Well I binged last night and purged. Fail. Anyway let's put the past behind us and start a new, again.

Can you believe that my mum actually forced me to show her my stomach last night. Then she gave me another lecture on how my so skinny, that I don't eat enough, blah, blah. It is so boring now!

I had a whole week off school. Yeah I only have one week left before my work experience. Crap, yes I just realised that I have so much course work to do for English, geography, science and god knows what else. And I only have one week to complete it! How the hell an I gunna finish all of that when I am my allowed to take it home! Oh god man I wanna be sick, this is awful. I am such a lazy bitch I really could of got out of bed and went to school. I suppose I am just gunna have to be behind. What an idiot I am.

Gunna have a lovely stressful week ahead of me. Hopefully this will distract me from food!

Bekah
Xxx

Leave me to get skinny in peace.

I wasn't even up for 5 minutes and my mother was already harassing me about what I was going to eat! 'what you gunna have this morning?' yes I had cereal, I really wished I had gotten up Later.

After being interrogated about food, my mother didn't even say anything to me. She only demanded that I eat today. Which I won't. I will make something then throw it out, I really do not need to eat I have so much flab.

I weighed in this morning at 116lbs, do I am loosing it yay! I so want to be back at 112lbs by next week. If I stick to my low calories and exercising every day, I am sure I will.

Well my cereal was 130 calories, which Is disgusting. So I did a 5 min jog, 10 crunches, 25 squats, 25 lunges, 30 jumping jacks, 10 burpees, 20 second plank. I am not sure how much that would of burned but I hope it is most of that 130. I know I haven't done that much exercise today but I still feel a bit lame.

I will make 112lbs by next Friday! I will make it.

Bekah
Xxx

I am so sorry for the three updates in one day but I have just taken some progress pic, even though I have gained weight. But I can see some ribs starting to show!! How is this possible ha! It may just be my eyes though, can't wait till I can see them properly.

Bekah
Xxx

DIg me a hole so i can die in it.

635 calories today. Over my limit i know but these parents are doing my head in. I tried to fast and i only ate soup so now they are so concerned because i haven't ate much after that. I feel weak and drained, but i swear its because of the bug i have not the lack of food. I have done this before and felt fine, so why would it make a difference now. Well since that day my parents haven't took an eye off me. I heard my dad mumble to mum in the kitchen ,'She's going to end up a skeleton' I have to say i want to be a skeleton, i do not want fat on my body. It's gross, bones are natural when flab is just gross. I don't know if i am making it obvious that i am trying to aviod carbs. 'Do you want some toast?' I will say,'No bread is heavy on my stomach so it makes it hurt' what a pathetic excuse right? She is going to force me to eat cereal tomorrow moring. She was trying to convince me to have some before bed, but that is just absurd imagine how much weight i would gain. Eating before bed is never a good thing, because you will never burn it off. So i just said that my tummy was too sore and that i would have some tomorrow. Maybe i will wake up later tomorrow, make the ceral and throw it out.

Yes i have been off school for a week. I must off missed so much, i'm not going to think about it though becuase i will just get stressed and have a panic attack or something. I honestly feel depressed. I have been stuck in this house for so  long without speaking to anybody else but my parents. That is just depressing, but the thing is i don't want to go out.
1) because i don't trust myself with food outside the house, i know i will binge.
 2) because i have no energy, i walk 2 steps and have to sit down again.
This bug must be a really mean one.

I hate my friends. Yes i did just say that. Wanna no why. Because there all bitches. Not one of then has asked me how i am feeling. Even after i had a massive break down of tears when we were walking. Oh yeah and my bitchest friend of all i just concernd about are bloody report for duke of edinburgh. She keeps on texting me telling me what i have to wright about and that it has to be in for tomorrow. OMG, I haven't even been at school, i didn't get told about the fucking report. Now she i blaming ME, for failing because i am ill. Oh yeah then she has to go on about how much work i have missed and that i am going to have a fun time catching up. Its like she is braging because she is ahead of me. Because i am normaly the smart one, so always has to win and it pisssd me off. This is what she just text me:
'shit, i'll just get the wrath of mr hill..wonderful. Especally since me and (other friend) have been left to do it all. Your gunna have fun catching up with all the work...'
Is it just me or is that class A bitch. Not one hope you get better soon. Actually that was a lie she text me saying:
'better today?'
Nit even a hello. Argh she boils me piss so fucking much. I seriously want to text her back saying 'you know what your a fucking bitch'

I am so sorry for all of the teenage drama. Rant over.

Bekah
xxx

Even my body, that makes me eat, is not feeling food. So how the helll did i binge.

After my beautiful amount of calories yesterday, i binging today. What is wrong with me! 716 calories today. I have sure not lost anything today. After yesterday i had lost 2lbs. I was 116lbs. I just know i've gained again. I can feel my body shaking because i hae had so much food. My stomach is still all weird and i still feel ill. So i don't think food is agreeing with my stomach, so i sort of hope i am sick by myself. So i don't have to purge, i like it when my body decides to be sick, when i actually want to purge. It saves me a job, sort of ha.

