Hello!

I'm starting ABC today! But I am spending the whole day with the mother! So in gunna have to do some heavy exercise! I am already -234 with breakfast burned off! So If I have only fruit and veg for dinner and lung then exercise I reckon I can stay in minus cals!

My bowel issue is getting better, yay! I also took the test and I'm not pregnant! Thank god! So now I'm just like where the fuck is my period? Well if i go 2 months without it, I'll start being concerned but it can be irregular sometimes right?

I made my red bracelet! I was so chuffed with it! But then it had to go and break! Piece of shit jewellery maker I am ha. I'll post a picture anyways! I feel so positive today, I don't know why! I just have this mind set that I will not give up this time, no matter how hard it gets. I want this. I want perfection.

Bekah
Xxxx

FML

Well my one day binge didn't happen, it turned into a super weekend long binge. Including disgusting take- aways. I feel like the greese if dripping off me. The calories are infecting me and making me fat. I cry and cry loads about this. You know what, is this going to make a differecne? Crying like a failure. I was even considering moving my goal date back a bit. FUCK NO. I will just have to work extra hard. I want to see 114lbs on friday. I recon i am 120, but i am not getting on the scales because that will just trigger me to cut. So is it possible to lose 6lbs, in 4 days? Well i hope so, because i am going full steam ahead.

You know what, i have binged so much recently, that i am not even hungry. I don't even want food. So hopefully this will stay until the end of summer.

Right all of this shitty food has defo not been good for me. I have had some bowl problems, gross i know! But seriously it fucking sucks. I am sercretly and weirdly hopeing that i loose these extra pounds from it.

I am also two weeks late.

Bekah
xxx

Day started off, good. Worked out in the morning, was -344 cals. Then I got to my sisters, no mention of lunch. Then we made dinner, so healthy and low cal that I was jumping or joy. Then I had a ridiculous smile when she said 'we have no treats in sorry!'

Horror struck. 'do you want to go to the shop?' Fuck no I don't are you fuckjng insane! I replied 'yeah sure'

Worst mistake ever. This lead to the biggest binge in mg entire life. I hate myself so much. I can't even cut because I'm at here house and I can't purge either.

I need to stay strong this next week. Restrict, restrict, restrict! I want to be minus cals all week. I do not want to be infected with calories any longer. I feel so greesy and full. I also feel plumb and wobbly. Well I feel like shit, I guess things are normal then.
Bekah
Xxx

Well I do feel like crap today. I'm -70 cals but I just feel like I could of done better. My legs look huge. Im not even kidding. I think all the fat from my recent binges has gone straight to my thunder thighs.

I haven't felt empty in ages and even though I have been good, I just fell grossly full an bloated. I just want to be perfect. I know for sure that I won't be 114lbs tomorrow. So I will just h e to wait another week and hopefully see 114 or 112.

Sisters house tomorrow. She is still a bit Ill so maybe se won't be feeling food so much! Therefore she won't stuff me full until explosion. Other than her making me eat, I am looking forward to staying there! I do love spending time with my sister. We're gunna paint nails and make bracelets! I think I might make a red one!

Being feeling so numb today. Like I'm in a bubble filled of my thoughts about calories and self harm. I don't like I've actually spoken to anyone today. I don't even think I could speak, am I still alive? I surly don't feel it. Even after cutting. I'm sorry, I really am rubbish at recovering.

I'm a mess, I need to wake up.

Bekah
Xxx

WHAT? Are those minus calories?

-305 calories today! So happy! I feel empty and beautiful!

I went shopping today and i bought a pair of UK8 trousers! They are a little tight, so my mission is for them to fit me perfectly with a little room!

I am soooooo happy today! I feel so good that i restricted and didn't binge! First time in about 2 weeks!

I have now found a new way to take my mind of eating more food. Because sometimes when you eat a bad food you think ,'what can i have next?' NO that is no more. I now count how many bites i take of the food. My dad shoved a licorice allsort in my face, it is only one so i am praying it didn't have many calories. So i used my new technique and i took 16 bites! How ridiculous is that! I mean licorice allsorts aren't exactly big! So that made me wonder how many bites do i take when i eat like bread! Hope to god that this will work!

