Hey everyone!!

So i had a good time last night. Maybe one too many times on the walsters though! Blah but then when i got in i had a super snack attack, which then continuted this morning. Yes i am a bloated fucking ugly obese whale. I am so ashamed of what i ate.

So today i went to my grandparents house, but before hand i binged and my dad had seen all the wrappers and whatever lying around and he said. "You had a feast this morning!" keep in mind he was saying this in front of everyone. He then continued "but mind sometimes you can be right fussy" then my oma decided to butt in and say "she is just making sure she doesn't gain weight" then my grandad "yeah you really have to cut chocolate and sweets out of your diet if you want to loose weight" OMFG, like seriously they may as well of said "YOU ARE TOO FUCKING FAT GO STARVE" I mean like why was they saying this. God yes i was a bit bloated this morning...omg stop kidding my self i am TOO FUCKING FAT AND NEED TO STARVE. Blah so as of tomorrow, NO BAD FOOD. Like i mean it, i hate to know that my parania of people starring at my fat and thinking"omg she could loose a few pounds" is true. Well of course it is true, what a stupid bicth. Omg on monday i will have to stand in front of the whole class with this fatness, they will be whispering about me, how ugly and fat i am. I really want to fast tomorrow. Gah that won't happen. Calorie limit for tomorrow, 300. Maybe even less than that, 200? Yes, i will eat around 200 then burn it all off. Hopefully i won't be as fat as i am now. God yes i will, i really am a stupid cow.

So I am going out tonight. Yes I am talking my fat ass out for the world to see. I am going to the shows with a couple of friends which I like a fair? It's a back to school thing. So I am nervous. I am nervous that everyone will be starring at me because I'm so fat or judging me in some way. Yes I am a very paranoid person. One thing I am nervous about is food. I refuse to eat anything they offer/force me to eat. My intake is so good for today (190) do I want to keep it that way.

So school today was okay. Well actually I was happy! I GOT A B IN MATHS. Wow that is the best mark I have ever got in Maths. I was 2 marks off an A. Wow, wow. So I got moved up a class!! Yay!

On the subject of school, my teacher was talking today "you really do not need to worry because you will be able to resit, so don't go slitting your wrists" (everyone laughs) at this moment in time I wanted to get up an leave the class. I hate jokes about self harm. I felt so awkward because I didn't know what to do with my wrists (I had no bracelets on) so I got all paranoid thinking people would see. They didn't. But what if that teacher seen my wrists and just remembered that joke. He would feel like shit. Yes I do cut myself because of reasons like failing in class because I then blame myself for being an overall failure. Argh it just annoyed me how people laughed. How could you laugh about someone cutting them selves. God how dense are some people.

Anyways I have shit loads of homework this weekend. I have a presentation to do on Monday. I think that Is one of my worst hated things, standing in front of the whole class and talking. I always stubble on my words and look like a fool. So my weekend is filled with homework, I don't even know why I'm complaining, what else would I be doing.

A picture of what I'm wearing tonight.
Blah looking so fucking gross.

Bekah
Xxx

RANT ABOUT VIEWS ON ANOREXIA

My first day back at school today. Blah. I felt like everyone was staring at my fat....like i was a beached whale. I cannot explain how out of place i felt.
Of course i hadnt seen everyone in ages, so everyone was like "what you been up to, havent seen you since the start of summer" so i was just like "um nothing much" really what i wanted to say was "Oh yeah i attempted suicide, started cutting myself again, even though you didnt know about it the last time. I also fasted for about 2 days every week but i am still a fat whale and my scales broke. Oh did i mention that i had an eating disorder?"

God my life is just so annoying. I am totally not trusting my scales. You know the picture i posted a couple of day ago of my legs. Well in the first picture i apprantly weighed less but i weigh more now and look skinnier? And i havent been working out so, its not muscle. Maybe its just true. That i am a fat whale and never will be anything more.