The rain has been unbelievable today. Its thundering and i'm not gunna lie i'm a little scared in the house by myself. The TV keeps on dying on me saying 'No satellite singnal is being recieved' Which is pissing me off. I thought well i will do some exercise then, i started jogging then almost passed out. So i guess i am just going to sit and look at thinspiration and hate myself even more than i alreay do. Have a nice day.

Bekah
xxx

Worst feeling when you see you've gained weight.

119lbs, how the fuck did that happen. You have no idea how shit I feel right now. I ate soup yesterday that is all and I am 119lbs. Last week I was 112lbs, I have gained 7lbs. How disgusting is that! I am mid fasting at the moment, I don't even feel hungry probably because I have so much stored fat that I don't need it! I can't even believe that I weigh this much. I swear that from now on I will never see that weight again. I will not give up, I will keep on loosing until my UGW of 95lbs. Oh god that seems so far away....

I have a password on my phone now, so I am keeping some thinspiration in my pictures. So everytime I have a craving I will look at those pictures and remind myself what I really want. I know the peanuts or the chocolate will seem like a good idea at the time, but what do they bring, 15 minutes of happiness, then so much guilt afterwards. Being skinny will bring days, years of happiness so why would I, do I want to eat stuff that is going to make me depressed.

302 calories today all because of the mother, it was going to be 220 but she forced me to eat a banana. Well she was trying to make me eat some toast. I refused, so we settled on a banana. I still feel so bad. My limit was 300 calories today, I feel like I have cheated even though I am only 2 calories over.

My mother is going to make me eat tomorrow, I will just say that I can't et much because my tummy is still upset, hopefully she will believe me and won't make me eat much. Therefore staying under my 400 calorie limit.

What myfitnesspal told me a great thing today. Wish 5 weeks would come fast!

Bekah
Xxx

I'm ill and fat. Yesterday i was off school, and i binged like all day i am sure i was well over 2000 calories. I am off ill again today. But today i am taking advantage of being ill and i am going to attempt a fast. I haven't had anything yet. But i feel my mother might force me to have something for dinner. So maybe i will have some soup or something like that. So can that count as a liquid fast? That will only be 160 calories today if i stay strong.

Doesn't it seem like i am ill every month? I am sick of being sick. I want to have some energy to do some exercise but i do feel like shit. I am so annoyed with my self because i am going to miss my dance class tonight.

After eating so much sweet things this past week, i have the biggest ulser ever. I can never eat anything sweet without getting an ulser. It is so sore. But i guess its just another excuse not to eat today right?

I'm now going to look at some thinspiration and watch some batman, maybe have a little cry in between. I don't think a day has gone by in the last week when i haven't cried. I feel so pathetic and fat of course.

Bekah
xxx

Wet tent, Ignored and illness

I have had one of the worst weekends ever. When we set up camp inside my tent was soaking so I had to sleep in the wet. Not only that I was I'll, this morning I had to run across the campsite to puke in the toilets. I felt and now still feel like shit. But now my stomach is just upset and I feel like I'm going to spew at any moment. Well the whole thought of being I'll and camping made me cry a lot. In front of everyone. I was sitting in my tent this morning crying while my arsehole friends were in the other tent ignoring me. Not only that but when we were walking j had to carry the tent and I could walk as fast so I was behind everyone but did hey wait for me? Nope they did they not I was lonered the whole 6 miles. I am depressed I feel so unwanted and so Ill so I am not happy at all. I havent been good with food I have been binging so much and I feel like a huge ill mess. I hate camping I never want to expience nice it ever again.

Bekah
Xxx

Downpour

I have never been in such a bad mood as i was this morning! Of course it rained on my walk. But the rain was blowing from one side so one side of me was completly drenched and the other very dry. I had my wellies on thank god, or my feet would of been soaked! I did manage to get a blister before my camping weekend as well! After the walk i had to go shopping. It was awful. People were giving me very weird looks as i was in my wellies, squeeking on the floors! I over spent my £10 budget and had to borrow some of my friends money. I had borrowing money, i always feel really bad for some reason.

My 50th post today! Wow, thats a lot. I have to say i can't believe i have stuck to this. I love blogging, it keeps me focused at times, clears my mind, lets me rant all i want about my eating disorder without people getting worried. This blog has kept me sane!

I got an iphone today! So i will be able to post using my phone, which could be interesting. Not having to delete the search history will be nice haha! Using myfitnesspal on my iphone is so much easier and quicker than the blackberry. I did have a sucky day food day today. I have sort of gave up on my skinny girl diet since i got my period. So my intake today was 780. I am not proud of this but i did walk for about 3/4 hours so i would of burned most of that!