Well today being nice and strong i declined ice cream and strawberries, horray! But the annoying mother got right up my nose! What annoys me more than her even asking if i want any is when she says. 'You sure?' (Imagine a really high pitched annoying motherly concerned tone) YES I AM SURE! Why would i of said no in the first place if i wasn't sure!

My dad also pissed me off today. The first time i was tired in about a month today, so i fell asleep on the sofa. BAD MISTAKE! My dad stormed in and started yelling at me because i hadn't hoovered! What the actucal fuck! I was so annoyed, he didn't even apologise that he had woken me up! What annoys me more is that he goes off his head is anybody wakes him up and he was bascily making out to not be a big deal. Argh, asshole.

To make things worse, i have had a massive break out of spots because of all the crap i've been eating! Great!

Meh, what happened to my good mood?

Sorry about the rant.

I hope for a successful week and to see 114lbs on friday!

Bekah

xxx

Yeah i failed. EPICLY. My friend sucks. She forced me to have dinner and many other foods. But really i screwed up as soon as i woke up. I have cake for breakfast. Then i cut, deeper than ever before. I also cut on my wrist for the first time....why am i such a fuck up? So i ate, and ate and ate today.  But i did exerice, my net is 433. But my intake is 1215. Meh, i suck.

So my cuts hurt, they wouln't stop bleeding. I am so disapoined in my self. The same with the binging.

Maybe i should stop saying that tomorrow i will be better, becuase am i ever really? I am with the mother tomorrow so that makes things difficult, to restrict but i think i will go to the gym for an hour! Burn some of my digusting fat off!

Limit tomorrow? 500 i think. That seems so much, feel like i fail if i eat 500, maybe 300? That sounds so much better. I had 300 calories today. You know what also sounds a lot better. I weigh 95lbs. I need to implant my UGW in my head when i want to binge. Think about all the things i hate about my self. stupid/ugly/fat/wobbly/lumpy/giant/idiot/pathetic/worthless/depressed.

I cry in my pillow tonight, for a better tomorrow.

Bekah
xxx

Well today didn't go well. I have been saying that so much lately that i am just sick of being disappointed with myself. I ate...like a normal person today. I didn't stick to my plan because it is almost impossible with the mother hanging over my shoulder. She made me binge, she dangled a piece of chocolate in my face, so i gobbled the whole bar up. Along with cake and peanuts. AGAIN, my 21 days starts tomorrow.

I am meeting my friend tomorrow, were gunna go shopping then go back to her house for a bit. I am going to be strong tomorrow. 'No thanks, i'm nit hungry', 'My mum is making a big dinner', 'I had a massive breakfast/lunch' I am really concidering on fasting tomorrow. It is doable if i use all the right lies in the right places! Strength is all i need.

Okay so tomorrow i want to buy some laxitives for those binge days that i have so often. But i am going to be with my friend! So would this exuce work,'My mum asked me to get them,.....(mini rant about how weird it is buying laxitives and why she couldn't of got them her self)....' Plus is their an age limit on buying laxitives?

My stomach is seriously grossing me out so much right at this moment. I cannot feel my hipbones, where are those gorgeous things!

Bekah
xxx

Goddamn those effing peanuts! I honestly cannot resist them! I really need someone to put me off them in some way! Gain control bekah!

Well since the slip up with the peanuts my net is 363, quite lame. My actual intake though is just hideous, 822! PUKE! So weak. Well since right now is almost impossible to restrict to a good level, i am calling this my, 'metabolism booting stage'. So i will be burning calories up without even doing anything! So myfitnesspal told me today that if every day was like today in five weeks time i would weigh, 100.9lbs. Really that is were i want to be, but i feel like i have ate for britian today! Well if i eat less, i'll weigh less.

I am still not getting on the scales until next friday becuase i know i will just hate myself. Hopefully it will be a gorgeous 114lbs! Or even 112, but that might be asking for too much!

I have to be strong tomorrow. My sisters birthday, more cake, FUCK! Really hate these bloddy birthdays! And to make things worse, i am spending the whole day with the mother.....fabulous. So that means, breakfats, lunch and dinner. Oh and cake. So i am planning on having banana for breakfast, lettuce and cucumber for lunch. Dinner, eat less as possibly can! Then have the smallest piece of cake ever!

