My awful day.

The binge continues. I may as well say ive been 'normal' the past three days. I really cannot deal with stress right now. My science exam went sooo bad. I did not know a thing. My history exam was on the topic i didn't revise so i didn't know any dates. It also rained today. I don't think it's stopped since i woke up. When i was in the exam i looked like i was having a seizure because i was so cold. All i could think of at that moment in time was, 'i'm burning calories, its fine'. My pen also ran out in my first exam not exam 15 minutes in to it.

Then when i got home i was so depressed i thought i would eat, it always seems like a good idea at the time right? I ate loads. Then i had to have dinner afterwards. I was ate until my body volentrealy wants to be sick. I tried purging, nothing came up because i choose to eat all the foods that are so hard to purge up. Why do i always want carbs when i binge? I even made cornansion pasta, i am still tasting it in my mouth it was rank! I really hate my self. I look pregnant again today because i am so bloated. Do i blame my binge on stress or just pur weakness. I have noticed every time i binge it is more often on a school day, its my friends being so skinny and eating whatever they like, some how i can think i can do that too. The weekend is so much easier than school because i am isolated and i don't have to eat. I really can't wait until i move out so i can just not buy anything but fruit and soup. I don't think i will ever buy carbs or sweets because i will just want to eat them.

 I seriously think i have binged so much that i don't even want to eat anymore, my body doesn't want it. I really want to fast tomorrow. How to i do this when i live in a house with parents. I don't want food tomorrow. I have to much of it in me thats why i can pull the fat off my neck and my stomache and thighs. I hate myself. I really think there should be like a constant reminder of how fat i am when i want to binge, like a mirror that follows me around. Or is that just vain? I want to burst into tears. I want to break things, i want to break this keybord and this computer and maybe something else. I really want to trash the whole house up in anger. I really want to smash my guitar up. That would be fun. Argh whats wrong with me. I don't even know why i am writing today, i am clearly not in a postive mood when i need to be. I am acctually glad i have some feeling today though, the last couple of days i have been so numb. I haven't hardly talked to anybody all week. But today i think everthing has pissed me off. I have constantly ranted all day. I am so sorry for ranting right now.

I really need some thinspo. I need to get back on the skinny train and have one hell of a ride to 110lbs. I want to be this by next friday since i totally mucked up this week.

Bekah
xxx