The two halfs of my mind.

I was force fed 2 caramel shortbreads at dancing today, but its not too dramatic because there are only 80 calls eat. With eating them my net is 246, not as good as I had hoped but I guess sometimes you have to do these things to prove you do eat. I feel like shit now though. I cut when I got back because of eating and then I did 30 more crunches. I am really freaking out because I don't want to gain when I have just got back to 115lbs! I just wish I had purged dinner today I thought about it but I stopped myself I was quite proud but it seems I have a new addiction... I have P.E on Thursday so guess who will be changing in the toilets!

I cannot sleep at all, I have tried but my mind won't let me. I just keep thinking. Mostly about food, but not eating it. I think about how I am going to avoid it the next day, where I will throw my lunch out, what I will have for breakfast, think of a low calorie dinner. Then j will think of the exercise I will do that day and what I want my net to be. Then I move on to how fat I feel, how skinny I need to be. Then how I'm a failure that I will never be skinny because I am pathetic then I contradict myself saying I will do it I will get skinny. Then my stomach and my mind have an argument. My hungry pains are really bad at the moment. It's like my mind is split in half. One half is screaming 'just eat its normal to be hungry' then the other is like 'dont eat you'll gain weight' I go with the second half all of the time, I really hate having these arguments with myself because all I want to do j sleep and get skinny! If I got three wishes they would defo be in it.

I guess I'll try and sleep now, I doubt it though because I did eat caramel shortbread, what the hell was I thinking! If I gain weight in the morning j think j might break down.

Bekah
Xxx