Blood when purging, WTF?

I am never going to write that i am back on track on this blog ever again. It just leads to epic failures!

Peanuts, was my downfall. I tried to purge them up, some did come up but something else did too. Blood. I was really freaked out. I wasn't sure if it was blood so i tried again, more peanuts and put and so did more blood! The next day my throat was really sore, its stil sore now. Why did this happen? What did i do wrong?

That however did not put me off peanuts today. I had more along with a kitkat chunky! I wanted to purge so much. I didn't. I purged in a different way and done exercise! I went on just dance so an hour and really went for it along with 5 minutes of ab workouts (crunches, pulses ect.) and a plank for 30 seconds. I know i won't of burned much off but at least it's some right?

Tomorrow i am planning for a full day of revison. FUN! This will distract me from food, i hope.

I haven't got on the scales since thursday. Too scared i suppose. I don't want to cry today.

It's about time...

117.1lbs! I have finallyy lost something! My liquid fast went soooo well! I had a smoothie and about 5 cups of green tea and of course lots of water! I honestly feel this time that i am back on track. I even thought about food today about what i would eat for lunch and i just thought, ' i don't want to eat that i dont need it' I didn't even need to talk myself into thinking like that i just did. My mother is making curry tonight, i really do not want it. I think i will try eat all the vegetables in it and a couple moth fulls of rice, since i'm still 'ill'.

Sometimes, when i'm eating something that is high calorie i wish i will get food poisening or something. Thats weird yes but that means that my body doesn't like it so i have an excuss not to eat it anymore. It also means that i don't have to purge myself, so i don't feel guilty and i will also loose all of those bad calories. Everytime i eat something like that i wish that i would just spontaniously throw up without having to do anything. If only...

Got my german speaking exams back today (yes, i managed to move my lazy ass to school) I got an A!! So fucking happy!!!!! BUT i have a chemistry revison session tomorrow after school, boring!! I need to go or i'm going to fail, i really don't want to though. Who thought of having a revison session on a friday afternoon! All i want to do then is go home.

Lazy weekend this weekend i think! One of my friends wanted to camp out. IS HE FUCKING INSSANE? Just got back from camping and were camping next weekend aswell. I think i want to saver the comforts of my bed this weekend!!

Staying Strong and finally loosing some fat, 115 by monday? I can do this!!

Off school again today. I feel so unbelievably tired! I haven't slept proberly for about 4 days! I really needed today off to get myself together. So taking my tiredness to it's advantage, i am going to liquid fast today. Being 'ill' makes it easier to not eat when people are watching.

I have been in such a depressed mood lately. I have been crying everynight before i go to sleep. I hate being so emotional it's driving me crazy!

525 Calories today! So good after this weekend! I was loving the feeling of my stomache rumbling today! When it was lunch today, i didn't even look at someone elses food and want it! This is probably because i am at square one once again! I will not bow down to the damands of food!

Which brings me on to tomorrow. I am staying after school to write my report about my camping trip. I have dance tomorrow as well. So, i'm not going home.. Which means, i can have like nothing for dinner!!! I am with friends though, which means i will have to eat something! I need to get some things that are low calorie. I think i may get a punnet of strawberries and some other foods. They will probably get chips. I will not eat chips. Gross and all chips lead to is fat!!! Dance tomorrow, so i will burn lots of fat off that i probably gained this weekend. I haven't got on the scales, i am scared i will cry if i do. Therefore avoiding them until friday...

300 calorie limit tomorrow? I think so. I can do this!!

After my camping trip i have been knackered. I thought i had a blister on my little toe, nope i had split my nail. Yes it hurts, fuck loads!! I really don't know how i didn't notice! I have been hobling all today! I hope i can dance tomorrow night! I have a show in two weeks.. Also in two weeks is my birthday! I'm not even excited, what a lame ass i am haha!

My Weekend...

Was depressing! I am soooo fucking tired. I got ZERO sleep on friday night and i walked about 8 miles on saturday! Camping is so hard. It was my first time, so i guess i will just have to get used to it! Today was the worst, carrying all of my stuff inculding tent ect. My shoulders are fucked up! I am so weak it's pathetic. Other than the walking part and the sleeping in the minus temperatures it was okay. I had quite a good time with my friends, we had a laugh!

