Damnit!!!

Well today i wen out with a couple of my friends. We were just hanging about the town because its a bank holiday. We went into a cafe, i was strong and i didn't have anything. BUT, afterwards both of them were saying i think you should get something to eat you haven't had anything. Yes i used the classics, i'm not hungry, i've had food before. NOPE, they weren't having it. We were in a shop and they said, we're not leaving until you buy some food. So i bought some chocolate. 400 CALORIES! FUCK! I couldn't believe it .
  So after being forced to buy food i had to eat it. I was almost crying! I didn't enjoy it at all. All i could think of is how do people eat this without realising how much fat is in it!! My day in total came to 804 calories. This is my porridge, wishing i got up earlier (154) Chocolate (400) Soup (250) I though i saved myself by having leftover soup for dinner. My dad is never as bothered as my mum is about how much it eat at dinner time. Maybe he sees how fat i am!
  School again tomorrow, so it will be easy to get under 600, well i hope it goes well anyways. I have an art exam tomorrow so thats most of my day doing that, so it will go really quick, thank god.

A while ago i posted about a bitch of a friend i have, well i haven't been out with her in like 2 months. I went out with different friends today and had quite a good time despite the chocolate incident! I am moving on and getting much better friends than that selfish bitch.

I have been posting quite often recently, boredem probably. But i like having this blog to just tell the world how i feel, it really clears my system. It's better than crying in the shower, which is what i did before! Blogging so often helps me get around terrible cravings aswel!

Porridge for breakfast, curse the mother!! She had already made for me when i came down this morning! So i am pre-planning my eating days from now on. So porridge (154 cals) I am stuck in the house today with my dad so he will probs make soup or something for lunch (250 cals?) Thats 404 calories already! I have no idea what will be for dinner but if i only have a few bites of whatever it is i must be able to stay under 600!

This band 'The Word Alive' i have just started listening to are amazing. Some of their lyrics really spoke out to me, so i'm sharing them with people that don't know them, maybe you will feel the same too.
      ' All the shame, all the pain that you have caused... 
       My heart can't beat (my heart can't beat).
      All the fights, all the lies you put me through....
      It's your disease'

Inspiration for the thigh gap....

Staying Strong 
xxx

Something to stop those cravings!

Curse those peanuts! I hate having a addiction to them! Eating them made my cal intake higher than i intended...783. Still under 1000 which i am proud of!

I am a bit of a geek i have to admit! I watch wrestling as in pro quite often! Me and my sister watch it and we've watched since really young. I was watching it today and i don't normaly watch the female matches but today they really inspired me! They were sooooo skinny and pretty and confident, that is exactly what i want. No, i don't want to be a wrestler but i do want to as skinny as they are. This really gave me a slap in the face to get out of my binging habits!!

I am planning to eat belvita breakfast biscutes for breakfast. They are 53 calories each and i will only eat two. I will eat nothing for lunch when i'm at school and when i am off i will just have fruit like an apple or something. For dinner i will have eat whatever the mother gives me but if i be fussy enough i should be able to stay under 600 calories. I am also dancing on tuesday and going to the gym on thursday. That means on Wednesday i will have to do exercise in the house. I will be walking all weekend, so thats an exception. I hope to loose 2lbs this week. I am still 118lbs *cry* but i can do this. I have a new frame of mind now. And no fucking peanuts!!!!!

This is happening way too often...

 Binging. WOW, what a surprise since i have so much control these days. I don't even want to list what i have ate, i am so disgusted with myself!  I did try to purge it but while i was trying to get up some awefull waffer thing i ate my parents walk in! So yeah didn't get it all up and now i'm a fat pig! I knew this would happen. You know when you wake up one morning thinking what your doing is stupid that you will binge and feel sooo guilty afterwards.I HATE MYSELF! I hate needing to purge after i have ate loads. ARGHHH! Nothing is ever simple! I need to get out of being bored and eating shit loads. I really need to snap out of it! How? I have no idea because if i don't i will gain A LOT more than 2lbs if i carry on this way. HELP! I am sick of saying to myself, i'll start again tomorrow. I will start restricting again tomorrow with a limit of 700 calories. I need to find some ways to crub my cravings, if not i will become a fat ass! Soup tomorrow i think and rice cakes! Staying strong is harder than it seems!

Hanging out with my sister today. I can feel the bing coming on already! I need to plan. My parents are away tonight, so if i get my sister not to make dinner i will just skip it out tonight. I know she won't though. Argh i just wish this was easier than it is! I binged last night surpise! I cannot help myself when it comes to peanuts! I have a serious attiction to them! I need to stop. My calorie intake yesterday was 945 yesterday (aweful) So i need to control myself today.

Yesterday i made a mistake by saying something in front of my parents yesterday. We had just finished dinner and this fat girl came on the tele and i said 'Thats enought to put me off food for a year' SHIT! After that i was also complaining that i wanted my stomache to be flatter. SHIT! Now all i have got after my episode is 'Your not fat rebecca, You don't need to loose weight' FUCK OFF. Yes i do! I want to just break down and cry. When i binge i just feel like i block out what the amount of calories i'm eating and i forget how fat i am. I need to think about what my weight is when i want to binge. That will stop me! That is all i'm going to think out today. 118,118,118 FAT,FAT FAT!!

388 calories today!!! WOOP! So happy. I have been to the gym today and ran 3k! So tired, that is the furthest i have ever ran i am so happy. I also was on the bike for about 15 minutes and x-trainer for the about the same. So i burned off my breakfast, YASS! So to keep up with my great day i had some noodles for dinner which are super low cal for a full meal (292) I also had some fruit salad and a tiny bit of ice cream( 42+55) I am overall happy with my day!

BUT, that is the only good part about it! I failed my maths exam today, i didn't know anything on the paper, thank god it was just a mock! I also had science, but i didn't do too bad on that one. I am surprised since i fell asleep last night with my books all over my bed! Physics tomorrow, fucking great! Really cannot be arsed with that. Just want the weekend to come now!!

I also found out i am camping next weekend for duke of edinburgh! SHIT! I have never camped before, so it will be interesting. We have a £40 spend limit for food, so that means i can just say to people that i'll eat less so everyone else can have loads of food. I will burn so many calories that weekend because i am walking for two days! So, this weekend i am really going to just chill out, hang out with my sister (hopefully not binging) and not stress about my art exam on tuesday. But thats the last one thank fuck!!!

Why am i posting this?

This always happens when my sister comes for dinner. I binge. I had some cake. Gross. I feel awefull, i have been doing good. Under 600 untill today which is 730. Not bad concidering i had cake, but still, if i want to loose weight cake isn't going to help.

 Yes, i am depressed. Exams all this week and i have a maths and chemistry tomorrow. I just don't care anymore, i haven't even started revising yet.. I should but maths and science are my most hated subjects so i have zero motivation.

Now the bad part, these pictures are so i can see my progress. I will post a picture every week to see if i have lost weight because sometimes it's hard to tell. These are also a great reason why not to eat! Don't have cravings any more haha....