Tomorrow i am going to see a play with my friends which is just a very hard time to try not and binge. It is also hard not to binge around my friends because they eat so much like all the time. I think my friend is so skinny that if she got any thinner she would be a walking piece of paper. I am so jealous of her, most of all because she can eat and not gain at all. Why can't i be like that! I have to stay strong and not binge. This weekend with camping i will be tempted to binge so i have to control myself. I have ate enough this week, i surly cannot be hungry. So wish fasting was easy with people around!

Bekah
xxx

Blink-182 were amazing, i had one of the best nights in a while. Exept my dad was a complete dick taking me to Newcastlem so i am currently not talking to him.

I feel like shit right now. I feel so dizzy and like i'm doing to faint. So I ate shit loads because i thought it was that. Just got worse. I might be tired or something i don't know but it is awfull.

I had my last exam today so i can have a nice relaxing night tonight. So i am just sitting on my arse in bed. Think i might get a hot water bottle and have an early night. How exciting am i! I do have my sposered walk tomorrow. I will burn calories from what i have gained over my last couple of binges. But it is supposed to chuck it down in rain tomorrow *cry* The great british summer time is so lovely isn't it! So there is going to be one wet, fat, sweaty person. I don't want to go might take advantage of me feeling crap at the moment. Try get the day off maybe.

But the lamest thing about this is that i have to go shopping for my last camping trip this weekend. Thank god it's the last one! I really hate the stress of shopping though. Mainly because i don't want to get any food because of obvious reasons and because i hate having to carry it with everything else on my back! My shoulder are going to be dead by the end of sunday!

No more revising yey! Going to bed now at half eight, this is depressing haha.

Bekah
xxx

That's Why...

Well i know why i really wanted to binge and gained 2lbs in like a day, i have my period. I really of cried. I hate this, i feel fat and more bloated than ever. I am wearing a jumper that is so big for me i could fit another peron in it, just so i can hide my stomache.

Dispite that issue, i ate 234 calories today. I really believe that breakfast is what effects my calorie intake for the day. If i eat fruit for breakfast i will always eat less than 500. But if i eat cereal everything is just mucked up and i end up eating loads for dinner instead of staying in control.

Today my grandparents came around for dinner. My oma was sitting next to me and my mum of course gave me a huge bowl full. So every now and then she would look over my shoulder and say 'your getting through it' Then when i didn't finish she was like, 'you full now?, that was a lot' I am so glad somebody else has relised the ridiculous portions she gives me. But it also pee'd me off because people were watching me eat. I hate it. I get all anxious and shaky and then when i eat it looks even more ridiculous.

Tomorrow i am going to see Blink-182! So excited. It is my first ever gig, i don't know what to expect but i'm sure it will be fantastic! So when i get in tomorrow i have to make dinner. So think i might make some soup. My mum thinks i'm going to have bread as well, but i won't. But my sister is supposed to be coming up to my house before we go, so i don't know if shes having dinner too. Which means that i will have to eat bread or she will tell the mother i didn't have any then she would flip. Argh i hope she comes when i am in the middle of eating it, so i can say i have already ate the bread. I should really be getting exicted for this concert now, not if i will stay under 300 calories.

I got a new book when i went to Edinburgh. It is called Handle With Care, it is about a girl with brittle bone disease. It is a really fantastic book. But the sister has bulimia, so triggering when i trying not to purge.

Hopefully no bread tomorrow, lets burn some calories at this gig, will be sweating like a pig!

Bekah
xxx

First time since 19th of may

I purged for the first time in 4 weeks. My only excuse is that i needed to. I am stressed and i binged. So after crying i went in the shower and purged. I have to say it is not a nice feeling pushing down the larger bits of sick that would go down the plug hole. I then sat in the shower at cried a little more. After i came out othe shower i did a 20 minute intense workout, i still feel awfull. I can't do anymore exercise because i need to revise. I don't want to revise anymore. I am sick of having my head buried in books. This weekend had been my first let up off revising and now i can't get back into it.

I think i am going to re-start my skinny gril diet since i mucked up completly this week. It will go better this time.

Argh i got so frustrated at my mum today. She was asking about what i wanted for dinner and i said i didn't want bread, pasta, carbs at all really. My sister was with us in the kitchen and she must of gave my mother a funny look. M mum then said 'shes just going through a bit of a phase at the moment' What does that mean? Has she seriously not noticed i have been fussy about food for almost all my life. I know what it is, i have become stronger, i find it easier to say no to food now than ever, so this ends up as a 'phase'. What kind of a 'phase' is she meaning. I though a 'phase' was when you became lesbian for a month. Or you decided to be a goth for a year then turn back to normal. This is not a phase. I will never stop trying to loose weight, because that is the only thing i really want. Other people might aspire to new clothes, or getting into university. I want these things but most of all i want to be perfect. I want people to talk behind my back because i am so skinny. I want people to be jealous of my bones. I want to be the thinspiration i look at everyday.

