xxx

Friends, who the fuck needs them.

Guys i'm back at school! Not fun at all!
So i have missed shit loads and it started an anxiety attack, blah i wish i wouldn't worry so much!

So my friends have suddenly released a whole truck full of pity on me. "You seem really lonely, we think you are depressed and showing signs of being suicidal" THANATOS! I just thought, well if you knew what i did this summer.....
So basicly they invited me out tonight, i went. They also invited me out this weekend to go to a movie. I will go but i just feel like they are doing this because they feel sorry for me. Because they think i'm lonely. I don't want pity, it is the last thing i want. Just all of this makes me think, have they seen my scars? Hmm. Despite all my negative thoughts on them feeling sorry for me, it made me feel good. I do feel loved. And after coming home tonight i feel a lot happier! I even had motivation to tidy up my room! I had a good time, it's just pushing myself to get out that is the hard part. So i hope this weekend will be good and i will be able to start school on monday a fresh. Putting all my effort into socialising and my school work. Oh and loosing weight haha!

Remember 'amy' well she is a bitch and i hate her, okay? She has basicly replaced me. So that is another reason why these friends are feeling bad for me. Anther reason for my depression i guess...

Okay so i may sound like i have a lot a friends. I am not going to deny that. I don't sit alone at lunch, and i don't think that will ever be a problem. Why? Because i'm somewhat 'popular'. But i am not the 'popular' that sleeps around and is in the middle of the school gossip. I am the 'popular' that just talks to all the girls that sleep around and are in the middle of the school gossip. I am the girl which has many friends, but doesn't have any. Does that make sense? I don't have any close friends. I have friends that i will talk to at school, but i don't have friends that come to my house and i tell them everything about my life. So everything just gets kept inside. I can't open up to anybody. Even if i had the chance, i don't think i would because i don't think they would understand. What i am saying is, i would rather have 2 great friends which understood me and cared, rather than 20 'friends' who couldn't care less. I just want a friend that i can open up to, not have to lie around. My whole life is a lie, only me, myself and i know the truth and right now, that isn't going to be changing any time soon.

So FOOD, today was good 377 calories and my net -340. I feel good. I hope i have lost by tomorrow, praying for 112 again! Then i can just get lower and lower! This new workout is really good and i definitly feel a difference! Feel free to write it down and give it a go!

Bekah
xxx

GUYS I LOST 2 POUNDS! Oops, maybe i cheated and weighted myself this morning...oh well. I am happy!

So i have got to my friday goal before friday! So now i want to be 112 by friday, i am now 114! Still a disgusting weight but i'm getting there. I know i can get to 100 by the beginning of november if i ditch the binging and purging. I really don't even want to eat, the pure thought of eating turns my stomach in knots.

I am fasting today! 16/24. I need to look like i've lost weight for going back to school tomorrow. Yes i am finally going to brave the outside world. My anxiety is getting the better of me and i need to get back on track with my school work. I need to do well in these exams. I CANNOT FAIL. I guess thats a good attidude to have right?

Oh and my friends haven't text me the whole time i have been off school, even though i told them i had to have blood tests ect. I am so loved. Well i guess i am to blame for that too since i pushed them all away. I am so good at that shit.

Maybe i will post a progress picture in my next post.............

Bekah
xxx

My special workout. -750 calories.

My dad can be really harsh with words, so i broke my 3 days clean of cutting yesterday, oops.

I am off school, what a surpirse i'm ill. And i'm depressed as ever. My parents are forcing me to eat fatty gross foods. I am going to brave school tomorrow, hopefully it will calm down my anxiety attacks, which have been really bad lately.

So my intake today was 700 and something, my limit was 500. EKRUHCONFE. So i burned it off. My net is 0. I love the number 0. Size 0, Size 00 even better. 0 lbs, weightless. "Now i know why 0 in tennis is love"
So shall i share my special workout, that i put together last night when i was bored as hell.

Morning workout:
15 jumping jacks,
15 crunches,
15 squats,
15 push-ups.

Total burned: 150.

Evening workout:
Morning workout,
20 crunches (x2),
60 second plank (x2),
30 second plank (x2),
20 side crunches,
20 bicycle crunches,
15 burpees,
1 minute jump rope,
5 minute running,
15 reverse crunches.

Total burned: 650.

So i plan on doing this everyday.i want to be 114 by friday (weigh-in day)  Wish me luck haha!
I hope everyone else is doing well!
Bekah
xxx

I am just the binge machine. The only think i'm good at is gaining weight. I want to eat everything, i don't know why i just do. I'm not even hungry.

Upate of stats

OMG I REALLY NEED TO START RE4ADING BLOGS AGAIN, SORRY GUYS!

Anywho, I have instagram and i follow of course ED accounts. So when i read their captions and see that they have lost weight, i cannot explain how jealous i am. It like burns through me and i hate them for a split moment because they weigh less than me. Blah, i am so weird.

So i want to loose like 20 pounds by november. I think i just set my self up for failure really. I am off school today (again) and by myself, so i am just going to eat when i have to. So i have had breakfast: weetabix (171) and dinner: Tuna pasta (313) So i am over my limit of 400, blah. But i guess it is better than the last 2 days. So if i stick to a limit like this for the next 2 months i am sure to loose around about 20 pounds right?

I really don't want to tell everyone my stats beause i am so fucking embarrassed. I am such a fat whore. But i have grown an inch so i am 5'3". Okay here it goes my weight......115lbs. JHN PESIUCFAIMJFDEA WHAT A FUCKING FAT FAILURE.

SO GUISE I AM NOW GOING TO THROW UP BECAUSE I AM SO DISGUSTED WITH MY SELF.

Bekah
xxx

Don't believe the doctor.

So today was the trip to the doctors. So i was telling him about my stomach pains and how my glands are totally swollen. But of course i didn't say that i had been purging or restricting. So he felt around my tummy and said i had to do a pee sample, so i went and peed in the little cup. But when i came back he said, 'Please make sure that you eat enough becuase thats why your bowel might be slower because your not eating enough' So does that mean that my sister told him about my eating? Also he said that i look 'washed-out' so he said that i could be anaemic and took a blood test. He also thinks i might have glandular fever, but i doubt it because i think it is to do with my purging but i won't tell them that. He also asked me about my period which i found strange. He didn't weigh me though, so i don't know what his train of thought was. Probably thought i was pregnant, PAH, who would have sex with this fat ugly beast. I really don't know what to expect when the results come back, i'm really anxious about it. Blah.

Oh yeah i have also gained 1.5 pounds in 2 days, what a fat fuck. So i am fasting tomorrow, since i am off school because i am ill, well i'm ill all the time but you know.

