First time since 19th of may

I purged for the first time in 4 weeks. My only excuse is that i needed to. I am stressed and i binged. So after crying i went in the shower and purged. I have to say it is not a nice feeling pushing down the larger bits of sick that would go down the plug hole. I then sat in the shower at cried a little more. After i came out othe shower i did a 20 minute intense workout, i still feel awfull. I can't do anymore exercise because i need to revise. I don't want to revise anymore. I am sick of having my head buried in books. This weekend had been my first let up off revising and now i can't get back into it.

I think i am going to re-start my skinny gril diet since i mucked up completly this week. It will go better this time.

Argh i got so frustrated at my mum today. She was asking about what i wanted for dinner and i said i didn't want bread, pasta, carbs at all really. My sister was with us in the kitchen and she must of gave my mother a funny look. M mum then said 'shes just going through a bit of a phase at the moment' What does that mean? Has she seriously not noticed i have been fussy about food for almost all my life. I know what it is, i have become stronger, i find it easier to say no to food now than ever, so this ends up as a 'phase'. What kind of a 'phase' is she meaning. I though a 'phase' was when you became lesbian for a month. Or you decided to be a goth for a year then turn back to normal. This is not a phase. I will never stop trying to loose weight, because that is the only thing i really want. Other people might aspire to new clothes, or getting into university. I want these things but most of all i want to be perfect. I want people to talk behind my back because i am so skinny. I want people to be jealous of my bones. I want to be the thinspiration i look at everyday.

My family are complete arseholes if i am being honest. When my whole family were around for dinner my dad started saying that i didn't like eating bread or things with flour in anymore. Then my brother started saying i was fussier than his girlfriend, and all she eats is chips and sausages, which i find to be disgusting. I hated eating dinner today with my family. My sister kept on looking aver my shoulder when i was eating, like she was judging the way i cut up my food into small pieces. She would also watch me drink my water in between bites to she how much i acctually drunk. She was judging me. Everyone was. It was horrible.

I find the only time i binge is when my parents or family are not in house. And i mean propa binge. Maybe thats because i don't want them to think i'm weak. Or they might tell me to stop, when i'm bingeing the last thing i want to do is stop until i feel sick. I don't want them to think i'm going to become obese. I don't want them to see me running to the toilet to throw up. Argh really i just don't want them to know anything at all. I just want to loose weight.

102lbs by the 22nd of july. Lets go for it.

Bekah
xxx