I will have to do the 100 calorie workout like 5 times tomorrow night! Don't want to go over 800! URG i feel disgusting saying,'stay below 800' 800 is a huge amout of food, gross.

My new ulter-ego is Lia, from wintergirls! Now in the face of temptation i am just going to think,' what would lia do?' She would turn the mutherfucking food and get super skinny.

I got this new app which is called,'igoalinformer' Which tells you how much food ect you have to eat to get to your goal on time. So i put in my stats, and what i want to be by 1st september. It said that i have to eat 588 calories everyday to get there. So does that means overall intake or net goal? If it's net goal i really think i would be able to do it! Oh i also heard that if you go 21 days and over of giving something up you will less likely want to do it again. So that means i must go 21 days without, bingeing, purging and cutting. God, wish me luck!

Bekah
xxx

My sister didn't bring any normal sponge cake, she really went to town and got a Misspissppi mud pie. Well fuck my no chocolate is screwed up! I also had a handful of peanuts... But overall my net is 187 calories. Not bad but my intake was 760, lame, at least i burned some of it off!

I am so effing jealous of my sister! She looks gorgeous, she is so skinny! But it is annoying be because she is really trying so hard to gain it back, why would you do that! I would never purposly gain weight, it is just wrong!

Six weeks holiday now! I need to stay strong! I honestly think it's easier when i am not at school or at work to restrict! Well i have two goals by the end of the summer now, to be 100lbs and to be able to run 2 miles! I am going to go to the gym so often and just work out constantly for six weeks! I never want to be the weight i am just now EVER again!

I went shopping today and bought a playsuit, it fits but i will look even better in it when i weigh less! So my goal for next friday is to be 114lbs again! I think it's do-able, hopefully.

Sisters birthday on sunday, goddamn you cake! So that will probably mess up things. If i do plenty exercise that day i will be okay. I will not eat over 800 calories!

Okay reading wintergirls, i love it so much! But she is just so strong i don't know how she does it, i know she is a fictonal character but she must be based on a actual person. How does she do it? Totally my role model even though she isn't real. I want to be so strong that i can easily turn down a bad food, espesically when i have been restricting for ages!

My new moto, only eat when necessary! That means like only around family, so they will think i eat perfectly fine! Now that i am on holiday, i won't have to have breakfast and i will be able to fast much easier. I will just go out and say that i have had food at a friends house even if i haven't! WOOP, so glad it's the holidays! Bring on 100lbs!

Bekah
xxx

IT NEVER ENDS. Seiously what is this a month long binge? I remembered that my sister is coming over tomorrow and she is bringing cake so i was like so whats the point in being good today. WHY DID I THINK THAT BECAUSE I FEEL SO SHIT NOW!

We he wasnt having no for an answer today, i got a cupcake and some chocolate. There i go again stuffing my face with every food i can see. I was even binging on food i dont even like. I am blaming this on my period. It must be coming, i'm a week late and i am craving food like a pig!

I can seriously feel the extra fat on me, i want to purge so much. I failed and gave in so i have to start all over again.

OMG. This friend of mine started talking about self harm today. It was so awkward. I was just saying you shouldn't judge people that do that because you never know whats going on in their lives. Then he said, well it must be bad if you want everyone to think your a freak. Thanks, what a great friend he is. I am never going to tell him anything. He would hate me forever.

Tomorrow is the beginning of my summer holidays. So that means i am offically on the diet of loosing 20 something pounds before the end of august? Yes it is. So i need to be strong. Going to start distracting myself. Oh yeah i broke my elastic band, i snapped it too hard.

I need to take this diet with force, no weak links. From tomorrow, NO CHOCOLATE, NO PEANUTS, NO BINGING, NO PURGING, NO CUTTING. I think it's a fair deal. Wish me luck.