Right i don't understand one thing. I have very sore chest pains right nowm like the ones you get when you've been restricting for a while, but all i have done that past 2 days is eat. Gah, i don't even know what is going on with me.

hbcodusah hpdicsunkmfxuwehdzxah s I don't know why but i feel so pissed off and angry. I just want it to end. I just want to be thin.

Bekah
xxx

Someone shoot me please?

So yesterday was amazing, i had 68 calories and i burned all that off and i was like -500 and something. I felt so great. But i woke up in the middle of the night shaking like crazy. I then vomited everywhere, but since there was nothing in my stomach it was just all bile, gross. It burned so badly. After i had puked everywhere i got on the scales and hadn't lost a fucking thing. That pissed me off so much, so i took too many laxatives and had a super massive binge, yes i purged inbetween, and yes i have been on and off the toilet for about 3 hours and i have severe stomach cramps. My glands are all swollen, so i look like a hamster. I am also a fat whore and will just keep gaining weight. I feel my family laughing at how fat i am.

Wow, so i am going to the doctors again tomorrow, with the sister. I just hope to fucking god my glands go down by then. Oh so just to ensure that i just fucking ate a whole bar of chocolate and purged it and took more laxatives so now i am going to be up all fucking night on the toilet. Argh i just wanna cut but one is infected and i don't know what to do.

Someone shoot me please?

Bekah
xxx

I'm sure i'll get along somehow, everything is going to be alright.

So guys, hey!
Today SUCKED. So what made it so sucky was that i was forced to eat some chocolate. It was one square of a yorkie(60) so i took it to save all the 'you never eat' speach. So i started eating it and i eat like slowly and i take little bites, so my friends started to mock me because of it. Like what? I hate people watching me eat, but people talking about HOW i eat is just 10 times worse. I wanted to purge so badly. I was so happy i had P.E afterward so i could work it off. But that does not mean that it was not consumed. My limit was 200 today and i am 70 over. DAMNIT! So angry at myself. So tomorrow another 200 limit day, i wanted to fast but that is just not gunna happen because of the family.

On weight, i am a fat ass, as you all know. I haven't lost aything in ages, it is doing my fucking head in. So, i have decided to start weigh-in days, which are going to be on fridays. So every friday (or saturday) i will post my weight.....maybe.

I am also going to try going 21 days without binging, purging and cutting. I really am setting my self up for the perfect storm right? Oh well, i am going to try. The first three weeks are always the hardest, so if i get past these 21 days, i may never binge, purge or cut again. Well, you cannot garentee that but i am sure that i won't have the urges like i do now. So if i stop binging and purging i won't really have a reason to cut right? And hopefully i will be like 10 pounds lighter haha! So for the rest of this month i want to loose 10 pounds. Yes it is a lot, but i feel if i set myself a goal i will fight hard to get it! I will get it! So first of october i will be posting a much thinner bekah!
Bekah
xxx

The sweet little girl, isn't so sweet after all.

Dude, today fucking sucked.

I binged and puged non-stop for about 3 hours. It was horrific. I was sitting on the bathroom floor stuffing my face then purging straight afterward. Like what the fuck is wrong with me. Okay so i am going to list absolutly everything i b/p on today: 2 large bowls of cereal, 6 chocolate bars, pasta with prawns, strawberry milkshake, ice cream, peanuts, pineapple cake and caramel shortbread. It always sounds worse when you write it down. God, i am so disgusting. Now my knuckles are all fucked up and so are my eyes, i have burst blood vessels, yay. My throat and stomach also hurt like hell. So when my parents came in from there long day at work and they asked, "How are you? You have a nice day" I said, "I'm fine, yeah i did was lazy but i had fun" PAHAHAHA. I honestly think i am the worlds greatest liar. What i should of said is, "No, i'm not fine. I am a fucking fat whale, i ate the whole kitchen then puked it up again. Oh yeah i also cut my upper arm today deeper thanever before and it never stopped bleeding for like an hour, wanna see?"

My mum is always so proud of me for some reason. Like she thinks i am a sweet little girl. The good daughter. Just because i'm not out drinking voldka and smoking cigaretts, like my sister does not mean that i am good. I am a batch of the new breed of rebel, that starves, purges and self harms. I really wish they could see the demon inside me. My sister is the only one that knows about my eating disorder. She is the only one i can trust. Well apparently she can trust me too because she said to me just after i got my diagnose, "Please just eat, please gain weight so you i dont have to tell mum about this, it will kill her, promise me you will eat" Wow so she is fooled. And i am more than happy that she hasnt told my mum about it. Because i mean yeah my mum really has been freaking out about my eating. So to her i am in 'recovery'
So to just sum all that up. I AM THE BEST FUCKING ACTOR EVER.
But i swear my dad sees right through me. "You are are fucking psycho", "You are a lazy cow", "You shouldn't of ate so much you fat pig" I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD THAT HE IS JUST THE VOICE IN MY HEAD, OUT OF MY HEAD? Like he just makes my eating disorder worse. Blah i really hate him.
OMG ANOTHER PIECE OF MY FABULOUS ACTING.
(Mother and father are having a very awkward argument about nothing important at all but a glass ends up being smashed)
Me: (walks in with a smile on my face) So whats for dinner, i am so hungry!
LOLOLOLOLOL. I fool them so well.

God i am so fucked up.
Bekah
xxx

The girl with many issues.

I am so sorry for not posting as often. The truth is i am so depressed. I dont want to open my eyes in the morning. I weigh so much i just want to puke every where. I cannot look at myself with out bursting into tears. Okay i am 53kg. FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE. I am just in this horrible rut of: starving, binging, purging, exercising and cutting. I can't even do those things right. I have been self-harming so much latly i am so sorry. I just deserve it. I am so sick of it all.

I am sick of having non-existent bones. I feel/ look for them every day and its just the same. Covered in layers of fat. I just want to be 40kg. SO FUCKING MUCH YOU JUST HAVE NO IDEA.

I am sick of covering my scars. A part of me just wants to tell everyone. But i know that they will all judge me even if it is not to my face. I will just be known as the 'fat anorexic girl, who starved and cut herself and attempted sucidie even though nothing was wrong with her life'.

Thats the thing, nothing has ever happened to me that makes me so depressed. I have never been raped or bullied. My parents haven't divorsed, I have a caring family. But I just can't seem to see that. I just see that my dad thinks i am a disapointment, my friends think im boring, therefore never invite me anywhere. I see that i am going to be alone forever. Because who wants to be wih a girl that has so many issues, FOR NO REASON AT ALL. I hate it when people say that things are going to get better because i just cannot see it. I just see he black hole of depression that is sucking everything in and i cant do anything to stop it. I am just letting it happen, and i dont care.

The only thing i look forward to now is cutting my skin at night, that is how bad things are.

I am sorry if i dont update often, but i am trying to let you all know that i am still alive, barely.