Food this weekend has been aweful for me. Ha what a surprise since i have a lot of control when hungry and could eat for 20 men and have walked so far and haven't slept! Friday, 745 calories. Not bad eh? Saturday, 1543 calories. Fucking aweful. I must of burned a few of those off but i don't care. I was trying to take control and not have pudding. I had already had soup and a pot noodle but i was forced to eat pudding. I walked though to the kitchen to put my empty pot noodle in the bin, one of the teachers was in the kitchen. 'Is that all you have had for dinner?' Yes i said, very confused. She then started on me! She said things like,'you would of burned of so many calories today'  yes, the probelm with that is..,' That means you will only will have ate about 500 calories today, that is not enough, your starving your self' i though, Yes i know that. I eat 500 calories a day to loose weight, have you seen how fat i am!! But instead i said,' I'm not hungry, I've ate loads, I don't need much food' What a doylum right? She fired back at me,' You must eat something else, eat this (hands over doughnut) Go though to the tables, i want to see you eat that!' WHAT A FUCKING BITCH! I took almost 15 mins to eat it. When i finished what did she say? 'Well done' WHAT! Why do i deserve a praise for that! So of course after having the taste of fatty foods in my mouth i binged! On several things! Argh i hate teachers! Sunday, 1200, not as bad but still bad. I came home today, there was left-over chinese in the fridge, I wolfed that down along with some chocolate and a backwell tart and apple crumble afterwards! Lets forget about this weekend yes?

I am not going to bed, i have never been so excited to go to sleep before!! My limit for the whole week is 500 calories. I will weigh myself on friday. Lets see how many pound i can loose!

Hate stress over food. Went shopping for my camping trip tonight! I am so stressed. People are so annoying. I keep on offering nice low cal things like soup and rice cakes. Nope we ended up with, pot noodle, soup, bread, cheese, crisps, millions of sweets that include chocolate! Argh i really am dreading this weekend. Why? Because i know i will binge. I need to keep thinking skinny. Walking 10 miles for two days and only eating 600 calories would be fantastic but i know its not going to happen. I need to be postive! I will eat my pot noodle and my soup. I will eat any fruit or vegetables that we have. I will ONLY eat 3 crisps, 3 bites of chocolate, and a hot chocolate drink. This looks like i am normal and not avioding the junk food all together, but being in control and trying to very hard to keep my cal intake low!

Today 616 calories. Having family around means it's hard to not finish dinner, cannot be bothered with the critsims! When my mum was putting out dinner i was supervising what she was putting on my plate. My oma decides to come through and she's looking at my plate, which is so full you couldn't possibly get any more on and said 'Thats a good platefull, will put some fat on you'
Never been so happy in a while! She thinks i'm skinny!! So it is noticable that i am loosing weight!

Odd how the number on my scales is staying the same but everyone is saying i look thinner. I even feel thinner. I was looking at my legs today and they looked a lot slimmer than usual! I blame the scales, i don't think there working properly. They probably are, i'm just hoping.

It's going to be a tough weekend, need to stay in control. I am the only person that can make me skinny.

Well i acctually haven't ate anything today, I am minus calories. I ate 485 calories today but i did an hour and a half of dance, that burned 687 calories! Much stronger day than the last couple weeks have been. I acctually feel weak, this makes me happy i now know i am getting skinnier. I have had a massive headache all day i want to crawl in a hole! This is probably because we were discussing what food we need to take for the camping weekend, unbelievable stress! I am going to buy food so i will be able to pick out all the low calorie things. I need to stay strong this weekend, or i'm just going to gain shit loads of weight. They were talking of getting 3 tubes of pringles, i wanted to cry when i herd this! It makes me sick!

Speaking of sick i purged today. I purged up my pasta that i had for dinner, i had told myself that i was only going to eat half but i ate it all. So it had to go, made me feel a bit better. I am unsure if this is normal after purging but i am always shaky.

Grandparents are visiting tomorrow. I will be glad to see my granddad he started chemo last friday, so i hope he's not sick. My sister is also coming round, so i need to keep control of my calorie intake.

I had my art exam today, i thought it went quite well! Surrealism isn't a strong point but i drew some mutated hands and a tap, hope it gets me some good marks!
I got my geography results back today, i got a B! One mark of an A i was devistated. I hate being me sometimes, nothing is never good enough.

Veggies, when i calculate my cal intake i always count them, but loads of people don't. I feel like i'm cheating if i don't count them, but are they just negative calorie foods? Not counting them would make me feel a lot better since i am a vegetarian! I have officaly stopped eating fish. My mum was trying to make it hard for me since all she bought in the shopping was fish. I just refused, i think she got the point!


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