Rant

Argh I fuming hate the mother right now. I hate her because I was having salad for dinner and she asked if I wanted a roll, I said no. She asked me again but basically demanded that I had it. She then asked if I wanted butter, I said no. Well guess what she put fucking butter on it. She said 'I forgot haha,' I was so annoyed and I then I heard her saying to my dad 'I knew she would notice' Erm what the fuck. Then my dad said 'it's only fucking butter get over it' omg it is more than butter, I am on the verge of tears because of butter. Argh.

Well I had a horrible night last night. I finally got to sleep at 6:30am. Yay! I fucking hate my life right now. I want to cut, I'm going to cut. I don't fucking care anymore. Fuck recovery.

Maybe a picture or my disgusting legs? Don't judge.

Bekah
Xxx

I havent been on for a while sorry! But this 2468 diet is going very well! I am 184 calories today! So happy i was so strong. I feel so empty and skinny right now!
Maybe i might even see 116 by the end of the week!
But i am going on hoilday with the family next week. So that just means FOOD FOOD FOOD. Fuck my life. Afterwards im gunna fast. But this holidy is like a hike up a mountain holiday so i will be burning a few cals.
Can you acctually believe i am concidering taking my razors with me, so pathetic.
Sorry i dont have much to say, well i havent really been doing anything really. Oh yeah the docotors, i didn't go. I told my mum i was feeling better that i didn't need to go. I guess i freaked out.

Bekah
xxx

Yesterday I had a falling out with my dad. Like I got so pissed of with home for no reason! So today he decided to make it up to me and he took me to Edinburg!! I had such a lovely time! I got some new CDs and a movie 'girl interrupted' ive heard it's about depression so it might help me realise I'm not the only one...
But that isn't the best part! I went to see the dark night rises! Omg it was fucking awesome! Yes I have this weird obsession over batman, but who cares! I love being a geek, it's way more fun! So we went in at 1:10 and came out at 4:20 so it was pretty long haha. I had a numb bum, ouch!

So today went well! Cal intake 616, so I succeeded my limit for the 2468 diet, remember I am doing it backwards just because I am that crazy! Really that is a good intake for a day out with a parent! Woop! So tomorrow limit 600 cals. Mother is off work but I am sure I will be strong!

Gunna get into my Jamie's now and listen to my new CDs!!

Bekah
Xxx

Well the binge hasn't stopped. I can feel the extra fat on me, layers and layers of it. Even my neck is fat, no joke. But I binged this morning and I purged (sorry) and now I feel more in control, maybe that is because I purged. Anyways, I do feel a lot more positive.

Yesterday, though was a disaster. I cried in front of my sister, I told her about how I feel lonely all the time, she said she is there for me and stuff. I almost told her about me cutting myself, but I couldn't. I couldn't face the disappointment. Also yesterday, I fainted. I have no idea why, because I have been binging. So that got everyone worried. Also my stomach has been a pain, I'm not sure if it's because of purging but I'm going I the doctors on Monday. I really do not want to go to the doctors, what of they say I don't eat enough and then my mother is on my back like a hawk. Or what if my blood pressure is low, or they see my scars and send me to a loony bin. So now I am so fucking anxious. Why!
Maybe I will get some pills for my anxiety.

In weight loss news, I think I am going to start the 2,4,6,8 diet. Maybe that will go better than ABC!

Bekah
Xxx

I'm sorry

Well last night was rough. I took a lot of pills, I was so depressed last night I felt alone like nobody cared. I've been eating lots as well and maybe I did it so I would have to wake up and look at my ugly self in the mirror. Don't worry, I vomited them up. So I am okay but I felt so weird once I'd taken them, I took 8 if you were wondering. I haven't told my family. I don't want them to know because they will probably send me to the loony bin because I am suicidal and I self harm. Seriously why did I have to be such a fuck-up.

Guys i'm fat as ever. I feel so gross, ew ew ew! I cant even look at my self anymore I cannot bare it!
Yesterday went fabulous, I was minus calories. Today however, I was not so strong. And the mother is off tomorrow so I am gunna have to eat. Shit. Hy do I do this, why am I do weak.
Talking of weak, I cut. I cut fat whore in to my leg. Well it's true I might as well me branded with it.

Anyways, I haven't seen my sister since my brothers birthday. I'm not sure of she has told anyone I hope not! I just have to watch out what I'm saying around her now.

I have been so anxious about school. Like wtf it's 3 weeks until we go back. All I do is sit around and say I'm gunna fail all my exams. I'm getting so frustrated because I cannot concentrate on anything. That's why I binged today, so I could concentrate on my work. It just made things a lot worse. All I could think about was the calories seeping into system, the fat bubbling on my body. I though about purging but I didn't, I sort of wished I had now. I feel so bloated. What I'm gunna have to do is just be strong tomorrow, test how strong I am. If I give myself a challenge I should rise to it and kick it in the ass. So challenge tomorrow; eat little breakfast, skip lunch and say no any fatty foods. So maybe a lot of challenges? Oh well I will beat then! Tomorrow I will be strong!
Bekah.
Xxxx

Weekend madness

I have had a really weird weekend. I went to my sisters in Friday, we were sunbathing in the garden and she asked to look at my phone to search for a recipe. Well I had forgotten that the previous night I was search for 'effects of anorexia' just out of interest. When she seen it she was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. I just said I was just anxious about everything. Then she started saying stuff about how my body is perfect and that I shouldn't worry. Then she was making dinner and she was joking around and she said 'what are you so upset over' I said nothing. Then being her jokey sells she said 'are you scared of cheese? Are you scared of bread?' I laughed but little did she know that i am scare, I am scared of calories. She also stared saying that she would miss me so much if I wasn't here and that I'm here best friend for life. I wanted to burst into tears. I know she is concerned. I think I'm gunna go tithe doctors about my anxiety, it is just getting worse.
So Saturday, mother was off and we met my sister about lunch. We were in town shopping around. I hate these sort of days because they always contain food and lots and lots of it. So I binged and I wanted to purge but I can't when there's lots of people about so I just gained weight instead. Oh yeah it was my brothers birthday party that night. I wore my playsuit. OMFG I looked like a beached whale. I felt like shit no matter how much my sister told me I look pretty. So I got wasted. I was so drunk by 9pm. The playsuit was also bad in other areas since it is so hard to pee in when drunk. So I had to take the whole thing off then I couldn't get it back on again, it was such a disaster! But then in my drunken state, I was shouting 'i don't give a shit if i gain weight' while eating Doritos and peanuts simultaneously. So this morning I am hungover and I feel like a whale after shoving two slices of French toast down my throat.
Today is my brothers actual birthday so here comes the cake, that I might be able to purge if I run the bath water.
Tomorrow will be good and I am gunna fast until 6pm, and hopefully shed these extra pounds. I havent weighed myself because I think I might take a hammer to the scales.

Goal to loose 5 pounds this week. Wish me luck! listen to the song skin and bones by marinas trench. Omg, it relates so much to my life!

Bekah
Xxx