It gets worse before it gets better.

Hello.
Today has been a roller coaster.
I started my day off with binging and purging twice, then self harming a lot. I then searched the whole house for any medication that hasn't been hidden and I found 4 ibuprofen, not enough.
So I am currently holding on to them so I can take them with more stuff nearer the date.
Well after that my therapist shows up and we do this shitty collage thing. While today the collage she mentions hospital to me again and she says that she thinks it will really benefit me right now as I'm obviously really struggling and the date is fast approaching. She basically talked me through what inpatient is like blah, blah, blah. Also because of my medication drama I need to be monitored in case I go manic,yay.
Well after she left I binged and purged again. I purged blood but I couldn't give two shits about that right now.
Oh and tonight I had to go out to a fucking meal with my friends. Can you sense how enjoyable that was for me? Dinner was awful, I couldn't eat it and I almost cried. Then I fainted. Great.
Did I mention how the majority of the conversations we had were about self harm and suicide. No, they are not aware of my current situation. So that was awkward as fuck.
I think the worst of the whole night was that they were talking about what a fabulous night they had on Friday. A night which I wasn't invited on. I just don't get why they invited me to this shitty meal but not a great night out with alcohol on Friday.
Not to mention how much Friday sucked for me as I had a two hour Mental Health Assessment and falling out with my best friend (who is aware of my current situation and still hasn't talked to me since).
Oh but they invited me to the beach this Friday, oh lucky me. I probably won't be able to go because I have fucking therapy and may be getting admitted then so fuck.
Anyways, since I'm in such a fabulous mood all I can think about is my trip to my sisters tomorrow. That includes a 45 minutes train ride with my mother there and back, shopping, eating out and walking around in a busy city with lots of people. NO. I cannot deal with this okay, It is too fucking much. I can tell that tomorrow I'm going to struggle a lot. Since the whether has been so nice as well, everyone is going to be in shock if I wear long sleeves. Yet, imagine the shock if they seen my arms without sleeves. To be honest, I hardly have a bit of clear skin left due to all the self harm scars and fresh cuts.
I really don't know how I'm going to get through tomorrow I really don't. I just want to die right now so it doesn't have to happen.
Well, clearly I have had a brilliant day and I'm sure tomorrow will be twice as good.
From your kind but yet very,very,very suicidal friend,
Bekah
xxx

Tough days, confused minds.

Hello.
Today has been really tough. It's been very warm here in England and I've spent the majority of my day inside. That's because my whole body is covered in self harm scars. That means I'm unable to wear summer clothes. I have to say I get a lot of weird looks when I go out in jeans and a jumper. I mean it's not like I'm warm either because a lovely side effect to eating disorders is that you're cold all the time.
Well that isn't the only sucky thing about my day. I seen my therapist today. Since I'm suffering with Social Anxiety we had to go out and try and face some of my fears. We tried this last Saturday and I refused to leave the house and cried quite a lot. So today we went to a cafe. I shook the whole time and she was talking but I was for sure not listening. All I could think was 'everyone is starring at me', 'they all think I'm a psycho'. Well I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was a psycho because I am really.
Next time we go out I have to order, then the next time I have to eat out. Eating out is one of my biggest eating disorder fears. I don't even eat in front of my family so this is going to be really tough. I just need to keep thinking that I can't be like this forever. I need to fight it or I will become it.
I was supposed to be meeting my 'friends' today but they said they were going to the beach and that just set off alarm bells in my head and I said I couldn't make it. The beach, is a fear I am not ready to conquer.
Gosh, why am I making myself out to be like some sort of winner over my mental disorders. I'm not, believe me. I'm actually at my worst state. My depression is definitely at it's worse. Suicidal thoughts never leave my head. I did actually write a letter to my therapist today but I didn't give it to her. Why?
CONTEXT: Last week they found out that I was collecting pills to overdose on and they immediately told my mum that she needed to stay off work because I was a danger to myself and that they would have to visit every day, maybe even twice a day to make sure I'm okay. Then I needed another mental health assessment which was when medication was decided.
REASON: I didn't give the letter because she mentioned cutting down how much I need to be seen by them and she's letting my mum go back to work.
I WANT MY FREEDOM BACK.
I know if I give the letter, my risk at hospitalization will increase as I've been trying to kill myself by strangling myself with shoelaces, not looking when I cross the road and I've been tempted to go and buy more medication to overdose on.
I have no idea really what would happen if I gave them this letter or even informed them of the way my mental state it.
I'm not improving in any way so I'm surprised that they think I'm okay. I've self harmed everyday since, wow I can't even remember. I haven't stopped purging either. I just don't know.
I guess you could say I'm confused about many things right now. I'm not sure if I want recovery or not. I just want someone to tell me what to do because I honestly cannot decide by myself.
Stay Strong Beautifuls
Bekah
xxx

Blog make over!

