My first day back at school today. Blah. I felt like everyone was staring at my fat....like i was a beached whale. I cannot explain how out of place i felt.
Of course i hadnt seen everyone in ages, so everyone was like "what you been up to, havent seen you since the start of summer" so i was just like "um nothing much" really what i wanted to say was "Oh yeah i attempted suicide, started cutting myself again, even though you didnt know about it the last time. I also fasted for about 2 days every week but i am still a fat whale and my scales broke. Oh did i mention that i had an eating disorder?"
God my life is just so annoying. I am totally not trusting my scales. You know the picture i posted a couple of day ago of my legs. Well in the first picture i apprantly weighed less but i weigh more now and look skinnier? And i havent been working out so, its not muscle. Maybe its just true. That i am a fat whale and never will be anything more.
So today, i heard a part of a conversation "OMG, he is so fucking skinny, he must be anorexic" I was so shocked i wanted to say something but no i didn't. So now i am just going to rant to you guys. I FUCKING WISH PEOPLE WOULD GROW A FUCKING BRAIN AND REALISE THAT EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT JUST ABOUT BEING SKINNY. BEING SKINNY IS A SYMPTOM, SO IS NOT EATING. BUT THE TRUE SOURCE OF THE DISEASE IS IN YOUR HEAD. IT IS A MENTAL DISEASE. ITS ABOUT HATING YOUR SELF SO MUCH THAT YOU STARVE TO BE BEAUTIFUL. WE STARVE TO COPE BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW. THE ONLY WAY I FEEL BEAUTIFUL IS IF I AM STARVING, EVEN THEN I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT. SO ANYBODY THAT THINKS THAT EATING DISORDERS ARE JUST ABOUT BEING SKINNY JUST GO AND COLLECT YOUR FUCKING BRAIN FROM ITS JAR. YES WE DO STARVE TO BE SKINNY AT FIRST, BUT BECAUSE WE HATE ARE SELVES.
So yes some people on instagram have been asking me "how do you not eat? Isn't it not hard" GOD, it is hard TO EAT. Also another popular question is "How did you get so skinny" 1) I AM NOT FUCKING SKINNY 2) I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. Another FAQ? "Please tel me how to be anorexic" "Tell me how to loose so much weight so fast" FUCK NO. I WILL NOT TEACH ANYBODY HOW TO FUCKING COMMIT SUICIDE, WHICH THIS IS. I WILL NOT TEACH ANYBODY TO GET A MENTAL DISORDER. I AM NOT PRO-ANA. I DO NOT PROMOTE THIS DISEASE IN ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT IS SICK. YOU WOULDNT GO AROUND SAYING "OMG TEACH ME HOW TO CATCH CANCER"
Just to clear things up, i am VENTING. I am not saying to anybody "you have to fast and eat under 500 calories a day and then burn it all off" thats just be saying what i do, how i live. And if you really wanted my disorder, fucking take it, im sick of feeling like this.
Bekah
xxx
No one was staring at your fat. They were staring at how pretty you looked. <3
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