Bekah
xxx

Hello.
Okay I am off school today. I feel like there is an alien inside of my stomach. Argh. So I was going to fast but I binged instead. Fuck. No self control. I guess there is always tomorrow. But at least I have some laxatives.

Short update sorry. Will post later with some more info on how shit I feel.
Bekah
Xxx

Okay I just went to the doctors. I am 54 kilos. FUCK MY LIFE. So I've gained like 4 kilos over the weekend on my fucking binge. Hdianwksmdi. Oh yeah I'm also constipated which will probably add to the fatness. I just keep saying 'I've gained muscle' nope that's not true I'm just one big fatty. Now I have to eat dinner which I really do now want to. I want to fast until I faint. I do want food or anything in my body. Kill me now.

Hey everyone!!

So i had a good time last night. Maybe one too many times on the walsters though! Blah but then when i got in i had a super snack attack, which then continuted this morning. Yes i am a bloated fucking ugly obese whale. I am so ashamed of what i ate.

So today i went to my grandparents house, but before hand i binged and my dad had seen all the wrappers and whatever lying around and he said. "You had a feast this morning!" keep in mind he was saying this in front of everyone. He then continued "but mind sometimes you can be right fussy" then my oma decided to butt in and say "she is just making sure she doesn't gain weight" then my grandad "yeah you really have to cut chocolate and sweets out of your diet if you want to loose weight" OMFG, like seriously they may as well of said "YOU ARE TOO FUCKING FAT GO STARVE" I mean like why was they saying this. God yes i was a bit bloated this morning...omg stop kidding my self i am TOO FUCKING FAT AND NEED TO STARVE. Blah so as of tomorrow, NO BAD FOOD. Like i mean it, i hate to know that my parania of people starring at my fat and thinking"omg she could loose a few pounds" is true. Well of course it is true, what a stupid bicth. Omg on monday i will have to stand in front of the whole class with this fatness, they will be whispering about me, how ugly and fat i am. I really want to fast tomorrow. Gah that won't happen. Calorie limit for tomorrow, 300. Maybe even less than that, 200? Yes, i will eat around 200 then burn it all off. Hopefully i won't be as fat as i am now. God yes i will, i really am a stupid cow.

So I am going out tonight. Yes I am talking my fat ass out for the world to see. I am going to the shows with a couple of friends which I like a fair? It's a back to school thing. So I am nervous. I am nervous that everyone will be starring at me because I'm so fat or judging me in some way. Yes I am a very paranoid person. One thing I am nervous about is food. I refuse to eat anything they offer/force me to eat. My intake is so good for today (190) do I want to keep it that way.

So school today was okay. Well actually I was happy! I GOT A B IN MATHS. Wow that is the best mark I have ever got in Maths. I was 2 marks off an A. Wow, wow. So I got moved up a class!! Yay!

On the subject of school, my teacher was talking today "you really do not need to worry because you will be able to resit, so don't go slitting your wrists" (everyone laughs) at this moment in time I wanted to get up an leave the class. I hate jokes about self harm. I felt so awkward because I didn't know what to do with my wrists (I had no bracelets on) so I got all paranoid thinking people would see. They didn't. But what if that teacher seen my wrists and just remembered that joke. He would feel like shit. Yes I do cut myself because of reasons like failing in class because I then blame myself for being an overall failure. Argh it just annoyed me how people laughed. How could you laugh about someone cutting them selves. God how dense are some people.

Anyways I have shit loads of homework this weekend. I have a presentation to do on Monday. I think that Is one of my worst hated things, standing in front of the whole class and talking. I always stubble on my words and look like a fool. So my weekend is filled with homework, I don't even know why I'm complaining, what else would I be doing.

A picture of what I'm wearing tonight.
Blah looking so fucking gross.

Bekah
Xxx

RANT ABOUT VIEWS ON ANOREXIA

My first day back at school today. Blah. I felt like everyone was staring at my fat....like i was a beached whale. I cannot explain how out of place i felt.
Of course i hadnt seen everyone in ages, so everyone was like "what you been up to, havent seen you since the start of summer" so i was just like "um nothing much" really what i wanted to say was "Oh yeah i attempted suicide, started cutting myself again, even though you didnt know about it the last time. I also fasted for about 2 days every week but i am still a fat whale and my scales broke. Oh did i mention that i had an eating disorder?"

God my life is just so annoying. I am totally not trusting my scales. You know the picture i posted a couple of day ago of my legs. Well in the first picture i apprantly weighed less but i weigh more now and look skinnier? And i havent been working out so, its not muscle. Maybe its just true. That i am a fat whale and never will be anything more.

So today, i heard a part of a conversation "OMG, he is so fucking skinny, he must be anorexic" I was so shocked i wanted to say something but no i didn't. So now i am just going to rant to you guys. I FUCKING WISH PEOPLE WOULD GROW A FUCKING BRAIN AND REALISE THAT EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT JUST ABOUT BEING SKINNY. BEING SKINNY IS A SYMPTOM, SO IS NOT EATING. BUT THE TRUE SOURCE OF THE DISEASE IS IN YOUR HEAD. IT IS A MENTAL DISEASE. ITS ABOUT HATING YOUR SELF SO MUCH THAT YOU STARVE TO BE BEAUTIFUL. WE STARVE TO COPE BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW. THE ONLY WAY I FEEL BEAUTIFUL IS IF I AM STARVING, EVEN THEN I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT. SO ANYBODY THAT THINKS THAT EATING DISORDERS ARE JUST ABOUT BEING SKINNY JUST GO AND COLLECT YOUR FUCKING BRAIN FROM ITS JAR. YES WE DO STARVE TO BE SKINNY AT FIRST, BUT BECAUSE WE HATE ARE SELVES.
So yes some people on instagram have been asking me "how do you not eat? Isn't it not hard" GOD, it is hard TO EAT. Also another popular question is "How did you get so skinny" 1) I AM NOT FUCKING SKINNY 2) I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. Another FAQ? "Please tel me how to be anorexic" "Tell me how to loose so much weight so fast" FUCK NO. I WILL NOT TEACH ANYBODY HOW TO FUCKING COMMIT SUICIDE, WHICH THIS IS. I WILL NOT TEACH ANYBODY TO GET A MENTAL DISORDER. I AM NOT PRO-ANA. I DO NOT PROMOTE THIS DISEASE IN ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT IS SICK. YOU WOULDNT GO AROUND SAYING "OMG TEACH ME HOW TO CATCH CANCER"
Just to clear things up, i am VENTING. I am not saying to anybody "you have to fast and eat under 500 calories a day and then burn it all off" thats just be saying what i do, how i live. And if you really wanted my disorder, fucking take it, im sick of feeling like this.

Bekah
xxx

Okay so I binged again. Blah, what a failure. So yes I cut my thigh and arm to pieces because I couldn't purge (parents are in) Gah.

