I did manage to sleep a little last night, yay! But i did wake up in the middle of the night with cramp in my leg it was so sore i thought i was going to cry. I think thats my bodys way of saying, 'be nice to me' But you know what, why should i when its such a fat mess.
I actually like my mother a little today she said i looked lovely. I was wearing this pink lacy top with jeans and i felt quite good! But then i ate and had to workout immeaditly. I am working out instead of purging at the moment. That is probably just because im cutting again. I don't know why but i feel the need that i have to hurt myself to feel alive. When i purge i like having the sore throat looking at my scared fingers but i have decided to try and stop that. So i turn to cutting now my upper thigh is destroyed again. I really need to stop. It is summer, i am going to have to wear shorts at one point. But it is so addictive. I am such a freak i love my scars really, it shows me all the pain i am going through, it makes it real.
I started the ABC diet 4 days ago and i was just wondering is the limit net calories, or calories consumed? Just hope its net calories because that is what i have been going with.
I ate 290 calories today and my net is 4. Surly that means i might be a pound lighter in the morning? I hope so! 114 here i come. Then i will only be 2 away from orgional weight before massive binge week!
Going to the gym tomorrow, it will be my last time until 2 weeks time. I am doing my work exerpience for 2 weeks and i finish at 4:30 and i am only allowed to go between 4 and 5 because of my age. Maybe i can understand that because if i was allowed to go whenever and for as long as i wanted i would be in there all day!
I swear my mini thigh gap is getting bigger! I will post progress pics when i reach 112 again! Stay strong
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Bekah
xxx
well done for stopping purging, honestly exercise is way better at least you have a gorgeous body to show for it. My arms are such a mess I have to wear long sleeved tops all the time.. but at the time of cutting i guess i found it addictive like you did. i would feel so frustrated at myself that I would cut, a voice in my head told me i was worthless, ugly, fat, disgusting, nothing. so I cut cut cut, angry at myself, hating myself, feeling like i deserved the pain.
ReplyDeletei know you can reach 114.. <3
I am so glad someone understands! I really feel like I do deserve it, especially when I have binged! Thank you for your comments, they really cheer me up <3 xx
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