Hello,
So now that I've changed my blog name/display picture they may be some confusion to who I am. I used to be 'My Secret Called Anorexia' and this is now my recovery blog.
Wow I say recovery like it's an easy thing. Recovery is always going to be a hard road and I am fighting even if it doesn't seem like that and I'm still losing weight but whatever.
I just hope that I don't lose any followers. I am here for you guys and you can ask me anything and I will be here to answer.
For a while, my posts are all going to be me updating on what's happened or I could just jump right in there to the here and now. I think I'll do that actually with a little update because well the past is the past and we don't want to focus on that, I need to focus on the future!
Well I've finished all my GCSE's, It was actually a month ago that they all ended today. Also a month ago today since I took my overdose. So a month in treatment already, wow. Anyways, I'm not just waiting for results but I'm trying not to focus on that too much.
I'm just focusing on recovery. Well, that's the only thing that I have to focus on or off to hospital I go. Ever since my last suicide attempt and my therapist finding out that I was holding a large amount of pills waiting to swallow them all at once on the 30th, I've been on 24 hour supervision basically. My therapist comes daily and it sucks. I hate it. It was only yesterday when I was left alone for 3 hours that I realized how fragile I am. I know that I can't do this on my own but at 16 years old it's really difficult to not have ANY time to your self. Sometimes, I just wished that they would put me in hospital to get away from my parents.
Well I'm starting on anti-depressants next week. The anti-depressants that I'm going to take however have risks of increasing mania (i'm bipolar type 2) and they are unsure whether I was misdiagnosed or not. So it's basically like wait and see if I go manic. So that's going to be fun. But anti-depressants can actually increase suicidal behavior. So that will also be a blast. I really don't want to take medication to be able to control my mood for the rest of my life. I'm going to be dependent on them. Well, I don't think I have a choice in the matter anyways, I never have before.
Okay, I'll stop boring everyone now.
If you want to talk or anything here are ways to contact me:
Instagram: @shehaslostcontrol OR @paleandbruised
Twitter: @sadsweethear
Tumblr: tearsofabulimic.tumblr.com
KIK: myemptysoul_

I am here for you and I will listen.
Bekah
xxx

I'm back

Hello skinnies!
I'm so sorry that I'v been away for so long. It's been a very long and complicated journey since the last time I posted.
Things have changed significantly.
4 weeks ago, I took an overdose and had to be taken to hospital. Now I'm on constant supervision and have to be seen daily by my therapist. I am so close to being sectioned (forced to go into a psychiatric hospital) as I refuse to get help.
I was also diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa. I know, how things change.
I'm in recovery now. Well, forced recovery. It's hard and I hate it. I know I should be trying harder as I don't want to go to hospital. I'm not even trying really. Not from bulimia anyways. Depression can go fuck it's self but I need my eating disorder.
I'm so sorry for not being here for you guys. I really need to catch up with blogs and get into the rhythm of blogging again because I really do miss it. I think I may delete all my old posts and do my blog a good ol' make over.
Just stay strong my lovelies and I will post more often, I promise.
Bekah
xxx

Hello my beautiful followers!
This post may be long so i just want to say my keybord is fucked and if there are letters missing ect it's not me being a dumb fuck it's the keybord okay?
So where to begin? So much has happened since the last time i posted. I told my 'boyfriend' about everything basically. No i hadn't plannd it out, it just happened. Well what happened was i got very drunk at this party and had mental breakdown. I am not even joking. I was struggling a lot that day and i binged and purged all day and i had enough. I started to cry and it never stopped for about an hour maybe even more. I told him about my purging which has become a very big part of my life. I also talked about my suicide attempt. He really does care and if you are wondering whether or not to tell somone about your problems, do it. They will be scared but they will do anything to help you get better. We have talked a lot and i have promised him to try and stop. So i guess that brings me to now. I am going to start restricting again. I have gained so much fucking weight from all the binging and purging. This weight needs to go! I have just sat for about an hour looking up meals under 200 kcal. I need to tone up and have a nice body. I can't live in this body anymore. I know stopping purging is going to be so difficult so i've said to myself that i will only purge my evening meal if it is over 200 kcal. Eventually i shouldn't feel the need to anymore. But purging has gotten so bad that i have recently got a throat infection. That scared me and i realised it is real.
I'm sorry i don't post on here often but i do go on instagram everyday and i post long captions about my life and there are pictures of me on there which shows the great state my body is in ugh. My username is: tearsofananorexic.
Okay i'm going to go now and i promise to post more so i don't have to keep doing these breif updates and go into some details!
Bekah
xxx

 
This is like the most perfect picure ever okay.
So i have really hit rock bottom. I took 38 laxatives last night and i couldn't go to school because the pains were unbareable. So today all i have done is binge and purge to find i have some lovely scarring on my knuckles, wonderful. I also stalked tumbl and read. I just feel way too fat and hideous to leave the house. Can i just stay in this room forever?
Anyways lesson from this post is, NEVER TAKE LAXATIVES OKAY? If you do, after reading this post, i will haunt you down and turn you into a vegetable.
Erm, sorry if anyone has e-mailed me because well i can't get on to my e-mail because i've forgotten the security question, yes i'm dumb stop laughing.
What else?
I'm so stressed about my choices fo after i finish school. I am thinking of taking pschology but what else fuck i have no idea! This boy i have sort of been seeing asked to move in with me next year! OMG! Like what the hell. I have no where near the amount of money to pay for a flat, along with bills and food. Well if i moved out of my parents house, i would never eat and that is the only thing that is making me concider this. My mind is so fucked. Help!
Bekah
xxx

My scars remind me that the past, is real.