Oh yeah I have school tomorrow. Shoot me now. God I am so fucking nervous I have no idea why. I have had 2 anxiety attacks tonight and I'm sorry I haven't been to the doctors about it yet, I just hate the doctors so fucking much.

So I really want to fast tomorrow but my fucking mother makes me have breakfast, which I might try wiggle myself out of.

Sleep, is impossible right now. I have to get up at 7:15 and it 12am. I'm not even tired. I have so much on my mind it's like 'brain shut up'

Sorry for my very rushed post. I really need to get around to reading all blogs sorry! So tomorrow I will post my first ever YouTube video so go subscribe to: thehauntedwithin
Okay bai!!!
Bekah
Xxx

Hey guys!

So my 24 hour fast turned into a 23 and half and hour fast since my mother made me eat before 7! Typical. We had salmon though, which is a good fat burning food and salad. Which is 190 calories. Is it sick that I think that my intake to too high? Meh.

So tomorrow is my last day of my summer! I'm so sad. I am a little nervous to get back to school because of exams. I am also nervous to see my friends, I haven't seen them in so long because well I pushed them all away. I am also terrified if they see my cuts. I havent cut on my wrist and at all since Saturday! Yay! So hopefully they won't be as noticeable.

So I am getting a laptop tomorrow! Yay! So I might actually be able to post something on my new YouTube account which you might want to subscribe to? My username is: thehauntedwithin. I also have a twitter: @nolifewithana which you can follow. And my instagram which I am never off which is: @_am_i_perfect_yet_

Bekah
Xxx

So yeah I haven't been on in ages sorry! I need to catch up on all my blogs and stuff haha! So since I haven't been on for a while I'm not gunna waffle on about that past.

So today. I binged, failure. So I exercised my butt off. Then I started feeling like I was gunna throw up and went all shaky. Then I fainted. That sucked. I still feel very blah not good! But at least I burned some cals right? Despite all this I am fasting tomorrow. Well I started at 7pm and I'm ending at 7pm tomorrow. So wish me luck.

Okay parents. My dad is an asshole. "well you shouldn't of ate so much you pig" she said while I was complaining that I was full. "you lazy cow" he said while I was saying that I hadn't been for a run today. Seriously what is his problem? Who pissed in his cereal? What did I do? I mean he just touched in 2 very sensitive subjects. About my weight and how much I exercise. So yeah he sort of motivated me to burn all the calories and then he said after I fainted "I think you need to stop exercising so much" Gah shoot me please. Can't do anything right.

Okay friends. I never look on Facebook anymore. So I decided to see what was going on. I come across a new photo album of all my best friends hanging out without me. You have no idea how shit that made me feel. Like I'm just forgettable, not fun and a pain in the arse. One more thing knocked of 'things I like about me' list, my personality is obviously shit. But them, she had the nerve to next me asking if I had done my homework. Argh.

I am going back to school on Thursday. I really don't want to go. Gah.

Random fat comparison picture of me.
Bekah
Xxx

Gah sorry I haven't posted in ages. I've been in Scotland. Just got back yesterday. Blah I don't even know what to say. I feel fat and gross. Can't sleep, can't think. Got school in thursday, lame. Sort of just want to cry for no reason at all. Sorry I just don't have much to say just though I'd remind you I'm still here!
Bekah
Xxx

Rant

Argh I fuming hate the mother right now. I hate her because I was having salad for dinner and she asked if I wanted a roll, I said no. She asked me again but basically demanded that I had it. She then asked if I wanted butter, I said no. Well guess what she put fucking butter on it. She said 'I forgot haha,' I was so annoyed and I then I heard her saying to my dad 'I knew she would notice' Erm what the fuck. Then my dad said 'it's only fucking butter get over it' omg it is more than butter, I am on the verge of tears because of butter. Argh.

Well I had a horrible night last night. I finally got to sleep at 6:30am. Yay! I fucking hate my life right now. I want to cut, I'm going to cut. I don't fucking care anymore. Fuck recovery.

Maybe a picture or my disgusting legs? Don't judge.

Bekah
Xxx

I havent been on for a while sorry! But this 2468 diet is going very well! I am 184 calories today! So happy i was so strong. I feel so empty and skinny right now!
Maybe i might even see 116 by the end of the week!
But i am going on hoilday with the family next week. So that just means FOOD FOOD FOOD. Fuck my life. Afterwards im gunna fast. But this holidy is like a hike up a mountain holiday so i will be burning a few cals.
Can you acctually believe i am concidering taking my razors with me, so pathetic.
Sorry i dont have much to say, well i havent really been doing anything really. Oh yeah the docotors, i didn't go. I told my mum i was feeling better that i didn't need to go. I guess i freaked out.

Bekah
xxx

Yesterday I had a falling out with my dad. Like I got so pissed of with home for no reason! So today he decided to make it up to me and he took me to Edinburg!! I had such a lovely time! I got some new CDs and a movie 'girl interrupted' ive heard it's about depression so it might help me realise I'm not the only one...
But that isn't the best part! I went to see the dark night rises! Omg it was fucking awesome! Yes I have this weird obsession over batman, but who cares! I love being a geek, it's way more fun! So we went in at 1:10 and came out at 4:20 so it was pretty long haha. I had a numb bum, ouch!

So today went well! Cal intake 616, so I succeeded my limit for the 2468 diet, remember I am doing it backwards just because I am that crazy! Really that is a good intake for a day out with a parent! Woop! So tomorrow limit 600 cals. Mother is off work but I am sure I will be strong!

Gunna get into my Jamie's now and listen to my new CDs!!

Bekah
Xxx

Well the binge hasn't stopped. I can feel the extra fat on me, layers and layers of it. Even my neck is fat, no joke. But I binged this morning and I purged (sorry) and now I feel more in control, maybe that is because I purged. Anyways, I do feel a lot more positive.

Yesterday, though was a disaster. I cried in front of my sister, I told her about how I feel lonely all the time, she said she is there for me and stuff. I almost told her about me cutting myself, but I couldn't. I couldn't face the disappointment. Also yesterday, I fainted. I have no idea why, because I have been binging. So that got everyone worried. Also my stomach has been a pain, I'm not sure if it's because of purging but I'm going I the doctors on Monday. I really do not want to go to the doctors, what of they say I don't eat enough and then my mother is on my back like a hawk. Or what if my blood pressure is low, or they see my scars and send me to a loony bin. So now I am so fucking anxious. Why!
Maybe I will get some pills for my anxiety.

In weight loss news, I think I am going to start the 2,4,6,8 diet. Maybe that will go better than ABC!

