Goddamn those effing peanuts! I honestly cannot resist them! I really need someone to put me off them in some way! Gain control bekah!

Well since the slip up with the peanuts my net is 363, quite lame. My actual intake though is just hideous, 822! PUKE! So weak. Well since right now is almost impossible to restrict to a good level, i am calling this my, 'metabolism booting stage'. So i will be burning calories up without even doing anything! So myfitnesspal told me today that if every day was like today in five weeks time i would weigh, 100.9lbs. Really that is were i want to be, but i feel like i have ate for britian today! Well if i eat less, i'll weigh less.

I am still not getting on the scales until next friday becuase i know i will just hate myself. Hopefully it will be a gorgeous 114lbs! Or even 112, but that might be asking for too much!

I have to be strong tomorrow. My sisters birthday, more cake, FUCK! Really hate these bloddy birthdays! And to make things worse, i am spending the whole day with the mother.....fabulous. So that means, breakfats, lunch and dinner. Oh and cake. So i am planning on having banana for breakfast, lettuce and cucumber for lunch. Dinner, eat less as possibly can! Then have the smallest piece of cake ever!

I will have to do the 100 calorie workout like 5 times tomorrow night! Don't want to go over 800! URG i feel disgusting saying,'stay below 800' 800 is a huge amout of food, gross.

My new ulter-ego is Lia, from wintergirls! Now in the face of temptation i am just going to think,' what would lia do?' She would turn the mutherfucking food and get super skinny.

I got this new app which is called,'igoalinformer' Which tells you how much food ect you have to eat to get to your goal on time. So i put in my stats, and what i want to be by 1st september. It said that i have to eat 588 calories everyday to get there. So does that means overall intake or net goal? If it's net goal i really think i would be able to do it! Oh i also heard that if you go 21 days and over of giving something up you will less likely want to do it again. So that means i must go 21 days without, bingeing, purging and cutting. God, wish me luck!

Bekah
xxx

My sister didn't bring any normal sponge cake, she really went to town and got a Misspissppi mud pie. Well fuck my no chocolate is screwed up! I also had a handful of peanuts... But overall my net is 187 calories. Not bad but my intake was 760, lame, at least i burned some of it off!

I am so effing jealous of my sister! She looks gorgeous, she is so skinny! But it is annoying be because she is really trying so hard to gain it back, why would you do that! I would never purposly gain weight, it is just wrong!

Six weeks holiday now! I need to stay strong! I honestly think it's easier when i am not at school or at work to restrict! Well i have two goals by the end of the summer now, to be 100lbs and to be able to run 2 miles! I am going to go to the gym so often and just work out constantly for six weeks! I never want to be the weight i am just now EVER again!

I went shopping today and bought a playsuit, it fits but i will look even better in it when i weigh less! So my goal for next friday is to be 114lbs again! I think it's do-able, hopefully.

Sisters birthday on sunday, goddamn you cake! So that will probably mess up things. If i do plenty exercise that day i will be okay. I will not eat over 800 calories!

Okay reading wintergirls, i love it so much! But she is just so strong i don't know how she does it, i know she is a fictonal character but she must be based on a actual person. How does she do it? Totally my role model even though she isn't real. I want to be so strong that i can easily turn down a bad food, espesically when i have been restricting for ages!

My new moto, only eat when necessary! That means like only around family, so they will think i eat perfectly fine! Now that i am on holiday, i won't have to have breakfast and i will be able to fast much easier. I will just go out and say that i have had food at a friends house even if i haven't! WOOP, so glad it's the holidays! Bring on 100lbs!

Bekah
xxx

IT NEVER ENDS. Seiously what is this a month long binge? I remembered that my sister is coming over tomorrow and she is bringing cake so i was like so whats the point in being good today. WHY DID I THINK THAT BECAUSE I FEEL SO SHIT NOW!