Bekah

xxx

Just carved 'fat' into my leg. I am so pathetic. I want to fast tomorrow but I cant. I am throwing my lunch out before I get to work so I don't even have to temptation. New me tomorrow I swear down that everything will change. Need to get an elastic band to snap when i get hungry. I don't deserve to eat. I want to be empty again. I don't know what I weight but I recon I weigh about 120. I'm not letting him buy me anything tomorrow, I will just scream in his face. I will be strong. Net tomorrow I want to be under 200 or even minus cals. I want to feel skinny again. Can't even feel my ribs anymore )':

Bekah
Xxx

I Purged this morning, but banana is really difficult to get up after waiting 20 mins before purging. So I only got a little up. So it was pointless. I am armed with my elastic band today. I want to be empty! I feel out of my binge phase right now. I need to stay strong! I am not giving up.

Bekah
Xxx

One more cookie, One more pound

Yes he bought me a tripple chocolate cookie today. That set off a binge, so i ate my sandwich all my dinner and some cake as well. I don't even know how to put in to words right now how i feel so i am just going to list words that decribe how i feel and hopefully it will make sence: UGLY, FAT, DIGUSTING, WOBBLY, GROSS, HIDEOUS, WORTHLESS, USELESS, PATHETIC, INSANE, DEATH, ANGRY, ANNOYED, FRUSTRATED, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, NOT PERFECT, UNLOVED, oh did i mention FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I CAN CRY FOR HOURS. WHY WONT I LOOSE ANYMORE WEIGHT? WHY CAN'T EAT ANYTHING WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY? WHY DO I CUT TO FEEL REAL? WHY DON'T I FEEL REAL? WHY AM I NEVER ENOUGH?

To make myself feel even better, my sister has lost 11lbs in two weeks, when i have gained 4. FUCK MY LIFE.

I'm sorry

Bekah
xxx

Well the friend i was talking about yesterday bought me a belgian bun today. I ate it, then almost had a heart attack when i found out how many calories it had in it. 420 calories, 420 fucking calories. How disgusting. So i started to freak out and i was pacing around and i really wanted to go purge. I didn't but i did do alot of exercise when i got home. My net is 337 today. Might do more sit up to get it lower, ill see how i feel.

Well this friend is really getting on my back. He said,'i'm worried about you' today. I wanted to ask why but i just ignored him. He then kept on teasing saying that it is funny how i am full after an apple. But that isn't the case. I coulde eat the whole supermarket  NO! I need to stay strong. Eat less, be perfect, be empty, be beautiful. Yeah that is my mind all day long. Just if some people could see inside this head they would understand.

Last night i paced around with a razor in my hand for about 20 minutes. I gave in and cut. FAILURE. So i drew a butterfly on my wrist today. This is stopping. NO BINGING=NO CUTTING. Just a little deal i made with my self.

I feel so confused today. My brain has been shook around to much. I want to sleep. This post is so random i'm sorry. Hopefuly i will be more sane tomorrow.

Bekah
xxx

Well I really picked the worst time to start ABC because it was my dads birthday. Birthday=cake. I hate myself. I say this way too often.

Well today I was trying to be good at restricting but my friend was being all weird when I only had an apple. In my world an apple is a big deal. 55 calories do not get just an 'only' that's bloody loads! The he asked, "why don't you eat?" I didn't reply. The. He said,"why are you starving your self" well he seriously just said the truth right? Well I don't even know of he was asking me directly because he says these things but doesn't look at me or will not say anything when I don't reply. I didn't say anything back, maybe I should of. We then went to his mums shop he then told her that I had only had an apple, she then started saying,"that's not enough you must eat more" I just said I wasn't hungry. We then wondered around the shops and he was demanding that he bought me something to eat, I kept on rejecting starting to get a little pissed off. He eventually bought some candy sticks. I then ate my goddamn fucking sandwich because he was doing my head in and I thought that news would eventually spread to my mother that I hadn't ate anything so I just did. But then he still force fed me candy sticks,"I will hate you if you don't eat these" so I did. Crying on the inside. Well that flipped to binge switch. Ate a lot at dinner ate a lot of cake. Then I cut a lot afterwards. I hate this.

When he asked me why I didn't eat I was really tempted to tell him. What would he listen? Would he care? I didn't but I was bored in the office today so I wrote everything out on a piece of paper of what I wanted to say. I then stumbled it up and put it in the bin, because that isn't me I don't want to be this person.

