Okay i think i am never ging to be able to get out of this massive binge week. I have had a stomach bug for a while which is just not going away, so everytime i eat something it just comes out. So i'm like are these calories even being processed? Because i am so effing hungry even after ive eaten lots. So ive been eating like a normal person, and i still feel hungry. I don't know if i have gained but i probably have. Argh i just hate this. I want  to be strong but it seems so far out of reach.

My cutting is getting worse, now i am purposly eating because that is a reason for me to cut. I need to cut to feel real, i feel like im in a dream world. Im in my little binge world i just havent woken up yet. I havent even exercised for 3 days! What the fuck has happened to me. I am not stepping back on the scales untill i have gone a full 2 weeks of successful restricting. Which will start tomorrow.

Omg today i was trying to be good. I was eating a sandwich for lunch, yeah weird eating lunch, anyway i was moaning on at my friend, who was eating a pasty. Saying that i was being healthy and that it was disgusting that he could eat that, well it is so many calories. So then he said,' you act like your all healthy but i bet when you get back home you eat lots of pies, haha' I was so pissed off, so he just told me i was fat right? He said it to my face that i need to loose weight. Argh i am not sure weather to be pissed off at him or thankful that i have a reason to loose weight.

I must be getting my period, seriously the cravings for food are unbearable. But i never know anymore when they are going to come, or not. I just want to have control and it seems so impossible right now. I am so pathetic, so weak and worthless.

On a higher note, my photograph is in the newspaper this week! Its on page 3 LOL! I feel very proud. I really want to do photography as a job, its amazing!

Stay strong and don't follow my footsteps because they are in the sand and will just be washed away.

Bekah

xxx