Blur....

I have that feeling when your like...blur. Can't be bothered sort of feeling but knowing you have so much to do? I have my german speaking tomorrow (again) so i hope i don't fail (again). I have been so stressed out that my mum mum sugested that i take these resuce remedy sweets that calm you down, they work! I feel that taking these will make me focus on what i want.

Healthy? Is that what i have been this week OR have i been a fat fucking whale and deserve to die. Average of 1200 calories this week. Yes that is awful and i feel the extra pounds already. BUT i feel like i needed this. I am stressed out! After binging so terribly all this week and not being as freash as i had hoped...I feel like i am on track again. Mother has got a new job. So she won't be finishing work until 5. That means it will be easier for me to skip dinner. I will be able to say i have already eaten, leave some plates and shit out so she will believe me. Sick isn't it? That my first thought was this and that i wan't firstly happy for her.

Anyway, i still need this. After eating (normal) for a week, i feel gross. I don't understand hoe people eat this all the time! I feel so full my stomache has been bloated almost all day! Sometimes i say to myself  'your insane you need help' But after me sort of unintenanaly being normal this week i have realised i need this disease. I need to have something to control. I need to know i can control what other people can't. So i win, i can do what only a small amount of the world can do. That doesn't mean i have won the war. I am still 118lbs, i need to be at least 108lbs in 4 weeks time. Think i can't do it? Watch me!

My sanity is long gone...

Why can't i stop eating? I am sick of being hungry all of the fucking time. As soon as i think about food i want it, right then and there. I have become slightly depressed and waking up this morning i thought 'What is the fucking point in doing this?' Then later on after i had crumpets for breakfast i thought 'OMG why did i just eat that, your fat remember?' When i'm hungry again i will think,'This isn't normal, no normal person does this, why can't i just be normal? I want to be normal, i can eat whatever the fuck i like' Then later on while eating my second piece of cake, 'FUCK, why have two pieces of cake? If i carry on like this i will be more obese that i already am, Start over again i can do this' 
  Can i do this? I feel like i'm loosing it. My water spilled in my bag today all over my german, art and science work. I didn't get annoyed and pissed off like i normally would. I laughed, really hard. I was creased with laughter because all my course work is ruined. This isn't a sain person right? It was the icing on top of my perfect week. To make me laugh even more, i won the art award! HA, theres nothing to prove of it because it is all destroyed but i still laughed. I am even laughing now thinking about my failures.
   My german resit got postponed to monday, great! So that means i have more to revise for.

Does anybody else get sick of their family? After my outburst of tears the other night, everyone has been very concerned about me. My mum came upto my room yesterday and told me that i didn't have to be perfect at everything. I don't know if that was her telling my i was fat and can still be pretty the way i am. Or telling me i stress out too much. Both i think. I am sick of people telling me i stress too much! I can't help it! I just won't be happy until i am perfect. I feel like i repeat that a lot but i really mean it!

My granddads birthday on sunday. That means cake. That means i will have to fight against eating some. How can i do this! What is my exuse! Argh i wish food wasn't such a big thing, it would be a lot easier to ignore!

I feel awefull. I am off school today because i am so stressed i just can't stand to talk to anyone or think clearly to do work. I broke down last night, i cried in front of my whole family. I was doing maths and i couldn't do it and all i could think was 'failure, failure' I'm sick of thinking about food. Last night i binged. I ate, banana, fish and veggies, bread and butter, ice cream, caramel shortbread, chocolate, weatabix and peanuts. I hate myself. I wanted to purge so much afterwards. I even dreamed that one of my friends purged up her dinner but i couldn't.  I am blamming my binge on my period, yes it came. I hate it. It is the worst time of the month. I hate feeling fat and gross. All i can think about is food. I want to cry and cry and cry. I want to break something in anger. Argh. I hate food.

I want to be vegan. I am already peceaterian. But i want to go the whole way. I just wondered can you get vegan pasta? I live off pasta almost and a small amount fills me up so it would be great if there was vegan pasta.

OH yeah, i'm back up to 118lbs. Not surpised really. I wanted to take a hammer to the scales but i realised that doing that wouldn't change my weight. Only i can do that. I need to take control.

Failure has just reached a new level.