My family are complete arseholes if i am being honest. When my whole family were around for dinner my dad started saying that i didn't like eating bread or things with flour in anymore. Then my brother started saying i was fussier than his girlfriend, and all she eats is chips and sausages, which i find to be disgusting. I hated eating dinner today with my family. My sister kept on looking aver my shoulder when i was eating, like she was judging the way i cut up my food into small pieces. She would also watch me drink my water in between bites to she how much i acctually drunk. She was judging me. Everyone was. It was horrible.

I find the only time i binge is when my parents or family are not in house. And i mean propa binge. Maybe thats because i don't want them to think i'm weak. Or they might tell me to stop, when i'm bingeing the last thing i want to do is stop until i feel sick. I don't want them to think i'm going to become obese. I don't want them to see me running to the toilet to throw up. Argh really i just don't want them to know anything at all. I just want to loose weight.

102lbs by the 22nd of july. Lets go for it.

Bekah
xxx

When one skinny person ruines your mood.

420 calories today, which i am so proud of today since i went in to Edinburgh today with my dad! My calories were: Banana (95), Smoothie i was forced to get instead of water oh and also being told i was boring in the meantime (55) Apple (60) fish fingers (150) salad (60). I really didn't want fish finger today. But since i sepnt the whole day with my dad i couldn't really lie about eating loads.

I feel so good now, i feel like i am flushing out all of my binge food and starting new for about the 400th time. I really hate how i can control my intake so much better when i am not at school!

Well today, went to Edinburgh for a little shopping trip trying to forget about the rainy day! Well i felt really good this morning, very postitve about my control. I was wearing my high-waisted shorts with my american vest top. Then one stupid uber skinny girl has to be there. Argh i was so jealous of her. My mood was destroyed because of her. Since that moment of seeing her i hated what i was wearing, felt fat and gross and to be honest i wanted to go home and cry. Why can't i be like her, beautiful and perfect.

Anyways, i didn't get any clothes, i was too depressed to try anything on. So i bought the new florence and the machine CD, which i am listening to right. Now i love her voice, it's so natural, not forced at all. I wish being skinny was like that, no trouble. I also got a book about a girl with brittle bone disease, which will surely cheer me up.

Fathers day tomorrow, i guess it should of been fathers day today because i spent the whole day with my dad, the top daughter i am. He will proably go off on his bike tomorrow, i'll be quite glad really, i will be able to workout.

I think now m going to take a bath and paint my nail ect. Just to make myself feel a bit nicer. Haven't stepped on the scales yet. Think i might leave it until monday. See if i have gained, i don't think i will be surpised if i have.

Bekah
xxx

My awful day.

The binge continues. I may as well say ive been 'normal' the past three days. I really cannot deal with stress right now. My science exam went sooo bad. I did not know a thing. My history exam was on the topic i didn't revise so i didn't know any dates. It also rained today. I don't think it's stopped since i woke up. When i was in the exam i looked like i was having a seizure because i was so cold. All i could think of at that moment in time was, 'i'm burning calories, its fine'. My pen also ran out in my first exam not exam 15 minutes in to it.

Then when i got home i was so depressed i thought i would eat, it always seems like a good idea at the time right? I ate loads. Then i had to have dinner afterwards. I was ate until my body volentrealy wants to be sick. I tried purging, nothing came up because i choose to eat all the foods that are so hard to purge up. Why do i always want carbs when i binge? I even made cornansion pasta, i am still tasting it in my mouth it was rank! I really hate my self. I look pregnant again today because i am so bloated. Do i blame my binge on stress or just pur weakness. I have noticed every time i binge it is more often on a school day, its my friends being so skinny and eating whatever they like, some how i can think i can do that too. The weekend is so much easier than school because i am isolated and i don't have to eat. I really can't wait until i move out so i can just not buy anything but fruit and soup. I don't think i will ever buy carbs or sweets because i will just want to eat them.

 I seriously think i have binged so much that i don't even want to eat anymore, my body doesn't want it. I really want to fast tomorrow. How to i do this when i live in a house with parents. I don't want food tomorrow. I have to much of it in me thats why i can pull the fat off my neck and my stomache and thighs. I hate myself. I really think there should be like a constant reminder of how fat i am when i want to binge, like a mirror that follows me around. Or is that just vain? I want to burst into tears. I want to break things, i want to break this keybord and this computer and maybe something else. I really want to trash the whole house up in anger. I really want to smash my guitar up. That would be fun. Argh whats wrong with me. I don't even know why i am writing today, i am clearly not in a postive mood when i need to be. I am acctually glad i have some feeling today though, the last couple of days i have been so numb. I haven't hardly talked to anybody all week. But today i think everthing has pissed me off. I have constantly ranted all day. I am so sorry for ranting right now.

I really need some thinspo. I need to get back on the skinny train and have one hell of a ride to 110lbs. I want to be this by next friday since i totally mucked up this week.