Recovery. That is my road now. I need to rcove from these 'bulimic' tendancies. This means i am going to have to eat more. I need to stop eating so low, then losing control. 800-900 calories is now my limit. It seems so high and scary. One step at a time. Of course my main objective is still to lose weight. I mean my body is still repulsive, fat and wobbly as ever. I need to stop using laxatives. The amount i've been taking has been increasing and increasing. On friday night i took 30. Pain, is an under exaggeration. I need to stop purging. I just need to stop. A healthy life is right outside but there is something big blocking the door way. I need to grab that hammer and destroy what is destroying me.
Bekah
xxx

Sometimes, i don't think i have a problem. Not when i see the girls at school comparing how much their spine sticks out, i feel just normal. But then i realise that it isn't possibly normal to have anxiety attacks about eating a small amount of food. Once i've ate, i can honestly feel the calories turing in to glyceral, holding on to my muscles, my bones burying me deep into some hole of fatness. It scares me so much, my heart starts to pound, tears start to fall. Next thing i'm on the ground doing 100 sit-ups because it is the only way i know how to get the feeling to go away, or purging. I guess i could self harm but that doesn't make any difference to the fat on my body, it's just punishment. I deserve punishment for being to weak. Weakness should be my new name. I can't seem to resist that calorific chocolate, or those salty peanuts. That is it, i can't deal with the anxiety. I completly give up with food. It is not enjoyable. Today was the closed i have came to a binge in 5 days. Today i ate 714 calories, too much. Tomorrow i will be better, tomorrow i will be stronger.

No, i'm not dead..yet. I am just positively awful at blogging!

My control over food is growing and growing. I am eventually 4 days binge free and i feel i am finally seperating myself from my bulimic tendencies. I haven't weighed myself in forever because, i am painly to scared. The last time i weighed-in, i was 112 lbs! Wow. I just want to get on the scales and see 110 blinking back at me.
So my obsession over food has grown and grown, as has some fears. I cannot let myself go over in fat and carboydrate contents now. I am closly observing the contents of every food i eat. Hopefully this will make a difference in my weight-loss.
I have also been an exercing freak! I am starting to go the the gym two times a week for about an our and a half. On top of this i am going to start water aeorbics and i now doing Zumba at school. Zumba is now my favourite exercise! It is so much fun, even if i kept on getting black spots in my vison. I am also walking home from school which is about 40 minutes! I then ave my wonderful cross-trainer and staitionary bike at home oh and don't forget my squats that i do when brushing my teet, waiting for the kettle to boil! In other words i am 'over-exercising' for the amount of calories i'm eating. In my mine, the term 'over-exercising' should simply not exist.
So calories. My intake has been around 400-700, but my net has been minus calories to about 300. Yes i do feel weak and i get light headed but none of this matters. I feel in control, i feel good, i feel empty.

So what's going on in my life other that eating disorder related shit? Well i have been getting close to this boy, but it's not offical or anything yet. But i really do like him! I have none him for about three years and we have been such good friends, i think that's why we are both so reluctant to get into a relationship.
School, has been shit as always. My GCSEs are starting and i am so nervous. I have my Chemistry re-sit on Monday and wow i don't know anything, so i'm going to be buried in books this weekend!
But what happens after my GCSEs? Oh yeah collage and of cource i have no idea what i want to do, or what collage i even want to go to. I really want to take Psychology, Photography and English. Everything else is just so stressful and i keep on having break downs. I know i need to make a decision soon but this is my future in my hands and i don't want to fuck it up like i have everything else.

I am 6 days clean from self-harm. Wow. I am so pleased with myself, but this doesn't mean the urges haven't gone away or the suicidal thoughts. But i am hanging on and trying to stay strong which all you lovely people have to do to!
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New years and didn't let these fucking eating disorders get in your way!

Bekah
xxx

That's when the beginning of the end begun.

2013 IS HERE. No more complaining, lets get off our butts and lose this weight.

I had been doing so well before new year, but yesterday and today i binged. SHIT. But in a weird way i think i needed it. The self hatred after binging is a feeling i don't want anymore. I'm stopping, i'm gaining all control back.

I need to reach my first goal. But i always seem to reach 112 pounds and can't seem to get any lower and it unmotivates me. NOT THIS TIME. I will starve and exercise until i am below!

2013 is the year i will get thin. I am being serious. Fuck food.

Bekah
xxx