We he wasnt having no for an answer today, i got a cupcake and some chocolate. There i go again stuffing my face with every food i can see. I was even binging on food i dont even like. I am blaming this on my period. It must be coming, i'm a week late and i am craving food like a pig!

I can seriously feel the extra fat on me, i want to purge so much. I failed and gave in so i have to start all over again.

OMG. This friend of mine started talking about self harm today. It was so awkward. I was just saying you shouldn't judge people that do that because you never know whats going on in their lives. Then he said, well it must be bad if you want everyone to think your a freak. Thanks, what a great friend he is. I am never going to tell him anything. He would hate me forever.

Tomorrow is the beginning of my summer holidays. So that means i am offically on the diet of loosing 20 something pounds before the end of august? Yes it is. So i need to be strong. Going to start distracting myself. Oh yeah i broke my elastic band, i snapped it too hard.

I need to take this diet with force, no weak links. From tomorrow, NO CHOCOLATE, NO PEANUTS, NO BINGING, NO PURGING, NO CUTTING. I think it's a fair deal. Wish me luck.

Bekah

xxx

Just carved 'fat' into my leg. I am so pathetic. I want to fast tomorrow but I cant. I am throwing my lunch out before I get to work so I don't even have to temptation. New me tomorrow I swear down that everything will change. Need to get an elastic band to snap when i get hungry. I don't deserve to eat. I want to be empty again. I don't know what I weight but I recon I weigh about 120. I'm not letting him buy me anything tomorrow, I will just scream in his face. I will be strong. Net tomorrow I want to be under 200 or even minus cals. I want to feel skinny again. Can't even feel my ribs anymore )':

Bekah
Xxx

I Purged this morning, but banana is really difficult to get up after waiting 20 mins before purging. So I only got a little up. So it was pointless. I am armed with my elastic band today. I want to be empty! I feel out of my binge phase right now. I need to stay strong! I am not giving up.

Bekah
Xxx

One more cookie, One more pound

Yes he bought me a tripple chocolate cookie today. That set off a binge, so i ate my sandwich all my dinner and some cake as well. I don't even know how to put in to words right now how i feel so i am just going to list words that decribe how i feel and hopefully it will make sence: UGLY, FAT, DIGUSTING, WOBBLY, GROSS, HIDEOUS, WORTHLESS, USELESS, PATHETIC, INSANE, DEATH, ANGRY, ANNOYED, FRUSTRATED, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, NOT PERFECT, UNLOVED, oh did i mention FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I CAN CRY FOR HOURS. WHY WONT I LOOSE ANYMORE WEIGHT? WHY CAN'T EAT ANYTHING WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY? WHY DO I CUT TO FEEL REAL? WHY DON'T I FEEL REAL? WHY AM I NEVER ENOUGH?

To make myself feel even better, my sister has lost 11lbs in two weeks, when i have gained 4. FUCK MY LIFE.

I'm sorry

Bekah
xxx

Well the friend i was talking about yesterday bought me a belgian bun today. I ate it, then almost had a heart attack when i found out how many calories it had in it. 420 calories, 420 fucking calories. How disgusting. So i started to freak out and i was pacing around and i really wanted to go purge. I didn't but i did do alot of exercise when i got home. My net is 337 today. Might do more sit up to get it lower, ill see how i feel.

Well this friend is really getting on my back. He said,'i'm worried about you' today. I wanted to ask why but i just ignored him. He then kept on teasing saying that it is funny how i am full after an apple. But that isn't the case. I coulde eat the whole supermarket  NO! I need to stay strong. Eat less, be perfect, be empty, be beautiful. Yeah that is my mind all day long. Just if some people could see inside this head they would understand.

Last night i paced around with a razor in my hand for about 20 minutes. I gave in and cut. FAILURE. So i drew a butterfly on my wrist today. This is stopping. NO BINGING=NO CUTTING. Just a little deal i made with my self.

I feel so confused today. My brain has been shook around to much. I want to sleep. This post is so random i'm sorry. Hopefuly i will be more sane tomorrow.

Bekah
xxx