Today started off well, melon (33) then i had a latte for lunch (80) then i headed to my sisters. Well she was ill and skinny but she still manages to make effing tuna pasta for her fat sister (288) Gah fuck you calories! She then made me eat crisps (170) Then i had dinner, i managed to persuade the mother to only give me lovely low calorie vegetables (107) I then did exercise which brought my net to 473. My limit is 500 so i guess i just managed to get under. I am going to swap tomorrow with a high calorie day because its my dad birthday, therefore cake. Gah i hate birthdays, i hate cake. Hidious calories.

I cried last night. I stepped on the scales, 116. I hate you scales. I wanted to take a hammer and smash them to pieces. 2 pounds i gained, what a weak fat girl. I refuse to ever get this weight again. I want to be 110lbs by the end of this month. I have 6lbs to loose and 16 days to do it. If i am strong i will be there. Weakness cannot be an option.

My mother told me that i am a good weight today, and practicly begged me not to loose anymore. I felt like screaming in her face ,'I FUCKING GAINED 2 POUNDS YOU CRAZY BITCH' but i didn't i just said,'i'm not even trying to loose weight mum' Well thats the biggest lie i've ever told. Loosing weight controls my whole life.

I also got a compliment off my sister today saying i looked nice. I felt far from it, i felt rather large and wobbly. Even though my size UK12 jeans are huge on me i still felt massive. I cannot belive i used to fit in to these jeans! My size UK10s are starting to get big, so thank god. I want to be a sold 8 by the end of this year. Really by the end of this year i would love to be 100lbs. Is that possible? Well i'm gunna try for it.

I cut on my arm last night. So much for stopping. I cannot control it anymore i have to do it every night. My mind is screaming JUST STOP. Then i cry and cut more. I am falling apart and i don't have glue to stick myself back together.

Bekah
xxx