Bekah
xxx

The day after the binge is always aweful. I had chocolate again today so i binged again! I really hate my self for it. I was walking while eating it though. As soon as i got home i did some sit-ups and lunges ect. Then i had to have dinner. Feel disgusting right now!

Skinny girl diet ain't going so well huh? Well my limit is 400 tomorrow so maybe i will be able to control my cravings. I'm not sure if i should blame me giving in on stress about exams. It's weird every time i think about exams i think about food as well. Whats wrong with me!

I was so pissed off at my dad earlier. I told him i ate a whole bar of chocolate and he said you could of got some fruit or something. Then at dinner i was saying that these veggie sausages were dry and he said why don't you have some sauce. I was like well i don't want any. Then he was like don't you eat sauce anymore? Like he was annoyed that i don't eat or something. But then like 20 minutes before he was basicly saying i was fat, then hes concerned i don't eat enough! His head is just as messed up as mine.

I have my history and chemistry exams tomorrow, so stressed. I am not ready for my science. I feel like that is all i have done for 3 nights! I can resit, but i don't want to i want to be perfect first time. So i guess i will be up late tonight revising my little ass off!


UPDATE: Just done 2 hours of hard hitting revison. You would think that now i would like to go to bed, get a good sleep. NOPE. All i want to do is look at thinspo so i don't binge tomorrow. I will NOT binge tomorrow. I need to stop or i will become more ugly and fat than i already am. After these exams are finished my main thoughts are going to be concentrated on loosing weight. I just finished logging on myfitnesspal today and it says i can be 103lbs in 5 weeks time if i still eat like this. It was a horrible amount of food today, how can i loose that much when i am binging. MIND BLOWN!

Bekah
xxx

WHY DO WE MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES!

Yes i binged today. I acctually ate the sandwich that my mother made for me today and an apple. Oh and 2 sevings of peanuts and maybe same cookies? Through in a twix as well. To round it all of i had a hidious curry. Now i am bloated as hell. I look like i'm pregnant seriously! I guess i binged today because i was minus calories yesterday. Only one day of binging should not effect your weight, well it says that on the internet. I must not binge tomorrow. Pure detox tomorrow. I want all fruit and veggies. Can't believe i've mucked up this diet already! Start over? Maybe i should just carry on and record the days i binge so i can see how often i do. I have not purged today though. I want to though. I don't think rice will be the best though, i might make noise when the parents are in, don't want to make them even more concerned!

Just a quite update today, need to revise for my chemistry exam on friday *cry*. I really want to exercise. So maybe i will give my self half an hour work out to burn some of this shit off! Ugh i feel anxious, like all shaky. Food overload? I think so.

Bekah
xxx

Progress pics?

Minus calories today! So happy with myself because the urge to binge today was unbelievable. I was with my friends in asda after school, i so wanted chocolate but i punched it in face. I won! And i don't have any calories left. I am empty, it feels amazing. So i am way off my 300 calorie limit today. Tomorrow is 400, it's only day 2 of this diet so i need to be strong.

My mum went food shopping today. I found this quite amusing because she has bought all the things that used to be my favortie foods. Muesli, peanuts, pasta, fruit bread, fruit cake. I am strong will fight this desire to eat them, i will not let her win. I know she expects me to have muesli in the morning but i will eat my fruit and stay stong.

I have a dilema. On thursday the olympic torch is coming though my town between 4:30 and 5:15. So annoying because that is when i go to the gym! So it's either go see a once in a life time olympic torch or workout? I think i might go see the torch, i might regret it if i don't.

Felt so good tonight at my dance class. I choreographed an amazing piece on tennis, but it was nothing like tennis it was gah amazing it flowed so well, best piece i have ever done. I also kept on getting compliments off my dance teacher, made my spirits so high!

Anyway my progress pictures, i really feel like theres a difference! I may not be perfect yet but i'm getting somewhere! (ignore the jamies)

Bekah
xxx

The unwritten rules of being skinny (sort of)

Today i was sitting alone with my mind and all i could think about was food and how fat i was ect. ect. Then i was thinking there are certain rules that you have to stick to to be skinny right? Well 1) eat less, if you eat les you won't gain weight pretty simple 2) exercise, pretty straightforward you need to exercise to get rid of all the flab more quickly. 3) Be cold, yes i mean feel cold, when you shivver you burn so many calories. So i guess the last one is the only one unwritten but still sticking to these tree rules must mean perfection.

368 calories today. I am cutting it close to 400 which is my limit for today. Oh yeah, today is my first day on the skinny girl diet. So my start weight from today is 112lbs, so happy when i seen this! So hopefully i will be seeing 105lbs in 30 days time.

