Guys i'm back at school! Not fun at all!
So i have missed shit loads and it started an anxiety attack, blah i wish i wouldn't worry so much!
So my friends have suddenly released a whole truck full of pity on me. "You seem really lonely, we think you are depressed and showing signs of being suicidal" THANATOS! I just thought, well if you knew what i did this summer.....
So basicly they invited me out tonight, i went. They also invited me out this weekend to go to a movie. I will go but i just feel like they are doing this because they feel sorry for me. Because they think i'm lonely. I don't want pity, it is the last thing i want. Just all of this makes me think, have they seen my scars? Hmm. Despite all my negative thoughts on them feeling sorry for me, it made me feel good. I do feel loved. And after coming home tonight i feel a lot happier! I even had motivation to tidy up my room! I had a good time, it's just pushing myself to get out that is the hard part. So i hope this weekend will be good and i will be able to start school on monday a fresh. Putting all my effort into socialising and my school work. Oh and loosing weight haha!
Remember 'amy' well she is a bitch and i hate her, okay? She has basicly replaced me. So that is another reason why these friends are feeling bad for me. Anther reason for my depression i guess...
Okay so i may sound like i have a lot a friends. I am not going to deny that. I don't sit alone at lunch, and i don't think that will ever be a problem. Why? Because i'm somewhat 'popular'. But i am not the 'popular' that sleeps around and is in the middle of the school gossip. I am the 'popular' that just talks to all the girls that sleep around and are in the middle of the school gossip. I am the girl which has many friends, but doesn't have any. Does that make sense? I don't have any close friends. I have friends that i will talk to at school, but i don't have friends that come to my house and i tell them everything about my life. So everything just gets kept inside. I can't open up to anybody. Even if i had the chance, i don't think i would because i don't think they would understand. What i am saying is, i would rather have 2 great friends which understood me and cared, rather than 20 'friends' who couldn't care less. I just want a friend that i can open up to, not have to lie around. My whole life is a lie, only me, myself and i know the truth and right now, that isn't going to be changing any time soon.
So FOOD, today was good 377 calories and my net -340. I feel good. I hope i have lost by tomorrow, praying for 112 again! Then i can just get lower and lower! This new workout is really good and i definitly feel a difference! Feel free to write it down and give it a go!
Bekah
xxx
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