This is like the most perfect picure ever okay.
So i have really hit rock bottom. I took 38 laxatives last night and i couldn't go to school because the pains were unbareable. So today all i have done is binge and purge to find i have some lovely scarring on my knuckles, wonderful. I also stalked tumbl and read. I just feel way too fat and hideous to leave the house. Can i just stay in this room forever?
Anyways lesson from this post is, NEVER TAKE LAXATIVES OKAY? If you do, after reading this post, i will haunt you down and turn you into a vegetable.
Erm, sorry if anyone has e-mailed me because well i can't get on to my e-mail because i've forgotten the security question, yes i'm dumb stop laughing.
What else?
I'm so stressed about my choices fo after i finish school. I am thinking of taking pschology but what else fuck i have no idea! This boy i have sort of been seeing asked to move in with me next year! OMG! Like what the hell. I have no where near the amount of money to pay for a flat, along with bills and food. Well if i moved out of my parents house, i would never eat and that is the only thing that is making me concider this. My mind is so fucked. Help!
Bekah
xxx

My scars remind me that the past, is real.

Recovery. That is my road now. I need to rcove from these 'bulimic' tendancies. This means i am going to have to eat more. I need to stop eating so low, then losing control. 800-900 calories is now my limit. It seems so high and scary. One step at a time. Of course my main objective is still to lose weight. I mean my body is still repulsive, fat and wobbly as ever. I need to stop using laxatives. The amount i've been taking has been increasing and increasing. On friday night i took 30. Pain, is an under exaggeration. I need to stop purging. I just need to stop. A healthy life is right outside but there is something big blocking the door way. I need to grab that hammer and destroy what is destroying me.
Bekah
xxx

Sometimes, i don't think i have a problem. Not when i see the girls at school comparing how much their spine sticks out, i feel just normal. But then i realise that it isn't possibly normal to have anxiety attacks about eating a small amount of food. Once i've ate, i can honestly feel the calories turing in to glyceral, holding on to my muscles, my bones burying me deep into some hole of fatness. It scares me so much, my heart starts to pound, tears start to fall. Next thing i'm on the ground doing 100 sit-ups because it is the only way i know how to get the feeling to go away, or purging. I guess i could self harm but that doesn't make any difference to the fat on my body, it's just punishment. I deserve punishment for being to weak. Weakness should be my new name. I can't seem to resist that calorific chocolate, or those salty peanuts. That is it, i can't deal with the anxiety. I completly give up with food. It is not enjoyable. Today was the closed i have came to a binge in 5 days. Today i ate 714 calories, too much. Tomorrow i will be better, tomorrow i will be stronger.

No, i'm not dead..yet. I am just positively awful at blogging!

My control over food is growing and growing. I am eventually 4 days binge free and i feel i am finally seperating myself from my bulimic tendencies. I haven't weighed myself in forever because, i am painly to scared. The last time i weighed-in, i was 112 lbs! Wow. I just want to get on the scales and see 110 blinking back at me.
So my obsession over food has grown and grown, as has some fears. I cannot let myself go over in fat and carboydrate contents now. I am closly observing the contents of every food i eat. Hopefully this will make a difference in my weight-loss.
I have also been an exercing freak! I am starting to go the the gym two times a week for about an our and a half. On top of this i am going to start water aeorbics and i now doing Zumba at school. Zumba is now my favourite exercise! It is so much fun, even if i kept on getting black spots in my vison. I am also walking home from school which is about 40 minutes! I then ave my wonderful cross-trainer and staitionary bike at home oh and don't forget my squats that i do when brushing my teet, waiting for the kettle to boil! In other words i am 'over-exercising' for the amount of calories i'm eating. In my mine, the term 'over-exercising' should simply not exist.
So calories. My intake has been around 400-700, but my net has been minus calories to about 300. Yes i do feel weak and i get light headed but none of this matters. I feel in control, i feel good, i feel empty.

So what's going on in my life other that eating disorder related shit? Well i have been getting close to this boy, but it's not offical or anything yet. But i really do like him! I have none him for about three years and we have been such good friends, i think that's why we are both so reluctant to get into a relationship.
School, has been shit as always. My GCSEs are starting and i am so nervous. I have my Chemistry re-sit on Monday and wow i don't know anything, so i'm going to be buried in books this weekend!
But what happens after my GCSEs? Oh yeah collage and of cource i have no idea what i want to do, or what collage i even want to go to. I really want to take Psychology, Photography and English. Everything else is just so stressful and i keep on having break downs. I know i need to make a decision soon but this is my future in my hands and i don't want to fuck it up like i have everything else.

I am 6 days clean from self-harm. Wow. I am so pleased with myself, but this doesn't mean the urges haven't gone away or the suicidal thoughts. But i am hanging on and trying to stay strong which all you lovely people have to do to!
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New years and didn't let these fucking eating disorders get in your way!

Bekah
xxx

That's when the beginning of the end begun.

2013 IS HERE. No more complaining, lets get off our butts and lose this weight.

I had been doing so well before new year, but yesterday and today i binged. SHIT. But in a weird way i think i needed it. The self hatred after binging is a feeling i don't want anymore. I'm stopping, i'm gaining all control back.

I need to reach my first goal. But i always seem to reach 112 pounds and can't seem to get any lower and it unmotivates me. NOT THIS TIME. I will starve and exercise until i am below!

2013 is the year i will get thin. I am being serious. Fuck food.

Bekah
xxx