I was recording my food intake on myfitnesspal today (which is amazing, totaly recomend) and when i finished it told me that if everyday was like today i would be 101lbs in 5 weeks time. If only, right. Ha i really want to stick to this diet more than anything. However i know there will be binges in between because i have the mothers, dad, sisters, brothers birthdays coming up this summer. Which means cake and big family meals *cry*.  Need to be postitive though, i will 101lbs in 5 weeks time!

Well this morning, there was no electric in the house. This ment a great awkward silence between me and my mum this morning. It was awful. She keeps on asking me questions, i wish i could send messages to her through brain waves because who can be arsed to talk at 8 in the morning! Well she decised to be extra annoying this morning and demand i take a sandwich to school. I didn't even get a choice, she had alreay made it before i came downstairs. Not only a sandwich she made me take but an apple too! Well these pieces of food, went into the bin. Was i hell eating that on my first day of skinny girl diet! I am acctually quite glad she is making me these sandwiches because she thinks i am eating through the day, which i'm not. But this also gives me an excuse not to eat bread with my dinner, because i have alreay had some....well in her case. Also she won't be as concerned about me and will leave me alone when i don't fnish my dinner because i would of had something else as well that day...
  To be honest i think i would rather chuck my food out that shes made for me and say i've ate it rather than trying to convince her why i don't like eating lunch. She has made that job a lot easier. However i really hope my friends don't notice me putting it in the bin. I done it rather slighly today because i did it when i put my chewing gum wrapper in the bin too.

I had my maths exam today, it went okay. I don't really want to talk about it because more i think about it the more i think i've failed.

Next exams are on friday which is History and Chemistry, gah really not a good day on friday ha. What ever happened to thank god it's friday?

110lbs by friday? Lets go for it! 300 calories tomorrow, will be a breeze when i am dancing tomorrow night!
My diet for the next 30 days:

And some thinspo:

Awkward feelings in this house

I hate being stuck in this house but these people! I've been revising all morning and my dad went on a cycle. He came back and as soon as i came on here he came into my room and started asking if i wanted to have something to eat. I swear blogging is like a jinks or something. I told him i had alreay had something. I made a  roll with some jam, which went in the bin as did some chocolate. I left the evidence of the plate, knife and wrapper lying around so they would believe me.

I hate how awkward it has been after my mum had that chat with me. They are looking at me so weird and observing my every move. It's weird, and very awkward for me anyways. Maybe i should just say to them to stop staring at me. You know that feeling when you walk into a room and everything falls silent because they were just talking about you. Well it feels like that 24/7 since last night.

So today i used MyFitnessPal to calculate how many calories i would have for today. Parents are having roast dinner so i am just having the veggies. Including my ceral that my mother made for me this morning, with loads of milk (left most of it) my intake will be 277. That is unless my mother force feeds me a yorkshire pudding. But i have 'ate' today so i hope she won't.

I can just picture the conversation when my mother comes in. 'what have you ate today?, You know i'm only concerned about you' Argh i seriously want to drop kick her in the face.

I have my maths exam tomorrow. Don't understand anything, so i will be getting a lovely F. So i better crack on revising. I really wonder when i will need vectors in my adulthood but anyway...

Bekah
xxxx

She knows...

Can you believe this. I have just got home from my sisters i had dinner and i didn't have much of course. But the bowl full was massive so it looked like i haven't ate anything. So then came the questions. 'what have you ate today?, what did you eat yesterday?' Well i ate shit loads yesterday thanksto my sister. I have strawberries, malteasers, veggie pasta and a fish fnger wrap, disgusting amount of food. So i told her, but not for her that wasn't enough. She just raises her eyes. So i think thats it so i go upstairs to come on here. A couple of minutes later she comes into my room. She sits down askes me what i'm doing. Then she says that she's very worried about me, that i don't eat enough. Then she said your going to end up anorexic. She said it, she addmited it, she now knows i have a problem. She then carried on saying the weight was dropping off me, which it clearly isn't since i am a fat pig. I denied it of course. I said it was rediculous. She then said are you annoyed at me. Well yes i am annoyed this means i can't loose fucking weight anymore! I have to fucking eat when i don't want to all because of her being 'concerned' about me.

I didn't know what to say to her really. I wanted to laugh. I said to her 'well i think i eat enough' how ridiculous is that. I really hate her for spoiling this for me. As soon as i start getting closer to my goals. Well i guess this just means i will be hiding food a lot more often and a lot more of it. This makes me wonder if she has seen my food diary or seen the toberlone in the bin? I think not or her reaction would of been a lot worse.

I can't wait to move out. Then i will be able to control what i eat without her on my back. I will be able to loose weight so much easier and quicker. I won't have rotting food in my room from hiding it. I won't have to purge unless i personally fuck up. Life would be so much easier.

I hope her having worries about me doesn't stop me loosing weight. I refuse to gain weight. It is ridiclous if she makes me gain weight. I think i would cry. I have done so well and to have it all destroyed because of her. ARGH WHY IS LIFE SO DIFFICULT!