I hate myself. I failed my german speaking. I have to resit on friday. I do not need this strees anymore! I want to cry or more so i want to eat, fuck loads. I'm not going to because i am fat and being skinny is the only thing that will make me happy right now.
    The worst thing is that my friend seems awfully smug that i failed and she passed, bitch. I'm not counting her as a friend anymore because she is a first class bitch. I have been friends with her for years, and i am a very loyal and good friend. She has decided to invite two of her friends to her house on friday night, i am not one of them. She is a bitch right? Ever since my granddad got cancer she stopped being friendly with me. I love my granddad and i am very close to him. So of course i was upset. Did she comfort me? Nope. She hasn't even asked how he's doing, so inconsiderate. What sort of friend is that? Argh she pisses me off. I just wonder what she would say if i told her about my eating habbits. She would probably say i was stupid and whats the point. She was pissed off when i gave up chocolate for lent. She said 'Who does that?, Whats the point?' I just turned away because i couldn't be bothered to explain. Fucking bitch.
    I feel like i have nobody i feel alone. She has been my best friend for a while but i don't want her to be anymore. It's not easy to just decide to be friends with other people. So i'm going to the gym with people i don't normaly speak to, maybe i'll become good friends with them. I hope she becomes jelous when i'm super skinny and she's a fat bitch.
 
 575 Calories today. Ceral with milk (155) Pasta and cheese (360 + 50).

I will not binge. I will not binge! I need to stay strong. I need to be perfect. I need to pass my exams. I must be the best. I will be the skinnest and the smartest. Food just gets in the way of my plans. I will stay strong!

New Week, Freash Start.

565 Calories today. So happy i achived this after my hellish weekend! That would be: Melon (8), super spicy curry (557). I know that is bad for one meal but it was spicy so it must raise my metabolism a bit. Or is that just an excuse?
    My thoughts are that starting this new week i will just forget about my mistakes and i will learn form them and NEVER do them again!! Starting this week i am going to the gym, going to tennis (god help me) Tennis is my worst sport in the whole world, but i suppose i will get better....  I am also thinking of taking up swimming, but is it a bit weird to do swimming alone or should i ask a friend to come with me? With all of this exercise and restricting i must be able to loose 6lbs in two weeks!
 
German speaking exam tomorrow...I am shitting myself! I really hope i remember what to say and don't just go blank!! So i better get on with some revising,
Wish me luck! xx

I thought i liked rollacoasters...

FUCK! I have had one of the weekends of my life. I had been doing so well with my restricting and i had to go and balls it up! I have litarly been on the see-food diet! Every food i've seen i've wanted. This all started when i refused to have pudding when my sister came around for dinner. She acted all pissed off when i said i didn't want any. So, i went fuck it, i had some. It tasted so good and i was now in binging territory. I then had a chocolate bar and a giant bowl of peanuts.
   Saturday, i stayed at home. Bad move, cravings have been unbearable. I have been trying to revise for my mock exams but all i could think out was food. So what did i eat? Ceral, banana, breakfast ceral bar, macaroni cheese, 2 chocolate bars, peanuts and crisps! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!
  Sunday: toast with jam, melon, m and ms, minstrels, soup and bread. Argh i haven't even stepped on the scaled because i am scared. I am scared incase i smash the fucking thing to pieces!! I have just been in the shower and cried the whole time starring at my fat.
  I hate being hungry. I hate cravings. I hate myself. I am a failure. If you wanted an example of a failure i would be perfect!

Isn't this just hillarious! I came down stairs this morning and my mum says to me, 'Rebekah, you've lost so much weight, you look so skinny' I wanted to scream in her face. How can i be skinny after all that shit i've just ate. I am not skinny i am ugly and fat.

For some reson i keep telling myself that it was okay to binge because i have exams and i'm stressed. That shouldn't be an excuse! One half of me is screaming 'what are you doing,you fat fucking pig' while i am shuffing chocolate into my mouth! The other half is screaming, 'i'm fucking hungry i can eat when i want' The awkwardness of this is that an Avenged Sevenfold song is playing right now, which has lyrics 'I'm not insane, i'm not insane!' I am fucking insane. What is wrong with me?  I need help. NO. I don't need help i need to be skinny, then i will be happy!