Sorry for the depressing post. Hopefully the mood will lighten by tomorrow.

Bekah
Xxx

Today started off well, melon (33) then i had a latte for lunch (80) then i headed to my sisters. Well she was ill and skinny but she still manages to make effing tuna pasta for her fat sister (288) Gah fuck you calories! She then made me eat crisps (170) Then i had dinner, i managed to persuade the mother to only give me lovely low calorie vegetables (107) I then did exercise which brought my net to 473. My limit is 500 so i guess i just managed to get under. I am going to swap tomorrow with a high calorie day because its my dad birthday, therefore cake. Gah i hate birthdays, i hate cake. Hidious calories.

I cried last night. I stepped on the scales, 116. I hate you scales. I wanted to take a hammer and smash them to pieces. 2 pounds i gained, what a weak fat girl. I refuse to ever get this weight again. I want to be 110lbs by the end of this month. I have 6lbs to loose and 16 days to do it. If i am strong i will be there. Weakness cannot be an option.

My mother told me that i am a good weight today, and practicly begged me not to loose anymore. I felt like screaming in her face ,'I FUCKING GAINED 2 POUNDS YOU CRAZY BITCH' but i didn't i just said,'i'm not even trying to loose weight mum' Well thats the biggest lie i've ever told. Loosing weight controls my whole life.

I also got a compliment off my sister today saying i looked nice. I felt far from it, i felt rather large and wobbly. Even though my size UK12 jeans are huge on me i still felt massive. I cannot belive i used to fit in to these jeans! My size UK10s are starting to get big, so thank god. I want to be a sold 8 by the end of this year. Really by the end of this year i would love to be 100lbs. Is that possible? Well i'm gunna try for it.

I cut on my arm last night. So much for stopping. I cannot control it anymore i have to do it every night. My mind is screaming JUST STOP. Then i cry and cut more. I am falling apart and i don't have glue to stick myself back together.

Bekah
xxx

First day of ABC has gone well, my net is 247 calories. I am thinking i might do some exercise to get into minus calories. I have been so strong today. My downfall peanuts, my mother bought some probably expecting me to eat them but i turned away and declined! Well i came upstairs, i removed myself from the tempation so now i don't really give a shit about peanuts but when there right there, argh i just cant help myself!

Im going to see my sister tomorrow, so i will be the big sister for the day looking after her! Were going to watch films all day! Which is nice but that means im gunna have to do little exercise when i could of been running or something. Oh well.

I am so nervous for monday, becuase i have to phone people for interviews how stupid is that. But i hate speaking on the phone but what i hate more than speaking on the phone is other people listening to me on the phone. Which will happen becuase i am in a rather large office! Why do i get so anxious over nothing!

I'm sorry i cut today, because i really hated myself. I felt so numb this morning like so dead. I didn't feel real at all. Well i'm 0 days clean. Such a failure, so weak.

I starting reading Winter girls, it is amazing! I love reading it because it reminds me of me, i can relate to it. To be honest i'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. If you haven't read it, do it is great!

Stay strong and no effing peanuts!

Bekah

xxx

New beginnings

My sister has been ill for the past week. She looks so sad and it makes me depressed. I hate seeing her ill, her bubbly happy self is just dead. I really want to have a magic wand to make her better, where is Harry Potter when you need him! But the worst of it is, she has lost so much weight and i am jealous. I am so sick and very inconciderate. I can't believe that because she has lost weight i have now jumped out of my binge phase and am back on track to my GW! What a bitch i am.

Well i have set a goal for September. To be 105lbs. I am going to start ABC tomorrow for the 1 millionth time! I am going to be strong. I will not let the weak me in. The cutting has to stop as well. If i stick with my limits, there is no reason to cut.

Going for a run tomorrow morning, to start off the new diet and successful weight loss.

Bekah

xxx

Okay i think i am never ging to be able to get out of this massive binge week. I have had a stomach bug for a while which is just not going away, so everytime i eat something it just comes out. So i'm like are these calories even being processed? Because i am so effing hungry even after ive eaten lots. So ive been eating like a normal person, and i still feel hungry. I don't know if i have gained but i probably have. Argh i just hate this. I want  to be strong but it seems so far out of reach.

