FUCK! I have had one of the weekends of my life. I had been doing so well with my restricting and i had to go and balls it up! I have litarly been on the see-food diet! Every food i've seen i've wanted. This all started when i refused to have pudding when my sister came around for dinner. She acted all pissed off when i said i didn't want any. So, i went fuck it, i had some. It tasted so good and i was now in binging territory. I then had a chocolate bar and a giant bowl of peanuts.
Saturday, i stayed at home. Bad move, cravings have been unbearable. I have been trying to revise for my mock exams but all i could think out was food. So what did i eat? Ceral, banana, breakfast ceral bar, macaroni cheese, 2 chocolate bars, peanuts and crisps! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!
Sunday: toast with jam, melon, m and ms, minstrels, soup and bread. Argh i haven't even stepped on the scaled because i am scared. I am scared incase i smash the fucking thing to pieces!! I have just been in the shower and cried the whole time starring at my fat.
I hate being hungry. I hate cravings. I hate myself. I am a failure. If you wanted an example of a failure i would be perfect!
Isn't this just hillarious! I came down stairs this morning and my mum says to me, 'Rebekah, you've lost so much weight, you look so skinny' I wanted to scream in her face. How can i be skinny after all that shit i've just ate. I am not skinny i am ugly and fat.
For some reson i keep telling myself that it was okay to binge because i have exams and i'm stressed. That shouldn't be an excuse! One half of me is screaming 'what are you doing,you fat fucking pig' while i am shuffing chocolate into my mouth! The other half is screaming, 'i'm fucking hungry i can eat when i want' The awkwardness of this is that an Avenged Sevenfold song is playing right now, which has lyrics 'I'm not insane, i'm not insane!' I am fucking insane. What is wrong with me? I need help. NO. I don't need help i need to be skinny, then i will be happy!
I am going to start going to the gym on thursday nights. I am going to ask a couple of friends if they will come as well. This is going to be good because i will be more motivated! I am going to go running almost every night when i can. Tuesdays i will be at dancing, so that is exercise so that is okay. I might not go running on fridays so give myself a rest.
I watched the london marathon today, so that has really inspired me!
Does anybody else get great enjoyment our of watching things like; Obese: A year to save my life, Supersize vs Superskinny, I used to be fat. These make me feel so much better about myself and i think while watching these programs, if i eat that is what i'll end up like. Great motivation!!
Sorry for the long post, but i had a lot to get off my chest and i haven't posted in a while!!
I need to stay strong, this week i have a calorie restricment of 600 calories. Wish me luck!! xx
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