So today, i heard a part of a conversation "OMG, he is so fucking skinny, he must be anorexic" I was so shocked i wanted to say something but no i didn't. So now i am just going to rant to you guys. I FUCKING WISH PEOPLE WOULD GROW A FUCKING BRAIN AND REALISE THAT EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT JUST ABOUT BEING SKINNY. BEING SKINNY IS A SYMPTOM, SO IS NOT EATING. BUT THE TRUE SOURCE OF THE DISEASE IS IN YOUR HEAD. IT IS A MENTAL DISEASE. ITS ABOUT HATING YOUR SELF SO MUCH THAT YOU STARVE TO BE BEAUTIFUL. WE STARVE TO COPE BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW. THE ONLY WAY I FEEL BEAUTIFUL IS IF I AM STARVING, EVEN THEN I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT. SO ANYBODY THAT THINKS THAT EATING DISORDERS ARE JUST ABOUT BEING SKINNY JUST GO AND COLLECT YOUR FUCKING BRAIN FROM ITS JAR. YES WE DO STARVE TO BE SKINNY AT FIRST, BUT BECAUSE WE HATE ARE SELVES.
So yes some people on instagram have been asking me "how do you not eat? Isn't it not hard" GOD, it is hard TO EAT. Also another popular question is "How did you get so skinny" 1) I AM NOT FUCKING SKINNY 2) I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. Another FAQ? "Please tel me how to be anorexic" "Tell me how to loose so much weight so fast" FUCK NO. I WILL NOT TEACH ANYBODY HOW TO FUCKING COMMIT SUICIDE, WHICH THIS IS. I WILL NOT TEACH ANYBODY TO GET A MENTAL DISORDER. I AM NOT PRO-ANA. I DO NOT PROMOTE THIS DISEASE IN ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT IS SICK. YOU WOULDNT GO AROUND SAYING "OMG TEACH ME HOW TO CATCH CANCER"
Just to clear things up, i am VENTING. I am not saying to anybody "you have to fast and eat under 500 calories a day and then burn it all off" thats just be saying what i do, how i live. And if you really wanted my disorder, fucking take it, im sick of feeling like this.

Bekah
xxx

Okay so I binged again. Blah, what a failure. So yes I cut my thigh and arm to pieces because I couldn't purge (parents are in) Gah.

Oh yeah I have school tomorrow. Shoot me now. God I am so fucking nervous I have no idea why. I have had 2 anxiety attacks tonight and I'm sorry I haven't been to the doctors about it yet, I just hate the doctors so fucking much.

So I really want to fast tomorrow but my fucking mother makes me have breakfast, which I might try wiggle myself out of.

Sleep, is impossible right now. I have to get up at 7:15 and it 12am. I'm not even tired. I have so much on my mind it's like 'brain shut up'

Sorry for my very rushed post. I really need to get around to reading all blogs sorry! So tomorrow I will post my first ever YouTube video so go subscribe to: thehauntedwithin
Okay bai!!!
Bekah
Xxx

Hey guys!

So my 24 hour fast turned into a 23 and half and hour fast since my mother made me eat before 7! Typical. We had salmon though, which is a good fat burning food and salad. Which is 190 calories. Is it sick that I think that my intake to too high? Meh.

So tomorrow is my last day of my summer! I'm so sad. I am a little nervous to get back to school because of exams. I am also nervous to see my friends, I haven't seen them in so long because well I pushed them all away. I am also terrified if they see my cuts. I havent cut on my wrist and at all since Saturday! Yay! So hopefully they won't be as noticeable.

So I am getting a laptop tomorrow! Yay! So I might actually be able to post something on my new YouTube account which you might want to subscribe to? My username is: thehauntedwithin. I also have a twitter: @nolifewithana which you can follow. And my instagram which I am never off which is: @_am_i_perfect_yet_

Bekah
Xxx

So yeah I haven't been on in ages sorry! I need to catch up on all my blogs and stuff haha! So since I haven't been on for a while I'm not gunna waffle on about that past.

So today. I binged, failure. So I exercised my butt off. Then I started feeling like I was gunna throw up and went all shaky. Then I fainted. That sucked. I still feel very blah not good! But at least I burned some cals right? Despite all this I am fasting tomorrow. Well I started at 7pm and I'm ending at 7pm tomorrow. So wish me luck.

Okay parents. My dad is an asshole. "well you shouldn't of ate so much you pig" she said while I was complaining that I was full. "you lazy cow" he said while I was saying that I hadn't been for a run today. Seriously what is his problem? Who pissed in his cereal? What did I do? I mean he just touched in 2 very sensitive subjects. About my weight and how much I exercise. So yeah he sort of motivated me to burn all the calories and then he said after I fainted "I think you need to stop exercising so much" Gah shoot me please. Can't do anything right.

Okay friends. I never look on Facebook anymore. So I decided to see what was going on. I come across a new photo album of all my best friends hanging out without me. You have no idea how shit that made me feel. Like I'm just forgettable, not fun and a pain in the arse. One more thing knocked of 'things I like about me' list, my personality is obviously shit. But them, she had the nerve to next me asking if I had done my homework. Argh.

I am going back to school on Thursday. I really don't want to go. Gah.

Random fat comparison picture of me.
Bekah
Xxx

Gah sorry I haven't posted in ages. I've been in Scotland. Just got back yesterday. Blah I don't even know what to say. I feel fat and gross. Can't sleep, can't think. Got school in thursday, lame. Sort of just want to cry for no reason at all. Sorry I just don't have much to say just though I'd remind you I'm still here!
Bekah
Xxx