My cutting is getting worse, now i am purposly eating because that is a reason for me to cut. I need to cut to feel real, i feel like im in a dream world. Im in my little binge world i just havent woken up yet. I havent even exercised for 3 days! What the fuck has happened to me. I am not stepping back on the scales untill i have gone a full 2 weeks of successful restricting. Which will start tomorrow.

Omg today i was trying to be good. I was eating a sandwich for lunch, yeah weird eating lunch, anyway i was moaning on at my friend, who was eating a pasty. Saying that i was being healthy and that it was disgusting that he could eat that, well it is so many calories. So then he said,' you act like your all healthy but i bet when you get back home you eat lots of pies, haha' I was so pissed off, so he just told me i was fat right? He said it to my face that i need to loose weight. Argh i am not sure weather to be pissed off at him or thankful that i have a reason to loose weight.

I must be getting my period, seriously the cravings for food are unbearable. But i never know anymore when they are going to come, or not. I just want to have control and it seems so impossible right now. I am so pathetic, so weak and worthless.

On a higher note, my photograph is in the newspaper this week! Its on page 3 LOL! I feel very proud. I really want to do photography as a job, its amazing!

Stay strong and don't follow my footsteps because they are in the sand and will just be washed away.

Bekah

xxx

I just ate a chocolate cake. I cannot express the hate I have for myself right now. It's weird when you binge. Your like in between ana and normal. There is no way your normal because who eats a chocolate cake, Danish pastry, Kitkat and a twix in one sitting. But there is no way you are anorexic because you are just too fat. So in between, does that mean in between is obese? I think so. So therefore I am obese. I am a fat pig and I deserve to die. I am going to burn calories now, I recon 1000 will do.

Oh I didn't throw out my lunch today, I ate it like I was hungry or something... What a failure, such a weak failure.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning very strong minded about being strong and not cutting, no food no cuts. But then as the day goes on I will eat one thing and automatically think I must cut. Argh why am I so messed up!

Here's a picture of the fat disgusting obese me before I went out on Saturday and the cake I just ate, I actually feel sick looking at it

Bekah
Xxx

Last night was one of the worst nights ever. We got to the resturant and the meal came. I was so nervous i was shaking, my hands were sweaty i felt awfull. I started to eat, taking little bites, drinking in between. Then the questions started. ,'is that nice?' ,'what is it like?' 'you like mushrooms don't you?' I then started to feel ill and i just wanted to cry, i wanted to burst into tears because i had to eat. I got up and went to the toilet while everyone was eating, because i had to clear my head i had to calm down. I wanted to purge the two bites i had eaten. When i got back to the table everyone started asking if i was okay. I said my stomach was upset and i didn't feel well. It worked! I took another bite and my mother said,'you don't have to force it love' OMG my mother told me i didn't hae to eat! I must of looked like shit because of the nervs. So i didn't eat my dinner last night, yay!

My fast didn't happen today, i had to go to my sisters for dinner so she forced food at me.  I have re-started the ABC diet. Day one is limit of 500 calories. My net is -73. I am in control.

I haven't stepped on the scales yet, i'm not going to until friday. And hopefully i will she the gorgeous number of 110!

Work exerpience tomorrow, i haven't though of a way to get rid of my lunch yet. I will figure it out surely.

Mothers birthday tomorrow, i am praying that nobody buys her a cake. That is an indulgence i really do not deserve.

Bekah
xxx

I binged so much today, like so much that I don't think I stopped eating for about 2 hours. Why does it always seem okay at the time. There is no way I will be able to burn off the amount of calories that I have consumed today. Omg I will have gained so much... I'm such a weak piece of shit I need to gain control! What the fuck is wrong with me!

I am going to be 'ill' tomorrow well to my family anyways because I am fasting! My sister Is I'll so I can just 'catch' it off her.

I haven't purged yet, I want to though, more than ever....

Bekah
Xxx

Why do I always binge! Why am I so weak. I hate myself. I hate myself! My net is 730 calories how disgusting is that! I am now going to do a serious workout. I am aiming to burn 700 calories then I will be happy.