I am going to start going to the gym on thursday nights. I am going to ask a couple of friends if they will come as well. This is going to be good because i will be more motivated! I am going to go running almost every night when i can. Tuesdays i will be at dancing, so that is exercise so that is okay. I might not go running on fridays so give myself a rest.
  I watched the london marathon today, so that has really inspired me!

Does anybody else get great enjoyment our of watching things like; Obese: A year to save my life, Supersize vs Superskinny, I used to be fat. These make me feel so much better about myself and i think while watching these programs, if i eat that is what i'll end up like. Great motivation!!

Sorry for the long post, but i had a lot to get off my chest and i haven't posted in a while!!
I need to stay strong, this week i have a calorie restricment of 600 calories. Wish me luck!! xx

Put your hands on me in my skin tight jeans...

409 calories today! That is:Yogurt(130), Pesto Pasta (240) and Salad (40)  I tried on a pair of size 8 (UK) jeans, that were small for me at the beinging of the year and they fit!!!! I even have a little room! So happy, unfortunatly i have not lost any weight!
  I have decided to take up running. I am going to slowly build up running on the spot in the house for a couple of weeks until i feel ready to go out! This is a great idea because i will be burning up all of those pounds while hardly eating any caloires at all!!!
  I have mock exams in two weeks time, which sucks balls! So i am going to be so stressed out and i can't be bothered with food to be in my way! It's a thing you need but is such an inconvinence at times like these. That is why i am thinking of doing my first ever fast. However i live with people so what excuse to i use for not eating? I am only going to fast for a day and the next day hopefully only eat 300 calories.

Slim and Elgant....

Today has been quite successful, 566 calories. That is: fat free yougurt (111), mushroom burger (160) Roll(250), Tomato ketchup (5) Salad( 40). The mushroom burger was a really bad idea, but it is much better than salmon en croute, that my mum was going to make. So, i nicly wiggled my way out of that one by saying i would be too full for dance tonight. Which i would of been, because i was so full with that dinner!
  Dance was fantastic tonight however we were doing lifts.... Being 5'2 i'm the one always getting lifted. I hated it. When he had to hold on to my stomach or legs for support, all i could think of is 'Oh my god hes going to be so grossed out by all this fat' I also felt so heavy and horrible and wanted to die of embarressment, i am supposed to be slim and elgant! On the good side of this hour and a half, i must of burnt something off..NOPE i did not not one bit of fat, now i feel like shit!!

Dance lift i managed to do, boy was much bigger though, so was me (unfourtunatly)

   Being back to school means it's easy to skip lunch, because lunch is rank at school!! I will take apple in bag and keep it there all day until i get home and but it in my room until the end of the week when i throw them all away. Today though was difficult, my friend who is skinny as fuck eats so much! She was going on about how much food she eats and i was just like, yeah i have nothing.. I didn't no what to say!! I was also just so pissed off today because when i sit and 'eat' lunch with my friends i want to die. The are all stuffing their faces and i am just causually drinking my water. How can they eat so much and not care? This however gives me some personal achivement. I can say no to food when your life is ruled by it! I have more control of my life than them girls ever will!!!

It's half way through the day and i have binged on ice cream and i did puke in the shower. I think it might be something i will be doing more often, for some reason i found it easier. Gross i know i'll not talk about that any longer!
  So far i have ate yougurt, half a carrot and ice cream but thats gone now, i did some housework to burn it off for sure! Changing the bed and hoovering is really tiering! So that means i have ate, 138 calories today! I still have dinner to deal with but i have that sorted, i am making a stir-fry noodle dish that only has 192 calories!! So that will only be 330 calories!

Back to school tomorrow, so that means shit loads of homework and revison to be done! I really hate exams but i need As in everything, my parent need to be proud of me for something right?? 

