Today has been a roller coaster.
I started my day off with binging and purging twice, then self harming a lot. I then searched the whole house for any medication that hasn't been hidden and I found 4 ibuprofen, not enough.
So I am currently holding on to them so I can take them with more stuff nearer the date.
Well after that my therapist shows up and we do this shitty collage thing. While today the collage she mentions hospital to me again and she says that she thinks it will really benefit me right now as I'm obviously really struggling and the date is fast approaching. She basically talked me through what inpatient is like blah, blah, blah. Also because of my medication drama I need to be monitored in case I go manic,yay.
Well after she left I binged and purged again. I purged blood but I couldn't give two shits about that right now.
Oh and tonight I had to go out to a fucking meal with my friends. Can you sense how enjoyable that was for me? Dinner was awful, I couldn't eat it and I almost cried. Then I fainted. Great.
Did I mention how the majority of the conversations we had were about self harm and suicide. No, they are not aware of my current situation. So that was awkward as fuck.
I think the worst of the whole night was that they were talking about what a fabulous night they had on Friday. A night which I wasn't invited on. I just don't get why they invited me to this shitty meal but not a great night out with alcohol on Friday.
Not to mention how much Friday sucked for me as I had a two hour Mental Health Assessment and falling out with my best friend (who is aware of my current situation and still hasn't talked to me since).
Oh but they invited me to the beach this Friday, oh lucky me. I probably won't be able to go because I have fucking therapy and may be getting admitted then so fuck.
Anyways, since I'm in such a fabulous mood all I can think about is my trip to my sisters tomorrow. That includes a 45 minutes train ride with my mother there and back, shopping, eating out and walking around in a busy city with lots of people. NO. I cannot deal with this okay, It is too fucking much. I can tell that tomorrow I'm going to struggle a lot. Since the whether has been so nice as well, everyone is going to be in shock if I wear long sleeves. Yet, imagine the shock if they seen my arms without sleeves. To be honest, I hardly have a bit of clear skin left due to all the self harm scars and fresh cuts.
I really don't know how I'm going to get through tomorrow I really don't. I just want to die right now so it doesn't have to happen.
Well, clearly I have had a brilliant day and I'm sure tomorrow will be twice as good.
From your kind but yet very,very,very suicidal friend,