I had my last day of school today, it was pretty crap. I have work experience for 2 weeks now, I feel really anxious. Not because of working because of lunch. Will I be able to throw out my lunch, will people get suspicious will they question me? Argh I just wish this was simple. But if it was, everyone would be skinny.

Once on the lips
Forever on the hips

I need to keep on reminding myself of this!

Bekah
Xxx

I am so exhausted. I barely have any energy to lift my arms, walk up stairs. I have exercised today like it was going out of fashion! Walked, ran, cycled and played badminton! I really really think I will be able to sleep tonight, if I don't I will be worried!

I am -22 calories today. I really wanted that to be about -100 but i just have. I energy to do so. Oh yeah, I met 114lbs today!! Woop! So happy! Roll on 112!!

Tomorrow my mother informed me that I having fish and chips for dinner. She must of seen the fear in my eyes because she said ,' is that okay? You look like you've seen a ghost' I really thought I had, the ghost of me after I died after this meal. PUKE! This just is the worst news I have ever ever had. I will eat the fish, but I might be able to wiggle in salad instead of chips. I have never really liked chips anyways, even since I was younger so I will be able to avoid that! There is going to be serious workout afterwards! Right now I just want to have minus calories I don't want even over 100. My maximum net goal is 100 calories from now on.

Saturday, I am dreading. Going for a meal for mothers birthday. Mushroom and spinach risotto, how many calories do you recon? I am so doomed on this day because I will get back late, too late to exercise. So shit. Limit for Saturday is 500, I will cry tears if this one meal is over 500 calories. Why? Because it is disgusting to eat over 500 calories in one sitting.

Anyways, today's events. I got my braclets take off me. I asked when I got them back and everybody around me was saying,'it's the end of the day' but then my bitch friend demanded that it was the end of the week. So once the teacher went away I just told her straight to her face,' why did you have to be such a bitch?' then she went in a massive huff like she didn't even have a come back. Then the next lesson we had together she said,' are you going to say sorry?' like she was my mother. I did apologise but I found it highly amusing when my other friends ask what for and she said,' because she called me a bitch' and looked like she was going to burst into tears. HA. I fucking hate her.

Rant over.

I'm up for a challenging weekend, must stay strong.

Bekah
Xxx

No weight change today, still same old 115! I have been so strong and it is annoying me that im not loosing faster.

I did manage to sleep a little last night, yay! But i did wake up in the middle of the night with cramp in my leg it was so sore i thought i was going to cry. I think thats my bodys way of saying, 'be nice to me' But you know what, why should i when its such a fat mess.

I actually like my mother a little today she said i looked lovely. I was wearing this pink lacy top with jeans and i felt quite good! But then i ate and had to workout immeaditly. I am working out instead of purging at the moment. That is probably just because im cutting again. I don't know why but i feel the need that i have to hurt myself to feel alive. When i purge i like having the sore throat looking at my scared fingers but i have decided to try and stop that. So i turn to cutting now my upper thigh is destroyed again. I really need to stop. It is summer, i am going to have to wear shorts at one point. But it is so addictive. I am such a freak i love my scars really, it shows me all the pain i am going through, it makes it real.

I started the ABC diet 4 days ago and i was just wondering is the limit net calories, or calories consumed? Just hope its net calories because that is what i have been going with.

I ate 290 calories today and my net is 4. Surly that means i might be a pound lighter in the morning? I hope so! 114 here i come. Then i will only be 2 away from orgional weight before massive binge week!

Going to the gym tomorrow, it will be my last time until 2 weeks time. I am doing my work exerpience for 2 weeks and i finish at 4:30 and i am only allowed to go between 4 and 5 because of my age. Maybe i can understand that because if i was allowed to go whenever and for as long as i wanted i would be in there all day!

 I swear my mini thigh gap is getting bigger! I will post progress pics when i reach 112 again! Stay strong

Bekah
xxx

The two halfs of my mind.