Bekah
Xxx

I'm sorry

Well last night was rough. I took a lot of pills, I was so depressed last night I felt alone like nobody cared. I've been eating lots as well and maybe I did it so I would have to wake up and look at my ugly self in the mirror. Don't worry, I vomited them up. So I am okay but I felt so weird once I'd taken them, I took 8 if you were wondering. I haven't told my family. I don't want them to know because they will probably send me to the loony bin because I am suicidal and I self harm. Seriously why did I have to be such a fuck-up.

Guys i'm fat as ever. I feel so gross, ew ew ew! I cant even look at my self anymore I cannot bare it!
Yesterday went fabulous, I was minus calories. Today however, I was not so strong. And the mother is off tomorrow so I am gunna have to eat. Shit. Hy do I do this, why am I do weak.
Talking of weak, I cut. I cut fat whore in to my leg. Well it's true I might as well me branded with it.

Anyways, I haven't seen my sister since my brothers birthday. I'm not sure of she has told anyone I hope not! I just have to watch out what I'm saying around her now.

I have been so anxious about school. Like wtf it's 3 weeks until we go back. All I do is sit around and say I'm gunna fail all my exams. I'm getting so frustrated because I cannot concentrate on anything. That's why I binged today, so I could concentrate on my work. It just made things a lot worse. All I could think about was the calories seeping into system, the fat bubbling on my body. I though about purging but I didn't, I sort of wished I had now. I feel so bloated. What I'm gunna have to do is just be strong tomorrow, test how strong I am. If I give myself a challenge I should rise to it and kick it in the ass. So challenge tomorrow; eat little breakfast, skip lunch and say no any fatty foods. So maybe a lot of challenges? Oh well I will beat then! Tomorrow I will be strong!
Bekah.
Xxxx

Weekend madness

I have had a really weird weekend. I went to my sisters in Friday, we were sunbathing in the garden and she asked to look at my phone to search for a recipe. Well I had forgotten that the previous night I was search for 'effects of anorexia' just out of interest. When she seen it she was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. I just said I was just anxious about everything. Then she started saying stuff about how my body is perfect and that I shouldn't worry. Then she was making dinner and she was joking around and she said 'what are you so upset over' I said nothing. Then being her jokey sells she said 'are you scared of cheese? Are you scared of bread?' I laughed but little did she know that i am scare, I am scared of calories. She also stared saying that she would miss me so much if I wasn't here and that I'm here best friend for life. I wanted to burst into tears. I know she is concerned. I think I'm gunna go tithe doctors about my anxiety, it is just getting worse.
So Saturday, mother was off and we met my sister about lunch. We were in town shopping around. I hate these sort of days because they always contain food and lots and lots of it. So I binged and I wanted to purge but I can't when there's lots of people about so I just gained weight instead. Oh yeah it was my brothers birthday party that night. I wore my playsuit. OMFG I looked like a beached whale. I felt like shit no matter how much my sister told me I look pretty. So I got wasted. I was so drunk by 9pm. The playsuit was also bad in other areas since it is so hard to pee in when drunk. So I had to take the whole thing off then I couldn't get it back on again, it was such a disaster! But then in my drunken state, I was shouting 'i don't give a shit if i gain weight' while eating Doritos and peanuts simultaneously. So this morning I am hungover and I feel like a whale after shoving two slices of French toast down my throat.
Today is my brothers actual birthday so here comes the cake, that I might be able to purge if I run the bath water.
Tomorrow will be good and I am gunna fast until 6pm, and hopefully shed these extra pounds. I havent weighed myself because I think I might take a hammer to the scales.

Goal to loose 5 pounds this week. Wish me luck! listen to the song skin and bones by marinas trench. Omg, it relates so much to my life!

Bekah
Xxx

Binge, Purge and weight loss?

I was weak and gave into tempation yesterday, then i purged most of it up. Then i exercised for the rest of the day. I honestly felt like shit. Even though i had this downfall, i am still going to carry on with ABC! Despite my binge yesterday, i lost weight! Weird huh? I am now 118lbs. Still sucky weight but its coming off! But i honestly think that my scales are broken, because i was looking through pictures of me at 114lbs and now and i honeslt look slimmer now! Its so weird! As long as i'm getting skinnier i am happy!

It's my brothers birthday on saturday! So he is having a little family party at his house. I should really be looking forward to this but i'm just getting some more panic attacks. I am worried about the food, there is going to be cake there and i will be forced to eat it. This means it will break my ABC again and i will gain like 50lbs. Another worry is wtf am i going to wear? I have this really nice playsuit, but its quie short and tight and i feel like a whale in it, but it goes with this cardigan, which i will have to wear to cover my scars on my arm. But the other option is this really nice black and white dress, its not too short and its a bit big on me, so i will feel more comforatable. But it doesn't really go with a cardiagan it goes with a demin jacket, which i would have to take off! Ugh, maybe i shouldn't go at all and stay at home and cry over my fattness like i normally do.

I feel like such a loner. I haven't seen any of my friends in 2 weeks. I just feel to embarrassed to go out in public because i am just way too fat. I also don't want them to see my scars either...
Well i'm not the only one to blame, none of them have asked me out.

Some good news? I am clean 4 days! I am so proud of myself! Yesterday would of been one of the days were i would of hacked my legs and arms up but nope nothing! I just execised lots, now i can barely stand because all my muscles hurt so much!

Oh i got this app, igoalinformer, which tells you like how many calories you have to eat to get to your goal my a certain date. Well i typed in my stats and i thought lets put in 85lbs by december. It is totally possible! I can't believe it! So i could be at my UGW, by december. And you would never guess how many calories i would have to eat? 1657 calories everyday! Wow, that is so many. So since i eat less than that, i could be at 85 sooner! It is just ridulous isn't it! It's sort of scary though, that if i stay good i can be at my UGW! Well i guess, i've lost 5lbs in 4 days!

So UGW by december? Lets try my fucking hardest!!

Bekah
xxx

ABC start pictures!

Okay, they suck and I want to cry when I look at them ): there gunna come up huge as well since im posting off my phone, so don't go blind! The first 2 pics are at 123lbs yesterday. The 3rd one is from today at 121 and I was sucking in a little! Sorry for the bit of boob!

You know my instagram? Well I got some super haters today. And some said to me 'you have lower belly pudge' seriously wtf! Is it her business what I look like. Well no matter what that is now added to my list of insecurities!

Bekah
Xxx

Heyy!!

I am so unbelievably happy today! I have lost 2lbs already!!! Okay so i guess this is the time when i post my beiginning weight? 123lbs. *CRY* i never ever ever ever want to be that ever agian! But 2lbs lighter isn't bad after one day of ABC! So i am now 121. I'm just gunna have to wait and see what my weigt will be tomorrow, i am not predicting anymore, i always just get pissed off when i dont reach my goal.

Well i got my period yesterday. LAME. So do you gain a few pounds when it's the time of the month? Just trying to tell myself that i wasn't reall 123lbs.

