Well I really picked the worst time to start ABC because it was my dads birthday. Birthday=cake. I hate myself. I say this way too often.

Well today I was trying to be good at restricting but my friend was being all weird when I only had an apple. In my world an apple is a big deal. 55 calories do not get just an 'only' that's bloody loads! The he asked, "why don't you eat?" I didn't reply. The. He said,"why are you starving your self" well he seriously just said the truth right? Well I don't even know of he was asking me directly because he says these things but doesn't look at me or will not say anything when I don't reply. I didn't say anything back, maybe I should of. We then went to his mums shop he then told her that I had only had an apple, she then started saying,"that's not enough you must eat more" I just said I wasn't hungry. We then wondered around the shops and he was demanding that he bought me something to eat, I kept on rejecting starting to get a little pissed off. He eventually bought some candy sticks. I then ate my goddamn fucking sandwich because he was doing my head in and I thought that news would eventually spread to my mother that I hadn't ate anything so I just did. But then he still force fed me candy sticks,"I will hate you if you don't eat these" so I did. Crying on the inside. Well that flipped to binge switch. Ate a lot at dinner ate a lot of cake. Then I cut a lot afterwards. I hate this.

When he asked me why I didn't eat I was really tempted to tell him. What would he listen? Would he care? I didn't but I was bored in the office today so I wrote everything out on a piece of paper of what I wanted to say. I then stumbled it up and put it in the bin, because that isn't me I don't want to be this person.

Sorry for the depressing post. Hopefully the mood will lighten by tomorrow.

Bekah
Xxx

Today started off well, melon (33) then i had a latte for lunch (80) then i headed to my sisters. Well she was ill and skinny but she still manages to make effing tuna pasta for her fat sister (288) Gah fuck you calories! She then made me eat crisps (170) Then i had dinner, i managed to persuade the mother to only give me lovely low calorie vegetables (107) I then did exercise which brought my net to 473. My limit is 500 so i guess i just managed to get under. I am going to swap tomorrow with a high calorie day because its my dad birthday, therefore cake. Gah i hate birthdays, i hate cake. Hidious calories.

I cried last night. I stepped on the scales, 116. I hate you scales. I wanted to take a hammer and smash them to pieces. 2 pounds i gained, what a weak fat girl. I refuse to ever get this weight again. I want to be 110lbs by the end of this month. I have 6lbs to loose and 16 days to do it. If i am strong i will be there. Weakness cannot be an option.

My mother told me that i am a good weight today, and practicly begged me not to loose anymore. I felt like screaming in her face ,'I FUCKING GAINED 2 POUNDS YOU CRAZY BITCH' but i didn't i just said,'i'm not even trying to loose weight mum' Well thats the biggest lie i've ever told. Loosing weight controls my whole life.

I also got a compliment off my sister today saying i looked nice. I felt far from it, i felt rather large and wobbly. Even though my size UK12 jeans are huge on me i still felt massive. I cannot belive i used to fit in to these jeans! My size UK10s are starting to get big, so thank god. I want to be a sold 8 by the end of this year. Really by the end of this year i would love to be 100lbs. Is that possible? Well i'm gunna try for it.

I cut on my arm last night. So much for stopping. I cannot control it anymore i have to do it every night. My mind is screaming JUST STOP. Then i cry and cut more. I am falling apart and i don't have glue to stick myself back together.

Bekah
xxx

First day of ABC has gone well, my net is 247 calories. I am thinking i might do some exercise to get into minus calories. I have been so strong today. My downfall peanuts, my mother bought some probably expecting me to eat them but i turned away and declined! Well i came upstairs, i removed myself from the tempation so now i don't really give a shit about peanuts but when there right there, argh i just cant help myself!

Im going to see my sister tomorrow, so i will be the big sister for the day looking after her! Were going to watch films all day! Which is nice but that means im gunna have to do little exercise when i could of been running or something. Oh well.

I am so nervous for monday, becuase i have to phone people for interviews how stupid is that. But i hate speaking on the phone but what i hate more than speaking on the phone is other people listening to me on the phone. Which will happen becuase i am in a rather large office! Why do i get so anxious over nothing!

I'm sorry i cut today, because i really hated myself. I felt so numb this morning like so dead. I didn't feel real at all. Well i'm 0 days clean. Such a failure, so weak.

I starting reading Winter girls, it is amazing! I love reading it because it reminds me of me, i can relate to it. To be honest i'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. If you haven't read it, do it is great!

Stay strong and no effing peanuts!