I am so stupid. I am no were near anorexic or even skinny. Why do i fucking care so much? I don't deserve the label anorexic, because i am a whale. I hate everything about myself and everybody else right now. I have this feeling like i just want to scream out and maybe deafen some people! I hate skinny girls because i am not skinny like them. I hate how some skinny girls can eat whatever they like and how much of it and still be skinny. Why can't i be like that? Why can't i be perfect?
  One thing i hate the most is the look my dad gave me today. He asked if i wanted lunch and of course i said no. He just gave me a glare and said 'you don't eat much rebekah' i just said i was still full from breakfast, which i was. Yes my dad perpared my breakfast, he gave me the biggest bowl ever know to man of muesli and yougurt. I ate it all so i didn't get the greif but i felt like shit afterwards. Well at dinner time my family decided to order take away. I quickly replied with 'I'm not having a take away!' I was in panic obvously! So my mum gave me this confused look and said 'you used to love take out. I suppose your all health consious now' What the hell is that supposed to mean? Instead i had some stuffed pasta. This is so much fucking food! That is 630 calories. I failed badly. I really want to be able to eat 200 calories a day. Why does family have to be so fucking annoying and why can't they just leave me alone!! I am old enough to decide what i want to eat and not. I can't wait to move out of this hell!!

Tomorrow i am off again and the family are out at work, so i am going to practice purging in the shower so i can do it when there in the house. That may sound sick and hyporcritical but i need to know how much noice i make before i do it when there in! Anyway tomorrow i will need a good binge....

Chaos lives in everything...

556 calories today. I feel like a whale. My calorie intake is okay today but i still feel as though i have binged on loads beacuse of one chocolate bar. It was a KitKat that was 106 calories. My only excuse for having it was because my sister said 'Miss i'm not gunna eat today' she ment it in a jokey way but i feel like she is noticing something. Also, the awkward moment when you walk in to a room and know people have been talking about you? Well that happened when i walked in to the kitchen and my mum and sister fell silent. Does it sound like they are suspecting something, or am i just being paranoid?
  Well the rest of my 556 calories was: Fat Free Yogurt- 118
                                                               Small Apple- 50
                                                               Two Vegaterian Sausages- 202
                                                                Carrots and Borcolli- about 80 cals?
                                                                KitKat (Dark Chocolate) - 106
OMG, looking at that now looks like i've ate loads, tomorrow may be better because my cravings were taimed today from the chocolate. My weight hasn't changed any and i have only purged once since the other day, yes it does yet easier.
  I slpet last night!! I was so happy when i woke up this morning to sunlight! But my sleepyness made me do something stupid and i told my mum i had missed a period and she asked if i was pregnant and blah blah blah, and i told her i wasn't. She said that it can be irreagular sometimes but i feel like i have made her more suspicious? What should i do next month when she asks? Do i say it has came even if it hasn't? My period may just be irreagular but i feel like it could be this disease. It couldn't be though because i eat way to much and i am a fat fucking pig. Argh, i am sick of being stressed about this, i should be normal and stress about exams or something.

To stop my self from binging is remembering what i want and that is perfection. I have taken inspiration from Taylor Momsen, i want to be her...

Wish my stomach was so flat...



Wish my legs where so skinny and long...

Chaos lives in my life fullstop. Lives in food, sleep and my family is just chaotic on its own!

Success!

YES!! I am 116lbs!! I am so happy!! I was so strong yesterday, my mum made apple crumble and i said no, my mum had brought cake i said no!! It has paid off!! But now i am going to have eat a bit today so she doesn't freak out.
  Sleep is a problem at the moment for me. I tried to go to sleep at 11 last night, woke up at one, fell asleep again woke up at two and never got back to sleep. Does this have anything to do with food restricting? I did have really bad hunger pains, maybe that was it?
  I am planning on keeping this diet up so get to 110 quickly, i don't care if i don't get enough sleep. I get a personal high when i see my weight has gone down!!

530 calories today, not too bad. To treat my self for losing 2lbs i am going to have a relaxing bath and maybe get some sleep afterwards!!

Just wait for a moment and think.

I ate 498 calories today, i feel proud. But somewhere in the back of my mind is saying that i shouldn't be proud of this, but if i ate more i would hate myself i would not talk to anybody and sit alone in my depression. Sometimes i think what would people say if i told them i hated eating over 1000 calories in one day. They would proably dismiss it as me wanting attention, so i don't tell anybody. Sometimes i am disgusted at how one person can eat a sandwich, crisps and a chocolate bar in one sitting, but other times i wish i didn't care how many calories are in some food and i could just eat whatever. Another thing i would love to say to someone is, i ate this and that and felt so guilty i made my self sick by downing 3 glasses of warm water and sticking my fingers as far back down my throat as i could. When i write this and re-read it it sounds insane, but i still do it. I think about it all the time. When i am tryping i am thinking about how many calories i burn doing it, when i eat something i think about fat bubbling on to me. I am telling everyone this because it's easier to type it than to say it to someone you love. I know this is a disease but it's not something you can control it's a part of me. If people feel the need to hate on somebody with this disease and say that they just want attention, they can fuck off. Believe you me attention on this disease is the last thing i want. All i want is to be skinny and that is what i am doing, i'm being me and i'm not going to change anything about that. I can't remember a time when i didn't think like this