Okay i watched this programe last night it was called, Eat, Fast and live longer! It was amazing. It basicly told the whole nation that to calorie restrict and fast is good for you! Apparently if you fast for 4 days every month, it will decrease your risk of cancers and disease! Awesome right? So now when everyone is complaining saying that fasting is bad, we all now have proof that it is actually good for us! Its the same with calorie restriction. They said as long as your diet is full of nuitrents it is okay to calorie restrict. WOW. So who ever says this is bad now, i'm gunna point them to this programe!

No panic attacks yesterday! It has to do with food my anxiety, because yesterday i ate like 300 cals and i felt fine. The amount of food i eat is also linked to how happy i am. Weird huh?

Anyways, i am gunna post my start pictures later on tonight and i am going to upload progress pics every week! Lets hope i see some difference!

Bekah
xxx

398 calories today!!! I can't believe how well today has gone! I feel amazing! I feel so strong and tomorrow will be even better since I'm not with my mother!

I can feel hunger again and it feels great! I am in control now (: I just hope to see some results soon!!

Bekah
Xxx

Today was how I expected, filled with food and anxiety! But I made it through. I just thought I will have all my last treats before I start my diet, so then I wont have as bad cravings during the first week!

I was sitting at my sisters house today almost crying before she brought out dinner! I was hyperventilating and freaking out, which sucks. After dinner I wanted to purge so much! I felt so fat. I honestly wanted to go home and crawl in to a hole and never come out until I am perfect. But that is so never gunna happen so I sat their thinking about ABC, and how fucking skinny I'm gunna get (:

I am really looking forward to tomorrow! I feel really strong and I know I can do this! But, my mother is off work tomorrow! That sucks balls. So I am gunna have to eat through the day, which I didn't want at all. So I am planning on having grapes for breakfast and carrots for lunch and lentil soup for dinner! She doesn't really eat lunch anyways, so she cant complain to me! I honestly don't think she is worried about my weight anymore or the way I eat! Probably because I have been eating like a pig and have gained so much weight! So I am taking that to advantage, so now that she isn't worried I have her were I want her! She 'thinks' I eat lunch when I don't, so now I can go one step further and skip dinner. I plan on doing this by saying I am going to someone else's house for dinner, even if I am not, so I will just go for a walk or something instead! Even if I am at someone elses house(unlikely, I'm a total loner) I will just say that mother has already made my dinner! I think I will do that on my fasting days of ABC!

Anyways, last night was so bad for cutting. I wrote 'am I perfect' on my arm and lots more on my legs! But then I decided that enough was enough! I my razors are now down the drains! To be honest I miss them, I really could of done with them tonight....

Maybe more positive?
LETS GET SKINNY BITCHES!!!! <3
Bekah
Xxx

My anxiety is getting worse. After everything i eat i have a mini panic attack then to 10 crunches. This makes me feel like SHIT!

Familyness this week end. This means, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD! And lots of it. I want to cry!

I am starting ABC (again) as of monday! But i have some ana buddies to help me out on instagram! Going to stay strong this time.

I also got this new app for tonning abs and thighs ect. I hope it will show some results if i do it everyday!

Sorry for the short update. I feel really out of it. Really...depressed. I haven't left the house in 3 days. Thats all because i feel so fat. Oh yeah i stepped on the scales, i gained 7lbs. I am now 121. FUCKING FAILURE.

Bekah
xxx

Yesterday sucked. I binged purged and cut. Failure. But today is a new day and I am not going give up! I am doing a six hour fast today! So I am just having dinner with the family! Things are going well so far and t 11:24! I have been on my bike for 40 mins and I felt really good (:

So my goals have altered! I want to be 108lbs by the end of this month! Which is possible! So then after I reach that I want to be 100 by December! Or maybe 95? But things sound much easier than they really are!

I need to be strong when I am weak! No chocolate, no fizzy drinks, from now on for a whole month! Starting my 21days from now! I will be strong.
Bekah
Xxx

Today I was over 1000 cals. My sister wanted to make chocolate fudge cake. Worst thing ever I wanted to burst into tears. But, we did get an exercise bike so burning 200 cals on that and with walking and sit ups my net came to 500 something. It said I would bee 103lbs in 5 weeks. That's not good enough. I don't feel empty anymore!

Tomorrow I am seeing my sister again! I'm sick of her giving me food! So the plan is, stay strong until I get to hers, no breakfast, no lunch. Then just have dinner which is some pasta thing. So before I go, I will do an hour on the bike which would be 400 cals, I'll then do sit ups and I'll walk to hers. So hopefully I will be in minus cals!!

Mother has been annoying me again! She has gained a new irritating feature! When we sit down for dinner she gives me this a huge grin, like it's going to rip her face in half! I never smile back I just give her 'wtf are you doing, where only eating dinner' look. Then,When I start eating, cutting everything up in to small pieces, taking sips after almost every bite, she stares at me. I mean not in like an unnoticeable way! Her face may as well be in my plate the way she looks at it! Then she will ask,'did you enjoy that' well what I want to say is 'no you just made me eat 500 odd calories and fucked up my whole diet now I'm gunna gain and it's all your fault, leave me alone!' in stead I said 'it was lovely' immediately leaving the table to my bedroom to exercise! What a fake person I am.

I am 2 days clean from cutting. I need to stay strong and pray of 114lbs on Friday!

Bekah
Xxx

Hello!

I'm starting ABC today! But I am spending the whole day with the mother! So in gunna have to do some heavy exercise! I am already -234 with breakfast burned off! So If I have only fruit and veg for dinner and lung then exercise I reckon I can stay in minus cals!

My bowel issue is getting better, yay! I also took the test and I'm not pregnant! Thank god! So now I'm just like where the fuck is my period? Well if i go 2 months without it, I'll start being concerned but it can be irregular sometimes right?

I made my red bracelet! I was so chuffed with it! But then it had to go and break! Piece of shit jewellery maker I am ha. I'll post a picture anyways! I feel so positive today, I don't know why! I just have this mind set that I will not give up this time, no matter how hard it gets. I want this. I want perfection.

Bekah
Xxxx

FML

Well my one day binge didn't happen, it turned into a super weekend long binge. Including disgusting take- aways. I feel like the greese if dripping off me. The calories are infecting me and making me fat. I cry and cry loads about this. You know what, is this going to make a differecne? Crying like a failure. I was even considering moving my goal date back a bit. FUCK NO. I will just have to work extra hard. I want to see 114lbs on friday. I recon i am 120, but i am not getting on the scales because that will just trigger me to cut. So is it possible to lose 6lbs, in 4 days? Well i hope so, because i am going full steam ahead.

You know what, i have binged so much recently, that i am not even hungry. I don't even want food. So hopefully this will stay until the end of summer.

