No, i'm not dead..yet. I am just positively awful at blogging!

My control over food is growing and growing. I am eventually 4 days binge free and i feel i am finally seperating myself from my bulimic tendencies. I haven't weighed myself in forever because, i am painly to scared. The last time i weighed-in, i was 112 lbs! Wow. I just want to get on the scales and see 110 blinking back at me.
So my obsession over food has grown and grown, as has some fears. I cannot let myself go over in fat and carboydrate contents now. I am closly observing the contents of every food i eat. Hopefully this will make a difference in my weight-loss.
I have also been an exercing freak! I am starting to go the the gym two times a week for about an our and a half. On top of this i am going to start water aeorbics and i now doing Zumba at school. Zumba is now my favourite exercise! It is so much fun, even if i kept on getting black spots in my vison. I am also walking home from school which is about 40 minutes! I then ave my wonderful cross-trainer and staitionary bike at home oh and don't forget my squats that i do when brushing my teet, waiting for the kettle to boil! In other words i am 'over-exercising' for the amount of calories i'm eating. In my mine, the term 'over-exercising' should simply not exist.
So calories. My intake has been around 400-700, but my net has been minus calories to about 300. Yes i do feel weak and i get light headed but none of this matters. I feel in control, i feel good, i feel empty.

So what's going on in my life other that eating disorder related shit? Well i have been getting close to this boy, but it's not offical or anything yet. But i really do like him! I have none him for about three years and we have been such good friends, i think that's why we are both so reluctant to get into a relationship.
School, has been shit as always. My GCSEs are starting and i am so nervous. I have my Chemistry re-sit on Monday and wow i don't know anything, so i'm going to be buried in books this weekend!
But what happens after my GCSEs? Oh yeah collage and of cource i have no idea what i want to do, or what collage i even want to go to. I really want to take Psychology, Photography and English. Everything else is just so stressful and i keep on having break downs. I know i need to make a decision soon but this is my future in my hands and i don't want to fuck it up like i have everything else.

I am 6 days clean from self-harm. Wow. I am so pleased with myself, but this doesn't mean the urges haven't gone away or the suicidal thoughts. But i am hanging on and trying to stay strong which all you lovely people have to do to!
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New years and didn't let these fucking eating disorders get in your way!

Bekah
xxx