Sorry for that. I sorta broke my pact for not swearing anymore. I think it's acceptable in this situation.

Tomorrow i am home with the father all day. I am going to try stay away from him and revise all day. This means i will be busy, too busy to have food. 600 calorie limit tomorrow and i WILL stick to that. Just downloaded MyFitnessPal for my phone. Think i'm going to like this app.

Okay i think i'm gunna go cry now. I need it out.
Bye
Bekah
xxx

Are mothers ment to be annoying?

Weight hasn't changed today. I ate about 450 calories yesterday not counting the banana i had for breakfast. I exercised after my curry, i ran for about 3 min done sit ups, lunges, squates and press ups. I doubt that i burned off much but at least it's some right?

I am going to the sisters to stay over tonight. I want to go but i don't. I hate it because she always feeds me unhealthy things, i feel bad because i am a guest so i eat it. Then i hate myself. So i am just going to eat really slowly, she eats quickly so she will finish before me, so when she finishes i can just say i'm full. I think thats a good descret plan. I am also saying i am gving up chocolate. I haven't ate it in 2 days, i think i will go for until the end of this month or forever.....

Anyways, i went on wii fit yesterday. I haven't been on since Janurary. I have lost 11lbs since then! I am so happy with that. I set a goal to loose another 10lbs in 3 months. That means i would be 104lbs! I am strong and in control so i know can make it to that weight!

My mother has been such a pain in the ass lately. Yesterday she said i was looking very slim, i have to say i was very happy with that comment so i smiled and said thank you. But then she started questioning me ' what did you have for breakfast? what did you have for lunch?, Did you eat at all today?' Keep in mind that all of these questions came at once. All i said was,'Strawberries' Maybe i should of said a sandwich or something but strawberries were the first thing that came to my head. She just raised her eyes at me and walked away. At dinner of course i didn't finish my meal, because it was a curry and has many calories. So she started again saying,' Are you sure you've had enough?, You haven't ate much?' So i said,' Chill out with the questions mum, i'm just full' So she did the same, raised her eyes and walked away.  Not to mention the cake she bought. No occasion, just for fun. I think she said me about five times if i wanted any. My excuse was my ulser, don't think i've ever been happy to have an ulser until today! I have to say i am glad to get away from the house so she stops questioning me, it's so annoying! All i want to do is loose weight without her getting in my way!!!

Oh last thing, is it normal to dream about binging on food and purging it up again? No i didn't think so....

Bekah
xxx

Hate it when i don't get to decide what i eat.

114.2lbs this morning. Not bad lost 0.4lbs yesterday. Why do i feel disapointed? I was really hoping to see 113 this morning. Oh well, i know i can do it. Today might not be the day. My mother has already prepared dinner for tonight because she i working late. I am annoyed because i didn't get to say i didn't want that and get her to make me something different and more low calorie. It is curry. I know spicy foods raise you maltabloism, but it is full of calories. So after dinner which will be about 7:30, i will have to do so much exercise to burn it off. That ruined my plans because i wanted to exercise through the day today and revise for maths tonight. If i do lots of exercise and get most of the curry calories away i might just be able to get to 113lbs by tomorrow.

I have to say i feel great, empty. When i haven't ate and my stomache aches and i can't be bothered to move i know i am getting skinny. You don't get that feeling when your stuffed full. I love that feeling. It frustrates me because i can't tell anybody that, i would probably get commited. Thats why i'm writing it on here. It was on my mind.

I wonder how many calories are in a vegetable curry. I know there are 250 calories in rice alone. I am not eating it all, no thanks. I will eat like half. She will get me a huge plate, i can see it already. I don't understand why people eat things so full of calories and aren't disgusted by it. I was watching this programme 'Secret Eaters' last night and these fat people don't understand why they are fat. How insane it that! They would eat there evening meal and then have chocolate afterwards and the some ice cream. It makes me feel sick thinking about eating all of that without being forced to! I feel sick thinking about eating that curry tonight. I am so tempted to throw it out and say i knocked it on the floor or something. That would be really crule though, she has spent her morning making it. I'm not eating it all, i don't care what she says.

Under 600 calories today? I hope so....

Bekah
xxx

Love this...

The photos lie....

I am still 114.6lbs!! I braved the scales this morning, i was dreading it! I honestly jumped up in joy! I can't believe it when i think about it. I drank full coke, had a croissant for breakfast every morning, 2 ice creams, muffins, pizza, spaggettie. The list never ends. And i am still the same weight as i was before i left! I don't understand my weight sometimes. I am going to say i would like to be 110lbs by August. That is a while a way and if i get under that earlier than August i will be extatic!

I was looking through some papers i had lying around today and i found my exam time table. I have my maths GCSE on monday! How did i not know it was so soon! I know i am going to fail, i have to get a B. On my mock maths i got 16 out of 60. SHIT! I just need to chill, take deep breaths and revise like hell!