Right all of this shitty food has defo not been good for me. I have had some bowl problems, gross i know! But seriously it fucking sucks. I am sercretly and weirdly hopeing that i loose these extra pounds from it.

I am also two weeks late.

Bekah
xxx

Day started off, good. Worked out in the morning, was -344 cals. Then I got to my sisters, no mention of lunch. Then we made dinner, so healthy and low cal that I was jumping or joy. Then I had a ridiculous smile when she said 'we have no treats in sorry!'

Horror struck. 'do you want to go to the shop?' Fuck no I don't are you fuckjng insane! I replied 'yeah sure'

Worst mistake ever. This lead to the biggest binge in mg entire life. I hate myself so much. I can't even cut because I'm at here house and I can't purge either.

I need to stay strong this next week. Restrict, restrict, restrict! I want to be minus cals all week. I do not want to be infected with calories any longer. I feel so greesy and full. I also feel plumb and wobbly. Well I feel like shit, I guess things are normal then.
Bekah
Xxx

Well I do feel like crap today. I'm -70 cals but I just feel like I could of done better. My legs look huge. Im not even kidding. I think all the fat from my recent binges has gone straight to my thunder thighs.

I haven't felt empty in ages and even though I have been good, I just fell grossly full an bloated. I just want to be perfect. I know for sure that I won't be 114lbs tomorrow. So I will just h e to wait another week and hopefully see 114 or 112.

Sisters house tomorrow. She is still a bit Ill so maybe se won't be feeling food so much! Therefore she won't stuff me full until explosion. Other than her making me eat, I am looking forward to staying there! I do love spending time with my sister. We're gunna paint nails and make bracelets! I think I might make a red one!

Being feeling so numb today. Like I'm in a bubble filled of my thoughts about calories and self harm. I don't like I've actually spoken to anyone today. I don't even think I could speak, am I still alive? I surly don't feel it. Even after cutting. I'm sorry, I really am rubbish at recovering.

I'm a mess, I need to wake up.

Bekah
Xxx

WHAT? Are those minus calories?

-305 calories today! So happy! I feel empty and beautiful!

I went shopping today and i bought a pair of UK8 trousers! They are a little tight, so my mission is for them to fit me perfectly with a little room!

I am soooooo happy today! I feel so good that i restricted and didn't binge! First time in about 2 weeks!

I have now found a new way to take my mind of eating more food. Because sometimes when you eat a bad food you think ,'what can i have next?' NO that is no more. I now count how many bites i take of the food. My dad shoved a licorice allsort in my face, it is only one so i am praying it didn't have many calories. So i used my new technique and i took 16 bites! How ridiculous is that! I mean licorice allsorts aren't exactly big! So that made me wonder how many bites do i take when i eat like bread! Hope to god that this will work!

Well today being nice and strong i declined ice cream and strawberries, horray! But the annoying mother got right up my nose! What annoys me more than her even asking if i want any is when she says. 'You sure?' (Imagine a really high pitched annoying motherly concerned tone) YES I AM SURE! Why would i of said no in the first place if i wasn't sure!

My dad also pissed me off today. The first time i was tired in about a month today, so i fell asleep on the sofa. BAD MISTAKE! My dad stormed in and started yelling at me because i hadn't hoovered! What the actucal fuck! I was so annoyed, he didn't even apologise that he had woken me up! What annoys me more is that he goes off his head is anybody wakes him up and he was bascily making out to not be a big deal. Argh, asshole.

To make things worse, i have had a massive break out of spots because of all the crap i've been eating! Great!

Meh, what happened to my good mood?

Sorry about the rant.

I hope for a successful week and to see 114lbs on friday!

Bekah

xxx

Yeah i failed. EPICLY. My friend sucks. She forced me to have dinner and many other foods. But really i screwed up as soon as i woke up. I have cake for breakfast. Then i cut, deeper than ever before. I also cut on my wrist for the first time....why am i such a fuck up? So i ate, and ate and ate today.  But i did exerice, my net is 433. But my intake is 1215. Meh, i suck.

So my cuts hurt, they wouln't stop bleeding. I am so disapoined in my self. The same with the binging.

Maybe i should stop saying that tomorrow i will be better, becuase am i ever really? I am with the mother tomorrow so that makes things difficult, to restrict but i think i will go to the gym for an hour! Burn some of my digusting fat off!

Limit tomorrow? 500 i think. That seems so much, feel like i fail if i eat 500, maybe 300? That sounds so much better. I had 300 calories today. You know what also sounds a lot better. I weigh 95lbs. I need to implant my UGW in my head when i want to binge. Think about all the things i hate about my self. stupid/ugly/fat/wobbly/lumpy/giant/idiot/pathetic/worthless/depressed.

I cry in my pillow tonight, for a better tomorrow.

Bekah
xxx

Well today didn't go well. I have been saying that so much lately that i am just sick of being disappointed with myself. I ate...like a normal person today. I didn't stick to my plan because it is almost impossible with the mother hanging over my shoulder. She made me binge, she dangled a piece of chocolate in my face, so i gobbled the whole bar up. Along with cake and peanuts. AGAIN, my 21 days starts tomorrow.

I am meeting my friend tomorrow, were gunna go shopping then go back to her house for a bit. I am going to be strong tomorrow. 'No thanks, i'm nit hungry', 'My mum is making a big dinner', 'I had a massive breakfast/lunch' I am really concidering on fasting tomorrow. It is doable if i use all the right lies in the right places! Strength is all i need.

Okay so tomorrow i want to buy some laxitives for those binge days that i have so often. But i am going to be with my friend! So would this exuce work,'My mum asked me to get them,.....(mini rant about how weird it is buying laxitives and why she couldn't of got them her self)....' Plus is their an age limit on buying laxitives?

My stomach is seriously grossing me out so much right at this moment. I cannot feel my hipbones, where are those gorgeous things!

Bekah
xxx

Goddamn those effing peanuts! I honestly cannot resist them! I really need someone to put me off them in some way! Gain control bekah!

Well since the slip up with the peanuts my net is 363, quite lame. My actual intake though is just hideous, 822! PUKE! So weak. Well since right now is almost impossible to restrict to a good level, i am calling this my, 'metabolism booting stage'. So i will be burning calories up without even doing anything! So myfitnesspal told me today that if every day was like today in five weeks time i would weigh, 100.9lbs. Really that is were i want to be, but i feel like i have ate for britian today! Well if i eat less, i'll weigh less.

I am still not getting on the scales until next friday becuase i know i will just hate myself. Hopefully it will be a gorgeous 114lbs! Or even 112, but that might be asking for too much!

I have to be strong tomorrow. My sisters birthday, more cake, FUCK! Really hate these bloddy birthdays! And to make things worse, i am spending the whole day with the mother.....fabulous. So that means, breakfats, lunch and dinner. Oh and cake. So i am planning on having banana for breakfast, lettuce and cucumber for lunch. Dinner, eat less as possibly can! Then have the smallest piece of cake ever!