Bekah

xxx

New beginnings

My sister has been ill for the past week. She looks so sad and it makes me depressed. I hate seeing her ill, her bubbly happy self is just dead. I really want to have a magic wand to make her better, where is Harry Potter when you need him! But the worst of it is, she has lost so much weight and i am jealous. I am so sick and very inconciderate. I can't believe that because she has lost weight i have now jumped out of my binge phase and am back on track to my GW! What a bitch i am.

Well i have set a goal for September. To be 105lbs. I am going to start ABC tomorrow for the 1 millionth time! I am going to be strong. I will not let the weak me in. The cutting has to stop as well. If i stick with my limits, there is no reason to cut.

Going for a run tomorrow morning, to start off the new diet and successful weight loss.

Bekah

xxx

Okay i think i am never ging to be able to get out of this massive binge week. I have had a stomach bug for a while which is just not going away, so everytime i eat something it just comes out. So i'm like are these calories even being processed? Because i am so effing hungry even after ive eaten lots. So ive been eating like a normal person, and i still feel hungry. I don't know if i have gained but i probably have. Argh i just hate this. I want  to be strong but it seems so far out of reach.

My cutting is getting worse, now i am purposly eating because that is a reason for me to cut. I need to cut to feel real, i feel like im in a dream world. Im in my little binge world i just havent woken up yet. I havent even exercised for 3 days! What the fuck has happened to me. I am not stepping back on the scales untill i have gone a full 2 weeks of successful restricting. Which will start tomorrow.

Omg today i was trying to be good. I was eating a sandwich for lunch, yeah weird eating lunch, anyway i was moaning on at my friend, who was eating a pasty. Saying that i was being healthy and that it was disgusting that he could eat that, well it is so many calories. So then he said,' you act like your all healthy but i bet when you get back home you eat lots of pies, haha' I was so pissed off, so he just told me i was fat right? He said it to my face that i need to loose weight. Argh i am not sure weather to be pissed off at him or thankful that i have a reason to loose weight.

I must be getting my period, seriously the cravings for food are unbearable. But i never know anymore when they are going to come, or not. I just want to have control and it seems so impossible right now. I am so pathetic, so weak and worthless.

On a higher note, my photograph is in the newspaper this week! Its on page 3 LOL! I feel very proud. I really want to do photography as a job, its amazing!

Stay strong and don't follow my footsteps because they are in the sand and will just be washed away.

Bekah

xxx

I just ate a chocolate cake. I cannot express the hate I have for myself right now. It's weird when you binge. Your like in between ana and normal. There is no way your normal because who eats a chocolate cake, Danish pastry, Kitkat and a twix in one sitting. But there is no way you are anorexic because you are just too fat. So in between, does that mean in between is obese? I think so. So therefore I am obese. I am a fat pig and I deserve to die. I am going to burn calories now, I recon 1000 will do.

Oh I didn't throw out my lunch today, I ate it like I was hungry or something... What a failure, such a weak failure.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning very strong minded about being strong and not cutting, no food no cuts. But then as the day goes on I will eat one thing and automatically think I must cut. Argh why am I so messed up!

Here's a picture of the fat disgusting obese me before I went out on Saturday and the cake I just ate, I actually feel sick looking at it

Bekah
Xxx

Last night was one of the worst nights ever. We got to the resturant and the meal came. I was so nervous i was shaking, my hands were sweaty i felt awfull. I started to eat, taking little bites, drinking in between. Then the questions started. ,'is that nice?' ,'what is it like?' 'you like mushrooms don't you?' I then started to feel ill and i just wanted to cry, i wanted to burst into tears because i had to eat. I got up and went to the toilet while everyone was eating, because i had to clear my head i had to calm down. I wanted to purge the two bites i had eaten. When i got back to the table everyone started asking if i was okay. I said my stomach was upset and i didn't feel well. It worked! I took another bite and my mother said,'you don't have to force it love' OMG my mother told me i didn't hae to eat! I must of looked like shit because of the nervs. So i didn't eat my dinner last night, yay!

My fast didn't happen today, i had to go to my sisters for dinner so she forced food at me.  I have re-started the ABC diet. Day one is limit of 500 calories. My net is -73. I am in control.

I haven't stepped on the scales yet, i'm not going to until friday. And hopefully i will she the gorgeous number of 110!

Work exerpience tomorrow, i haven't though of a way to get rid of my lunch yet. I will figure it out surely.

Mothers birthday tomorrow, i am praying that nobody buys her a cake. That is an indulgence i really do not deserve.

Bekah
xxx