I got tickets to see Blink-182 on the 19th for my birthday! My first ever concert! This sucks though. I have my Geography exam on the 18th and my Physics on the 20th! Why is this month so effing busy! Well i don't mind it being busy but i wish it was of nice things, not exams!

After coming back from paris there has been loads of photos put on facebook. I hate like everyone! i am wearing vest tops in most photos and my arms are just hidious! Motiviation has just kicked in! I am going to start doing daily exercises on my arms not just abs and legs! I don't understand these photos because in real life you can see my collerbones. Not in these photos, just flab. My neck even looks fat. I swear i don't look as bad as this in real life. But i must, this is just proof i guess!

It is 2 and i have had a banana and currently drinking diet coke. I am going strong. I am going to make a sandwich in a minute and 'eat' it. But not really i will though it out because if i say i haven't had anything all day, mother will flip. So i am just going to leave the dishes out. While i am chucking this food out this is a good opportunity to get rid of the toblerone insident! I am having pasta tonight for dinner and that is 253 calories. So if i count the banana it will be a total of 333 calories. Ha what a weird number. That is half of my limit for today!

I have done some exercise today i did some sit ups, lunges, squats, plank and some bicep workouts. I think that is enough for today, i am still so tired from travelling!

Have you ever noticed anorexia warning photos and it always has a girl not wanting ann apple. I don't understand this because apples are low calories. So why don't they have the girl refusing to eat bread or meat, those are the things i avoid anyways. And why is it always a girl. Boys can be anorexic too. I hate this sterotype of anorexia. I also hate how people think this is a choice and i hate it when people say i hate anorexics. Like its a choice. It's not it chooses you weather we like it or not. I hate it when i really think about what i do to myself, i feel insane. But then the thoughts pass and i am back were i started. I hate people that thinks this is a choice and when people say how do i get anorexia. ARGH! Sorry mini rant i needed out.

Anyways, i think i might go for a walk in the rain. I don't know why. Nobody is in the house and there is nothing else to do but think about how fat i am so why not do some exercise.

Heres some skinny arm thinspo (jealous) :

Bekah
xxx

Home Sweet Home

Paris was amazing. I had a wonderful time. It was so beautiful. Busy though. I don't think i've stopped the whole time i've been there. Disneyland was amazing also, got a mickey mouse teddy feel 6 again!! Many photos have been taken and there has been drama, but what do you expect when your with people 24/7.

I was sharing a room with two other girls and one moved rooms. I was glad she was pissing me off. At dinner she wasn't eating anything  (I know this sounds weird coming from me). She was saying that she didn't eat much at all. It pissed me off sooooooo much! I wanted to say to her if your trying to starve yourself your going about it the wrong way. Telling everyone is not what you want. She clearly wanted attention. Or am i just jealous that she hardly ate this whole trip and i was 'healthy' this week. She moved rooms because apparently she was being left out. I have no idea where that came from because i am not even good friends with the other girl any more.

I belive that my calorie average for being way was about 1300 calories. That is a healthy amount of food. That girl doesn't realise that if you want to loose weight you have to hide it. By eating healthy with week and bitching about her eating habbits, i don't think people have noticed mine. By being 'healthy' this week i feel as if i have finally gotten over my binging habbits. I don't feel like i am craving food anymore. That meaning i will be able to cut down quite a bit. So this week i have basicly ate breakfast some snacks through the day and i hardly ate dinner because it was shit. Well my stomache didn't like it very much lets say that. I haven't stepped on the scales from being home. I will have put on weight because i have ate a whole load of chocolate! I have now a massive ulser. It covers half of my bottom lip, it wreaks. At least this is an excuse not to eat!

What an idiot i am. I bought 2 very large bars of toberlone. I have managed to give one to the parents (last minute present) but i have ate about 5 parts of this one (aweful i know) i don't think anybody is going to take it so i guess it's just going to go out. I don't know what i was thinking when i was buying it. It was midnight and on a ferry, so i think i was a bit docile at that moment.

Hoildays the rest of this week, which means it is a great time to do intense exersice (burn all my 'healthiness' off) and skip things like lunch and breakfast. We have no food in the house as well so i won't be tempted. I will probably sleep till about 12 tomorrow anyways. I slept all day today as well. I hate travelling on the bus. It was the worst thing ever. I though i had severly injured my ass!

I haven't purged in about 2 weeks. I feel the urge coming. I will try not to. At least being away from home takes purging away from me. But being away from home means i try to be normal and i binge. Thats whats happened on my holiday in france. I need to face that fact.

There is still a road of me, i'm not going to look back on my mistakes. This binge has tought me a lesson, that is not to do it again ha. You learn from your mistakes. It's time to forget that one.

600 calorie limit until next monday. Then i will start the skinny gril diet. Until then, lets stay strong and keep it a secret!!!


That is me above at the effiel tower!

Bekah
xxx