I will have to do the 100 calorie workout like 5 times tomorrow night! Don't want to go over 800! URG i feel disgusting saying,'stay below 800' 800 is a huge amout of food, gross.

My new ulter-ego is Lia, from wintergirls! Now in the face of temptation i am just going to think,' what would lia do?' She would turn the mutherfucking food and get super skinny.

I got this new app which is called,'igoalinformer' Which tells you how much food ect you have to eat to get to your goal on time. So i put in my stats, and what i want to be by 1st september. It said that i have to eat 588 calories everyday to get there. So does that means overall intake or net goal? If it's net goal i really think i would be able to do it! Oh i also heard that if you go 21 days and over of giving something up you will less likely want to do it again. So that means i must go 21 days without, bingeing, purging and cutting. God, wish me luck!

Bekah
xxx

My sister didn't bring any normal sponge cake, she really went to town and got a Misspissppi mud pie. Well fuck my no chocolate is screwed up! I also had a handful of peanuts... But overall my net is 187 calories. Not bad but my intake was 760, lame, at least i burned some of it off!

I am so effing jealous of my sister! She looks gorgeous, she is so skinny! But it is annoying be because she is really trying so hard to gain it back, why would you do that! I would never purposly gain weight, it is just wrong!

Six weeks holiday now! I need to stay strong! I honestly think it's easier when i am not at school or at work to restrict! Well i have two goals by the end of the summer now, to be 100lbs and to be able to run 2 miles! I am going to go to the gym so often and just work out constantly for six weeks! I never want to be the weight i am just now EVER again!

I went shopping today and bought a playsuit, it fits but i will look even better in it when i weigh less! So my goal for next friday is to be 114lbs again! I think it's do-able, hopefully.

Sisters birthday on sunday, goddamn you cake! So that will probably mess up things. If i do plenty exercise that day i will be okay. I will not eat over 800 calories!

Okay reading wintergirls, i love it so much! But she is just so strong i don't know how she does it, i know she is a fictonal character but she must be based on a actual person. How does she do it? Totally my role model even though she isn't real. I want to be so strong that i can easily turn down a bad food, espesically when i have been restricting for ages!

My new moto, only eat when necessary! That means like only around family, so they will think i eat perfectly fine! Now that i am on holiday, i won't have to have breakfast and i will be able to fast much easier. I will just go out and say that i have had food at a friends house even if i haven't! WOOP, so glad it's the holidays! Bring on 100lbs!

Bekah
xxx

IT NEVER ENDS. Seiously what is this a month long binge? I remembered that my sister is coming over tomorrow and she is bringing cake so i was like so whats the point in being good today. WHY DID I THINK THAT BECAUSE I FEEL SO SHIT NOW!

We he wasnt having no for an answer today, i got a cupcake and some chocolate. There i go again stuffing my face with every food i can see. I was even binging on food i dont even like. I am blaming this on my period. It must be coming, i'm a week late and i am craving food like a pig!

I can seriously feel the extra fat on me, i want to purge so much. I failed and gave in so i have to start all over again.

OMG. This friend of mine started talking about self harm today. It was so awkward. I was just saying you shouldn't judge people that do that because you never know whats going on in their lives. Then he said, well it must be bad if you want everyone to think your a freak. Thanks, what a great friend he is. I am never going to tell him anything. He would hate me forever.

Tomorrow is the beginning of my summer holidays. So that means i am offically on the diet of loosing 20 something pounds before the end of august? Yes it is. So i need to be strong. Going to start distracting myself. Oh yeah i broke my elastic band, i snapped it too hard.

I need to take this diet with force, no weak links. From tomorrow, NO CHOCOLATE, NO PEANUTS, NO BINGING, NO PURGING, NO CUTTING. I think it's a fair deal. Wish me luck.

Bekah

xxx

Just carved 'fat' into my leg. I am so pathetic. I want to fast tomorrow but I cant. I am throwing my lunch out before I get to work so I don't even have to temptation. New me tomorrow I swear down that everything will change. Need to get an elastic band to snap when i get hungry. I don't deserve to eat. I want to be empty again. I don't know what I weight but I recon I weigh about 120. I'm not letting him buy me anything tomorrow, I will just scream in his face. I will be strong. Net tomorrow I want to be under 200 or even minus cals. I want to feel skinny again. Can't even feel my ribs anymore )':

Bekah
Xxx

I Purged this morning, but banana is really difficult to get up after waiting 20 mins before purging. So I only got a little up. So it was pointless. I am armed with my elastic band today. I want to be empty! I feel out of my binge phase right now. I need to stay strong! I am not giving up.

Bekah
Xxx

One more cookie, One more pound

Yes he bought me a tripple chocolate cookie today. That set off a binge, so i ate my sandwich all my dinner and some cake as well. I don't even know how to put in to words right now how i feel so i am just going to list words that decribe how i feel and hopefully it will make sence: UGLY, FAT, DIGUSTING, WOBBLY, GROSS, HIDEOUS, WORTHLESS, USELESS, PATHETIC, INSANE, DEATH, ANGRY, ANNOYED, FRUSTRATED, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, NOT PERFECT, UNLOVED, oh did i mention FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I CAN CRY FOR HOURS. WHY WONT I LOOSE ANYMORE WEIGHT? WHY CAN'T EAT ANYTHING WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY? WHY DO I CUT TO FEEL REAL? WHY DON'T I FEEL REAL? WHY AM I NEVER ENOUGH?

To make myself feel even better, my sister has lost 11lbs in two weeks, when i have gained 4. FUCK MY LIFE.

I'm sorry

Bekah
xxx

Well the friend i was talking about yesterday bought me a belgian bun today. I ate it, then almost had a heart attack when i found out how many calories it had in it. 420 calories, 420 fucking calories. How disgusting. So i started to freak out and i was pacing around and i really wanted to go purge. I didn't but i did do alot of exercise when i got home. My net is 337 today. Might do more sit up to get it lower, ill see how i feel.

Well this friend is really getting on my back. He said,'i'm worried about you' today. I wanted to ask why but i just ignored him. He then kept on teasing saying that it is funny how i am full after an apple. But that isn't the case. I coulde eat the whole supermarket  NO! I need to stay strong. Eat less, be perfect, be empty, be beautiful. Yeah that is my mind all day long. Just if some people could see inside this head they would understand.

Last night i paced around with a razor in my hand for about 20 minutes. I gave in and cut. FAILURE. So i drew a butterfly on my wrist today. This is stopping. NO BINGING=NO CUTTING. Just a little deal i made with my self.

I feel so confused today. My brain has been shook around to much. I want to sleep. This post is so random i'm sorry. Hopefuly i will be more sane tomorrow.

Bekah
xxx