I was force fed 2 caramel shortbreads at dancing today, but its not too dramatic because there are only 80 calls eat. With eating them my net is 246, not as good as I had hoped but I guess sometimes you have to do these things to prove you do eat. I feel like shit now though. I cut when I got back because of eating and then I did 30 more crunches. I am really freaking out because I don't want to gain when I have just got back to 115lbs! I just wish I had purged dinner today I thought about it but I stopped myself I was quite proud but it seems I have a new addiction... I have P.E on Thursday so guess who will be changing in the toilets!

I cannot sleep at all, I have tried but my mind won't let me. I just keep thinking. Mostly about food, but not eating it. I think about how I am going to avoid it the next day, where I will throw my lunch out, what I will have for breakfast, think of a low calorie dinner. Then j will think of the exercise I will do that day and what I want my net to be. Then I move on to how fat I feel, how skinny I need to be. Then how I'm a failure that I will never be skinny because I am pathetic then I contradict myself saying I will do it I will get skinny. Then my stomach and my mind have an argument. My hungry pains are really bad at the moment. It's like my mind is split in half. One half is screaming 'just eat its normal to be hungry' then the other is like 'dont eat you'll gain weight' I go with the second half all of the time, I really hate having these arguments with myself because all I want to do j sleep and get skinny! If I got three wishes they would defo be in it.

I guess I'll try and sleep now, I doubt it though because I did eat caramel shortbread, what the hell was I thinking! If I gain weight in the morning j think j might break down.

Bekah
Xxx

I have been so good today. 186 calories today with exercise. But my mind has been everywhere. One minute happy next very depressed. I have had a stinking headache all day and I have hardly slept! I just really hate myself today more than another day. I haven't lost anything and I hate that. I just want to be perfect now.

Today is a horrible day. Don't hate on me and please don't say that I'm stupid or wanting attention because I don't. I cut the first time today in about 6 months. I felt worthless, I felt I deserved it. I haven't lost anything and I thought well this is for all the times you have binged this year, it will teach me a lesson. Now currently crying at how stupid I feel I think I'm going to try sleep. So much for being a happy and joyful month. Im such a failure.

Bekah
Xxx

Well my mother is driving me crazy as usual. When we sat down to dinner today she gave me a smile like she is happiest when i am eating, when i am getting fatter. I hate it how she has to ask me what i have ate when its a weekend. She doesnt trust me at all, well i wouldnt trust me either. But i wouldn't be stupid enough to tell her that i haven't ate anything. I managed to convince my dad who was in the house with me all day that i had ate. 'i had a peanut butter sandwich' I well to my dad and mother i did. I made the sandwich, walked past my dad who gave me 'i'm proud of you' look, took it upstairs, straight in the bin. Oh i also wrapped it up in kitchen paper so when you looked in my bin, you would never be able to tell that it was food. I wish dinner was that easy, just take it upstairs and throw it out. Yesterday was unbelievable. I said i just wanted vegetables for dinner, my dad seemed alright with it, so i was happy that he wasn't forcing me to eat lots. But then when the mother arrived home, i heard them mumbling in the kitchen, 'your supposed to give her more than that, she needs food she isn't eating' But mother i am eating, i 'eat' the sandwich you make me every day, i always tell you what i have 'ate' when you ask. SO WHY ARE YOU STILL PARANOID! What is she noticing when i clearly 'eat' normaly!

Lets forget about her now

I am having a new attitude on life from this month on ward. I am going to be in control, and no matter how i am feeling i will exercise everynight. I found this wourkout that burns 100 calories: 40 jumping jacks, 30 crunches, 20 squats, 10 push-ups. I have done this twice today so that is 200 calories gone! So have ate 549 calories today but with my -200 i am at 349, which is exellent! I haven't lost any weight. I am getting frustrated because i just want this weight to fall off immeaditly! Which is impossible of course. I really want to be 112lbs by friday, if i stay strong this WILL happen. Got news that our family is going out for a meal next friday for my mothers birthday. We were looking at the menu today and i just got so annoyed there was only one vegetarian option! So i am having spinach and mushroom risotto. I wonder how calorie filled that is going to be. Great. Mood ruined.

If anyone has myfitnesspal feel free to add me as a friend: Rebecca_28.
I also have instagram now : wanting_skinny.
Feel free to join me on both!

Bekah
xxx