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I can't remember not thinking like this. Sometimes i think i would be easier not being like this. On the other hand i think it would be horrible not to care because i would feel empty almost. Does this mean i like it? Do i like calculating the calories i eat on my phone through the day? Does it mean that i like binging and purging, i may of only done it twice but you wouldn't do it a second time if you didn't like it the first right? But this isn't a thing you give up overnight. I don't want to give this up but do i enjoy having this disease? Yes is probably the answer because i am not going to be asking for help to stop or try to stop anytime soon. I suppose you could say that i am proud of this disease, so i should be if i continue to live with it. Yes i am proud that i ate 498 calories today, this is me deal with it!

So today i am still 118lbs. I plan to eat 600 cals, i think i have satifited my cravings over the last few days.
  The last few nights, i've had trouble sleeping. I've been waking up at like 5 in the morning and not being able to get back to sleep, so i just get up! This happened yesterday and today. you would think i would be tired!!
 I am late, the first time i've missed m period. I know i am not pregnant and i've been getting really sore stomach pains. Is this just hunger pains or something different? I don't want to tell anybody about it incase i get told to go to the doctor.
  My mum has been driving me insane. Everytime she comes in from work she'll ask what i've ate, so i'll lie. Then at dinner i will say i want certain things and don't want others and she'll go 'You sure thats enough?' She also keeps on saying how much weight i've lost since december and what a lovely 'figure' i have. Is she catching on to something? I wish she would fuck off though because i do not have a lovely 'figure'!!
  One thing she likes though is how much water i drink! Yesterday i drunk 2ltr 250ml of water and 3 cups of green tea! Today already i have had two cups of green tea! But i did have to have some toast and jam because i woke up when she was still in the house!
 
I don't think i've every been thankful for so much homework. All my art, german, geography homework i have means i have distraction to curb my cravings. Its also a great excuse because i can say to my parents that i am way to busy to eat (snacks).

I need a job so fucking much! I am so poor and since i've been off for easter i have spent most of it! I have been to so many places but there is nothing. Well there was a job at the chip shop (gross i know, but it's money) but my dad said that it would be to much for me as i would have to work after school and at the weekend. I thought working at a chip shop would put me off greasy fast food, from being around it all the time. Well i suppose that he will have to keep on giving my money and i will need to be more in control. I don't think i've had chips in over a month, thinking about it i don't know why people like chips, ugh gross!

One thing that changed my life.

This is one thing you cannot talk about with friends/family, therefore why this blog has started. This is my life, and i no longer care. All i want is perfection. I am 118lbs and my goal is 105lbs. I binged and purged for the first time ever yesterday, i did it again today. I made this blog to i can tell somebody about it.
  So i woke up hungry, which is normal now. I had some cereal for breakfast and i wanted to cry, so i just got out all the food i wanted to eat. This included: leftover pizza, chocolate, 3 different chocolate bars and ice cream. Turns out these foods are not easy to bring back up. It hurt bad. Pizza was the worst, lumpy and horrible. The chocolate i couldn't get up at all, so i failed there. I also discovered that ice cream is the best thing to bring back up, so this is now my binge food.
  I cried for about 10-15 minuted afterwards. This is one step in my life that i will never forget.
I binged on yogurt today, i purged it up afterwards and it was easier the second time. I relaised that it will get easier, so hopefully i lose weight quicker.
 So today i have ate 674 calories, which is okay i know i could of done better. I still live with my parents so I have to eat a full meal at night, which sucks!!
  Tomorrow is a new day and i am unsure if i will binge and purge or just calorie restrict tomorrow. One thing i do know is that i won't have lost any weight, one thing i want to go down, fast!!